Many might object to today's subject: it takes issue with one of the greatest symbols of the past 200 years. Santa! That's right. The man, the myth, the legend.
Let's be honest: St Nicholas has been riding on his achievements for far too long. It's time to shake things up and bring a new approach to the old style. It's time to welcome modernity and kick out tradition. This moment is about speaking the truth and dispensing with the lies.
And the truth is that Santa needs a makeover.
We have all grown up with the red-suited fat man, but the truth is not so jolly. The hairy guy needs to accept it's time for a change.
Personally, I blame Mrs Claus. A man who has been married for any length of time will come to rely on - even if he hasn't realised it - the careful guidance of a strong, honest woman. It is especially those married men who need to be reminded that the "same old, same old" can always use some tweaking. In Santa's case, there has been no effort to mix things up; no work to refine his in-your-face style.
The suit is too red and makes no attempt to hide his girth. When George Herman "Babe" Ruth was traded from the Boston Red Sox (I repeat, RED Sox) to the New York Yankees after the 1919 season, the owner of the Yankees, Jacob Rupert, quickly saw the need to make Ruth look not so large. Pinstripes were added to the Yankees uniform (so the legend goes) for the slendering effect it would have on the Bambino. Of course, the Babe still lived life to the fullest and even had a soft spot for children, much like Santa, but at least those around the Babe made an effort to make him look better, something Mrs Claus has failed to do. (All right, a confession: the story about Ruth and the pinstripes is not true, but it has - much like Santa - a mythical quality about it that demanded it be included for illustrative purposes.)
Santa's facial hair is also a problem. His eyebrows, I think, might be longer than Japan's former prime minister Junichiro Koizumi, who seemed to take great pride in his eyebrows during his 2001 to 2006 reign. Santa needs to be told that some manscaping is allowed no matter your age. Even my father, who was born in 1938 and spent most of the 1970s turning up at his company's Christmas party wearing a Santa outfit (he really did look like the big man), has accepted - if not embraced - manscaping.
Santa's beard is also a problem. Beards should be maintained, cut, trimmed, combed, cleaned. Mrs Claus, however kind and sweet and in love with her husband she may be, needs to point out the obvious, even to her world-famous husband. None of us are too big that we cannot be told we need to improve ourselves constantly.
I guess you can't blame Santa too much, though. After all, when the people helping you are elves, he probably thinks he looks pretty good.
Michael Jabri-Pickett is the news editor at The National. Contact him at mjp@thenational.ae
Indoor Cricket World Cup
Venue Insportz, Dubai, September 16-23
UAE squad Saqib Nazir (captain), Aaqib Malik, Fahad Al Hashmi, Isuru Umesh, Nadir Hussain, Sachin Talwar, Nashwan Nasir, Prashath Kumara, Ramveer Rai, Sameer Nayyak, Umar Shah, Vikrant Shetty
Election pledges on migration
CDU: "Now is the time to control the German borders and enforce strict border rejections"
SPD: "Border closures and blanket rejections at internal borders contradict the spirit of a common area of freedom"
Skewed figures
In the village of Mevagissey in southwest England the housing stock has doubled in the last century while the number of residents is half the historic high. The village's Neighbourhood Development Plan states that 26% of homes are holiday retreats. Prices are high, averaging around £300,000, £50,000 more than the Cornish average of £250,000. The local average wage is £15,458.
'My Son'
Director: Christian Carion
Starring: James McAvoy, Claire Foy, Tom Cullen, Gary Lewis
Rating: 2/5
Profile
Name: Carzaty
Founders: Marwan Chaar and Hassan Jaffar
Launched: 2017
Employees: 22
Based: Dubai and Muscat
Sector: Automobile retail
Funding to date: $5.5 million
The specs
Engine: 4.0-litre flat-six
Torque: 450Nm at 6,100rpm
Transmission: 7-speed PDK auto or 6-speed manual
Fuel economy, combined: 13.8L/100km
On sale: Available to order now
How to wear a kandura
Dos
- Wear the right fabric for the right season and occasion
- Always ask for the dress code if you don’t know
- Wear a white kandura, white ghutra / shemagh (headwear) and black shoes for work
- Wear 100 per cent cotton under the kandura as most fabrics are polyester
Don’ts
- Wear hamdania for work, always wear a ghutra and agal
- Buy a kandura only based on how it feels; ask questions about the fabric and understand what you are buying
More from Neighbourhood Watch:
The specs
Engine: 2-litre 4-cylinder and 3.6-litre 6-cylinder
Power: 220 and 280 horsepower
Torque: 350 and 360Nm
Transmission: eight-speed automatic
Price: from Dh136,521 VAT and Dh166,464 VAT
On sale: now
Formula Middle East Calendar (Formula Regional and Formula 4)
Round 1: January 17-19, Yas Marina Circuit – Abu Dhabi
Round 2: January 22-23, Yas Marina Circuit – Abu Dhabi
Round 3: February 7-9, Dubai Autodrome – Dubai
Round 4: February 14-16, Yas Marina Circuit – Abu Dhabi
Round 5: February 25-27, Jeddah Corniche Circuit – Saudi Arabia
The Africa Institute 101
Housed on the same site as the original Africa Hall, which first hosted an Arab-African Symposium in 1976, the newly renovated building will be home to a think tank and postgraduate studies hub (it will offer master’s and PhD programmes). The centre will focus on both the historical and contemporary links between Africa and the Gulf, and will serve as a meeting place for conferences, symposia, lectures, film screenings, plays, musical performances and more. In fact, today it is hosting a symposium – 5-plus-1: Rethinking Abstraction that will look at the six decades of Frank Bowling’s career, as well as those of his contemporaries that invested social, cultural and personal meaning into abstraction.
Company%20Profile
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Our legal consultants
Name: Hassan Mohsen Elhais
Position: legal consultant with Al Rowaad Advocates and Legal Consultants.
The biog
Favourite hobby: I love to sing but I don’t get to sing as much nowadays sadly.
Favourite book: Anything by Sidney Sheldon.
Favourite movie: The Exorcist 2. It is a big thing in our family to sit around together and watch horror movies, I love watching them.
Favourite holiday destination: The favourite place I have been to is Florence, it is a beautiful city. My dream though has always been to visit Cyprus, I really want to go there.
Scoreline:
Manchester City 1
Jesus 4'
Brighton 0
NO OTHER LAND
Director: Basel Adra, Yuval Abraham, Rachel Szor, Hamdan Ballal
Stars: Basel Adra, Yuval Abraham
Rating: 3.5/5
The White Lotus: Season three
Creator: Mike White
Starring: Walton Goggins, Jason Isaacs, Natasha Rothwell
Rating: 4.5/5
MATCH INFO
Fixture: Thailand v UAE, Tuesday, 4pm (UAE)
TV: Abu Dhabi Sports
Two products to make at home
Toilet cleaner
1 cup baking soda
1 cup castile soap
10-20 drops of lemon essential oil (or another oil of your choice)
Method:
1. Mix the baking soda and castile soap until you get a nice consistency.
2. Add the essential oil to the mix.
Air Freshener
100ml water
5 drops of the essential oil of your choice (note: lavender is a nice one for this)
Method:
1. Add water and oil to spray bottle to store.
2. Shake well before use.
Our legal columnist
Name: Yousef Al Bahar
Advocate at Al Bahar & Associate Advocates and Legal Consultants, established in 1994
Education: Mr Al Bahar was born in 1979 and graduated in 2008 from the Judicial Institute. He took after his father, who was one of the first Emirati lawyers
