Referees, like teams, should be rewarded and demoted based on their performances
If I was a Stoke City fan - and every day I thank my lucky stars I am not - I would welcome the idea of manager Tony Pulis to relegate and promote referees.
Anyone who braves that coldest of cauldrons (it is always freezing at the Britannia Stadium, even in summer), watching season upon wretched season of dogged Premier League survival via the interminable trench warfare of Route One football, needs to take their entertainment where they can.
And what could be more entertaining than seeing a referee get relegated? The sheer giddy joy could surpass all those other sideshows which Potters fans use to keep their bodies warm and their minds off the football: singing, eating and forming welcome committees for opposing fans.
Pulis, whose team has been on the wrong end of several officiating errors this season, moots a system in which referees are rated on their performance after each match. Come May, the three at the bottom of the table are relegated, swapping places with the best performing trio from the lower tier.
Football is a creature of habit, so let's assume the Referee's League would soon adopt all the same rigmarole as the team ones.
Firstly, fans will pick a referee to follow. Traditionalists will insist on adopting the official who lives closest to their home town, while glory hunters will concoct fanciful justifications as to why they have always supported Howard Webb: "My great, great grandmother came from Yorkshire", "Baldness runs in my family, too", "He was the first ref my dad took me to see" etc.
On the first day of the season, an early kick-off would result in an unlikely referee - Mike Dean, say - briefly topping the table. "We are top of the league!" the Dean faithful could boast, for about two hours, until the more established names (Howard Webb) had a game and knocked him back into rightful obscurity.
Inevitably, pundits will start to speculate on which referees may get the chop. However, they will withhold judgement for a sensible period of time, to allow proper assessment and avoid snap judgements. I'm guessing 45 minutes, maximum.
Before long, referees would start employing managers to represent them, Arsene Wenger-style, in post-match interviews: "So, what did you think about Mark Clattenburg failing to spot that blatant handball in the box?"
"I don't know. I did not see him not see it."
And, as the stakes get higher and money floods in from television and overseas investment, how long before referees get agents? Could we see Stuart Attwell publicly flirting with a move into umpiring Twenty20 Cricket, before calling a hasty press conference to re iterate his commitment to football, with an improved contract in his pocket and Paul Stretford lurking in the shadows?
Finally, on the last day of the season, the football channels will have split-screen footage of all referees with a chance of relegation or promotion, with rolling analysis by over-excited ex-referees.
"Remarkable! Lee Probert's decision to play advantage following a blatant foul puts him back in the drop zone and Chris Foy into safety!" (Cue images of Probert fans weeping at full time, while Foy dances around the pitch, kissing his whistle.)
Well, I'd watch it. Hell, I'd even join the fantasy league. Now, how are we going to arrange the play-off system for that third promotion spot?
Don’t give racism credibility
We all know that racism is alive and well in sport, despite the ongoing efforts to “kick it out”, whatever that means.
In parts of Russia, the Balkans and eastern Europe, black footballers are regularly subjected to moronic chanting. In Formula One, Spanish fans mocked Lewis Hamilton by painting their faces black. Even in liberal, multicultural Britain (gasp!), racism lurks: Ron Atkinson, the former Aston Villa manager, lost his television punditry job after describing the French footballer Marcel Desailly with a racial slur.
But have you noticed that whenever a fight breaks out between players of different ethnicities, it is often assumed the one with the darker skin was retaliating to a racist slur?
When Zinedine Zidane was famously dismissed for headbutting Marco Materazzi in the 2006 World Cup final, it was immediately rumoured that the Italian had called the French captain’s family “terrorists” in reference to their Algerian heritage. Subsequent reports seem to agree that Materazzi made a taunting remark about Zidane’s sister. Crude, but not race-based.
When Dion Dublin butted Robbie Savage during a fiery Aston Villa-Birmingham City derby, pundits took a good 10 seconds to conclude that Savage must have said something racist. Dublin insists he did not.
And this week, after Keven Mealamu, the New Zealand rugby union hooker of Samoan descent, was handed a four-week suspension for butting Lewis Moody, “sources” suggested the England captain had “insulted Mealamu’s family”. The r-word was not used but the implication was clear, and Moody issued a furious denial.
Is it not possible that non-white athletes might lash out for exactly the same reasons as white ones do: competitiveness, intimidation, a loss of control, or, occasionally, plain stupidity?
Unless a player is caught on microphone using racist language, or the allegedly insulted player is willing to make a full statement, these perfidious and damaging whisper campaigns should not be given a shred of credibility.
sports@thenational.ae
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SUNDERLAND 2002-03
No one has ended a Premier League season quite like Sunderland. They lost each of their final 15 games, taking no points after January. They ended up with 19 in total, sacking managers Peter Reid and Howard Wilkinson and losing 3-1 to Charlton when they scored three own goals in eight minutes.
SUNDERLAND 2005-06
Until Derby came along, Sunderland’s total of 15 points was the Premier League’s record low. They made it until May and their final home game before winning at the Stadium of Light while they lost a joint record 29 of their 38 league games.
HUDDERSFIELD 2018-19
Joined Derby as the only team to be relegated in March. No striker scored until January, while only two players got more assists than goalkeeper Jonas Lossl. The mid-season appointment Jan Siewert was to end his time as Huddersfield manager with a 5.3 per cent win rate.
ASTON VILLA 2015-16
Perhaps the most inexplicably bad season, considering they signed Idrissa Gueye and Adama Traore and still only got 17 points. Villa won their first league game, but none of the next 19. They ended an abominable campaign by taking one point from the last 39 available.
FULHAM 2018-19
Terrible in different ways. Fulham’s total of 26 points is not among the lowest ever but they contrived to get relegated after spending over £100 million (Dh457m) in the transfer market. Much of it went on defenders but they only kept two clean sheets in their first 33 games.
LA LIGA: Sporting Gijon, 13 points in 1997-98.
BUNDESLIGA: Tasmania Berlin, 10 points in 1965-66
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Saturday, November 9 – Netherlands v UAE
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David Mackenzie, founder of recruitment agency Mackenzie Jones Middle East
THE BIO
Favourite place to go to in the UAE: The desert sand dunes, just after some rain
Who inspires you: Anybody with new and smart ideas, challenging questions, an open mind and a positive attitude
Where would you like to retire: Most probably in my home country, Hungary, but with frequent returns to the UAE
Favorite book: A book by Transilvanian author, Albert Wass, entitled ‘Sword and Reap’ (Kard es Kasza) - not really known internationally
Favourite subjects in school: Mathematics and science
The biog
Hobbies: Salsa dancing “It's in my blood” and listening to music in different languages
Favourite place to travel to: “Thailand, as it's gorgeous, food is delicious, their massages are to die for!”
Favourite food: “I'm a vegetarian, so I can't get enough of salad.”
Favourite film: “I love watching documentaries, and am fascinated by nature, animals, human anatomy. I love watching to learn!”
Best spot in the UAE: “I fell in love with Fujairah and anywhere outside the big cities, where I can get some peace and get a break from the busy lifestyle”
About RuPay
A homegrown card payment scheme launched by the National Payments Corporation of India and backed by the Reserve Bank of India, the country’s central bank
RuPay process payments between banks and merchants for purchases made with credit or debit cards
It has grown rapidly in India and competes with global payment network firms like MasterCard and Visa.
In India, it can be used at ATMs, for online payments and variations of the card can be used to pay for bus, metro charges, road toll payments
The name blends two words rupee and payment
Some advantages of the network include lower processing fees and transaction costs
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The Bio
Favourite place in UAE: Al Rams pearling village
What one book should everyone read: Any book written before electricity was invented. When a writer willingly worked under candlelight, you know he/she had a real passion for their craft
Your favourite type of pearl: All of them. No pearl looks the same and each carries its own unique characteristics, like humans
Best time to swim in the sea: When there is enough light to see beneath the surface
Killing of Qassem Suleimani
