The prize for the funniest joke at this year's Edinburgh Festival Fringe has been won by the quickfire comedian Tim Vine: "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what ... Never again." Other shortlisted jokes included "I picked up a hitchhiker. You've got to when you hit them" (Emo Phillips); "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone" (David Gibson); and "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat, ginger kid" (Jack Whitehall).
Anthropologists in New Zealand have discovered that men take only a split second to decide if a woman is attractive, and that one crucial factor in the decision is a hip-to-waist ratio of 0.7, where the circumference of the waist is 70 per cent that of the hips. Researchers reached the conclusion after the eye movements of a group of male volunteers were tracked while they were shown a series of digitally altered photographs and were asked to rate the images for attractiveness. There was, said Dr Barnaby Dixson, of Victoria University of Wellington, nothing romantic about the formula: "It is all about the distribution of fat which is directly linked to fertility."
A Polish immigrant living in Germany finally went to the hospital to see about the annoying bump he had had on the back of his head for several years. But instead of the cyst they expected to find, doctors discovered a .22 calibre bullet. The man told police he thought someone had hit him during New Year's Eve celebrations in 2004 or 2005, but thought no more about it. In fact, he had been shot in the back of the head.
The Japanese Sumo Association has distributed 60 Apple iPads to its training stables to help to improve communication with its wrestlers in the wake of a number of scandals that have hit the sport. With fingers like fat sausages, the wrestlers apparently struggle to operate the small keys on mobile telephones.
Middle-aged men in the UK have long been mocked for their tendency to wear socks with sandals, but an archaeological dig in North Yorkshire seems to have found evidence that they are merely upholding an ancient Roman tradition. The dig has unearthed 2,000-year-old sandals with rusty nails bearing the impression of material fibres. "You don't imagine Romans in socks," said Blaise Vyner, an archaeologist heading the site team, "but I am sure they would have been pretty keen to get hold of some as soon as autumn came along."
The President Raul Castro is to end free cigarettes for Cuba's elderly as part of plans to reduce the country's budget deficit. For years, every Cuban over 55 has been entitled to four packs a month for about 25 per cent of the normal price, but the perk will be ended next month. "I'm insulted because it's another thing they are taking away from us," Angela Jimenez, 64, told the BBC. She receives a monthly pension of about US$10 and says she will have to give up smoking because she will not be able to afford the unsubsidised price of about $0.33 a pack. Cigarettes follow peas and potatoes, on which subsidies were withdrawn in November.
@Email:jgornall@thenational.ae
EPL's youngest
- Ethan Nwaneri (Arsenal)
15 years, 181 days old
- Max Dowman (Arsenal)
15 years, 235 days old
- Jeremy Monga (Leicester)
15 years, 271 days old
- Harvey Elliott (Fulham)
16 years, 30 days old
- Matthew Briggs (Fulham)
16 years, 68 days old
Specs
%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EEngine%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%201.5-litre%20turbo%204-cylinder%20%2F%202.0%20turbo%204-cylinder%20(S3)%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EPower%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20148bhp%20%2F%20328bhp%20(S3)%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3ETorque%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20250Nm%20%2F%20420Nm%20(S3)%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EOn%20sale%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20December%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EPrice%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20TBA%0D%3C%2Fp%3E%0A
UPI facts
More than 2.2 million Indian tourists arrived in UAE in 2023
More than 3.5 million Indians reside in UAE
Indian tourists can make purchases in UAE using rupee accounts in India through QR-code-based UPI real-time payment systems
Indian residents in UAE can use their non-resident NRO and NRE accounts held in Indian banks linked to a UAE mobile number for UPI transactions
Killing of Qassem Suleimani
MATCH INFO
Europa League final
Who: Marseille v Atletico Madrid
Where: Parc OL, Lyon, France
When: Wednesday, 10.45pm kick off (UAE)
TV: BeIN Sports
Why are asylum seekers being housed in hotels?
The number of asylum applications in the UK has reached a new record high, driven by those illegally entering the country in small boats crossing the English Channel.
A total of 111,084 people applied for asylum in the UK in the year to June 2025, the highest number for any 12-month period since current records began in 2001.
Asylum seekers and their families can be housed in temporary accommodation while their claim is assessed.
The Home Office provides the accommodation, meaning asylum seekers cannot choose where they live.
When there is not enough housing, the Home Office can move people to hotels or large sites like former military bases.
Company%20Profile
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Jetour T1 specs
Engine: 2-litre turbocharged
Power: 254hp
Torque: 390Nm
Price: From Dh126,000
Available: Now
War 2
Director: Ayan Mukerji
Stars: Hrithik Roshan, NTR, Kiara Advani, Ashutosh Rana
Rating: 2/5
The Ashes
Results
First Test, Brisbane: Australia won by 10 wickets
Second Test, Adelaide: Australia won by 120 runs
Third Test, Perth: Australia won by an innings and 41 runs
Fourth Test: Melbourne: Drawn
Fifth Test: Australia won by an innings and 123 runs
The specs
Engine: 3.0-litre six-cylinder turbo
Power: 398hp from 5,250rpm
Torque: 580Nm at 1,900-4,800rpm
Transmission: Eight-speed auto
Fuel economy, combined: 6.5L/100km
On sale: December
Price: From Dh330,000 (estimate)
The language of diplomacy in 1853
Treaty of Peace in Perpetuity Agreed Upon by the Chiefs of the Arabian Coast on Behalf of Themselves, Their Heirs and Successors Under the Mediation of the Resident of the Persian Gulf, 1853
(This treaty gave the region the name “Trucial States”.)
We, whose seals are hereunto affixed, Sheikh Sultan bin Suggar, Chief of Rassool-Kheimah, Sheikh Saeed bin Tahnoon, Chief of Aboo Dhebbee, Sheikh Saeed bin Buyte, Chief of Debay, Sheikh Hamid bin Rashed, Chief of Ejman, Sheikh Abdoola bin Rashed, Chief of Umm-ool-Keiweyn, having experienced for a series of years the benefits and advantages resulting from a maritime truce contracted amongst ourselves under the mediation of the Resident in the Persian Gulf and renewed from time to time up to the present period, and being fully impressed, therefore, with a sense of evil consequence formerly arising, from the prosecution of our feuds at sea, whereby our subjects and dependants were prevented from carrying on the pearl fishery in security, and were exposed to interruption and molestation when passing on their lawful occasions, accordingly, we, as aforesaid have determined, for ourselves, our heirs and successors, to conclude together a lasting and inviolable peace from this time forth in perpetuity.
Taken from Britain and Saudi Arabia, 1925-1939: the Imperial Oasis, by Clive Leatherdale
Volvo ES90 Specs
Engine: Electric single motor (96kW), twin motor (106kW) and twin motor performance (106kW)
Power: 333hp, 449hp, 680hp
Torque: 480Nm, 670Nm, 870Nm
On sale: Later in 2025 or early 2026, depending on region
Price: Exact regional pricing TBA
The Settlers
Director: Louis Theroux
Starring: Daniella Weiss, Ari Abramowitz
Rating: 5/5
Our family matters legal consultant
Name: Hassan Mohsen Elhais
Position: legal consultant with Al Rowaad Advocates and Legal Consultants.
Key facilities
- Olympic-size swimming pool with a split bulkhead for multi-use configurations, including water polo and 50m/25m training lanes
- Premier League-standard football pitch
- 400m Olympic running track
- NBA-spec basketball court with auditorium
- 600-seat auditorium
- Spaces for historical and cultural exploration
- An elevated football field that doubles as a helipad
- Specialist robotics and science laboratories
- AR and VR-enabled learning centres
- Disruption Lab and Research Centre for developing entrepreneurial skills
