Ever since it emerged that England footballers were bugged before their match against Egypt, the world has been speculating over what the recordings reveal.
Well, speculate no more.
Last night I met a shadowy figure in an underground car park. I passed him twenty pounds in used coins. He passed me this transcript, and promised it was the real deal.
I'll let you decide if I was conned.
Fabio Capello: OK, so before we talk about Egypt, we talk about the World Cup. Everyone is happy, no?
(Long silence. Some nervous coughing. A clatter is heard as somebody, probably David James, drops his pen.)
Capello: You got something to say? What about you Steven? You no happy?
Steven Gerrard: Errr, not really boss. We're not happy with the coach, for a start.
Capello: The coach? You got a problem with me? Cos if you got a problem for me, maybe I got a problem for you...
Gerrard: No, not you boss. I mean the coach that takes us to games. Y'know, the team bus.
Capello: What is problem? You no like Fiat engineering? She start nine times in 10.
Gerrard: It just doesn't look like a footballer's vehicle. No alloy wheels, no flashy paint job. Why can't we just get a load of mint Range Rovers? Make us feel at home, wouldn't it Wayne?
Wayne Rooney: Yeah, or just one big stretch Range Rover? Dead classy like.
Capello: No, no. We not here to talk about vehicles. We here to talk tactics. Are you happy with our style of playin'?
(Another long silence. More coughing. Another clatter is heard as somebody, almost certainly David James again, drops his teacup.)
Capello: You got something to say, Frank?
Frank Lampard: Well, now you come to mention it, Mr Capello sir, we're not that happy with it. We've heard it'll be a 737.
Capello: What is 737? We play 4-4-2.
Lampard: We don't want to fly to South Africa on a Boeing 737 like common holidaymakers. We'd rather go separately. Each in our own Lear jet, ideally.
Capello: I no say plane! I ask what you think of our style of playin?! Like, maybe you prefer to play in the Diamond?
(More silence. More coughing. A loud crash is heard as Shaun Wright-Phillips falls off his chair, and has to be lifted back onto it by Peter Crouch.)
Capello: You no like the Diamond now? What about you Jermain?
Jermain Defoe: Oh, we all love diamonds, boss. We like them in rings, necklaces, everything. But we're not allowed to play in them in case they injure another player or, even worse, we lose them on the pitch.
Capello: Mama mia! Not diamonds, dummy. The Diamond formation. 4-1-2-1-2. I wanna talk football. Not cars, not planes, not fashion. Football!
(A hollow thud is heard as an object is hurled across the room.)
Capello: I'm sorry, David. I no mean to hit your head with that boot.
David Beckham: That's OK, boss. I'm used to it.
David James: I'm sorry too, Becks. I tried to catch it but it just slipped through my fingers.
Capello: Let's start again. I want to know if you happy with the way we play football. Are you comfortable making passes?
(Loud crying is heard, followed by footsteps and a door slamming.)
Capello: What is wrong with JT? Why he storm out?
Peter Crouch: He's still a bit sore about the thing with Wayne Bridge, Mr Capello. Probably best not to mention making passes for a while.
Remember when turning 40 was a depressing milestone in a person's life?
It was the official gateway between young and old, groovy and grey, on-the-up and over-the-hill.
Not any more. Today's 40-year-olds are positively encouraged to act like 20-year-olds.
They are not so much over-the-hill as skateboarding down it while wearing skinny jeans and listening to Lady GaGa on their iPod. Michael Schumacher knows this. He was 40 when he announced his F1 comeback, and he finished a respectable sixth in the opening Grand Prix in Bahrain on Sunday. What a way to laugh in the face of the ageing process, Schuey.
Although I was initially sceptical about his return, I have to confess to being glued to my television all weekend. His comeback epitomises a sport which does not rest on its laurels. The F1 authorities know what we want - drama, feuding, heroes and villains - and they try to make it happen.
Another man who turned 40 recently is the England rugby legend Martin Johnson. Sadly, I do not think he got the memo about age being just a number.
Johnson's tactics against Scotland on Saturday were the equivalent of wearing a pair of nylon trousers (with elasticated waist) and banging a walking stick on the ceiling, shouting: "Keep the noise down!"
England played dull, defensive, spirit-crushing rugby. Johnson must know what we want - more tries, more open-play, more running - but he delivers precisely the opposite.
Scotland were not much better, by the way. No wonder the crowd broke rugby etiquette by booing the penalty kickers. When the spectacle is that dull, you have to make your own entertainment.
Rugby needs to follow F1's example and start playing to the crowd. And Johnson needs to follow the example of Schumacher and realise that life really can begin at 40.
Will Batchelor is a writer, broadcaster and self-confessed cynical sports fan.
sports@thenational.ae
How to watch Ireland v Pakistan in UAE
When: The one-off Test starts on Friday, May 11
What time: Each day’s play is scheduled to start at 2pm UAE time.
TV: The match will be broadcast on OSN Sports Cricket HD. Subscribers to the channel can also stream the action live on OSN Play.
Election pledges on migration
CDU: "Now is the time to control the German borders and enforce strict border rejections"
SPD: "Border closures and blanket rejections at internal borders contradict the spirit of a common area of freedom"
Formula Middle East Calendar (Formula Regional and Formula 4)
Round 1: January 17-19, Yas Marina Circuit – Abu Dhabi
Round 2: January 22-23, Yas Marina Circuit – Abu Dhabi
Round 3: February 7-9, Dubai Autodrome – Dubai
Round 4: February 14-16, Yas Marina Circuit – Abu Dhabi
Round 5: February 25-27, Jeddah Corniche Circuit – Saudi Arabia
SPEC%20SHEET%3A%20APPLE%20M3%20MACBOOK%20AIR%20(13%22)
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Profile of MoneyFellows
Founder: Ahmed Wadi
Launched: 2016
Employees: 76
Financing stage: Series A ($4 million)
Investors: Partech, Sawari Ventures, 500 Startups, Dubai Angel Investors, Phoenician Fund
more from Janine di Giovanni
UAE currency: the story behind the money in your pockets
ALL THE RESULTS
Bantamweight
Siyovush Gulmomdov (TJK) bt Rey Nacionales (PHI) by decision.
Lightweight
Alexandru Chitoran (ROU) bt Hussein Fakhir Abed (SYR) by submission.
Catch 74kg
Omar Hussein (JOR) bt Tohir Zhuraev (TJK) by decision.
Strawweight (Female)
Seo Ye-dam (KOR) bt Weronika Zygmunt (POL) by decision.
Featherweight
Kaan Ofli (TUR) bt Walid Laidi (ALG) by TKO.
Lightweight
Abdulla Al Bousheiri (KUW) bt Leandro Martins (BRA) by TKO.
Welterweight
Ahmad Labban (LEB) bt Sofiane Benchohra (ALG) by TKO.
Bantamweight
Jaures Dea (CAM) v Nawras Abzakh (JOR) no contest.
Lightweight
Mohammed Yahya (UAE) bt Glen Ranillo (PHI) by TKO round 1.
Lightweight
Alan Omer (GER) bt Aidan Aguilera (AUS) by TKO round 1.
Welterweight
Mounir Lazzez (TUN) bt Sasha Palatkinov (HKG) by TKO round 1.
Featherweight title bout
Romando Dy (PHI) v Lee Do-gyeom (KOR) by KO round 1.
The Old Slave and the Mastiff
Patrick Chamoiseau
Translated from the French and Creole by Linda Coverdale
Company%20Profile
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Name: Peter Dicce
Title: Assistant dean of students and director of athletics
Favourite sport: soccer
Favourite team: Bayern Munich
Favourite player: Franz Beckenbauer
Favourite activity in Abu Dhabi: scuba diving in the Northern Emirates
What is a black hole?
1. Black holes are objects whose gravity is so strong not even light can escape their pull
2. They can be created when massive stars collapse under their own weight
3. Large black holes can also be formed when smaller ones collide and merge
4. The biggest black holes lurk at the centre of many galaxies, including our own
5. Astronomers believe that when the universe was very young, black holes affected how galaxies formed
The squad traveling to Brazil:
Faisal Al Ketbi, Ibrahim Al Hosani, Khalfan Humaid Balhol, Khalifa Saeed Al Suwaidi, Mubarak Basharhil, Obaid Salem Al Nuaimi, Saeed Juma Al Mazrouei, Saoud Abdulla Al Hammadi, Taleb Al Kirbi, Yahia Mansour Al Hammadi, Zayed Al Kaabi, Zayed Saif Al Mansoori, Saaid Haj Hamdou, Hamad Saeed Al Nuaimi. Coaches Roberto Lima and Alex Paz.
The specs
Engine: 3.0-litre six-cylinder turbo
Power: 398hp from 5,250rpm
Torque: 580Nm at 1,900-4,800rpm
Transmission: Eight-speed auto
Fuel economy, combined: 6.5L/100km
On sale: December
Price: From Dh330,000 (estimate)
A MINECRAFT MOVIE
Director: Jared Hess
Starring: Jack Black, Jennifer Coolidge, Jason Momoa
Rating: 3/5
Usain Bolt's time for the 100m at major championships
2008 Beijing Olympics 9.69 seconds
2009 Berlin World Championships 9.58
2011 Daegu World Championships Disqualified
2012 London Olympics 9.63
2013 Moscow World Championships 9.77
2015 Beijing World Championships 9.79
2016 Rio Olympics 9.81
2017 London World Championships 9.95
More coverage from the Future Forum
Abu Dhabi Equestrian Club race card
5pm: Abu Dhabi Fillies Classic (PA) Prestige; Dh110,000; 1,400m
5.30pm: Abu Dhabi Colts Classic (PA) Prestige; Dh110,000; 1,400m
6pm: Maiden (PA); Dh80,000; 1,600m
6.30pm: Abu Dhabi Championship (PA) Listed; Dh180,000; 1,600m
7pm: Wathba Stallions Cup (PA) Handicap; Dh70,000; 2,200m
7.30pm: Handicap (PA); Dh100,000; 2,400m
Mercer, the investment consulting arm of US services company Marsh & McLennan, expects its wealth division to at least double its assets under management (AUM) in the Middle East as wealth in the region continues to grow despite economic headwinds, a company official said.
Mercer Wealth, which globally has $160 billion in AUM, plans to boost its AUM in the region to $2-$3bn in the next 2-3 years from the present $1bn, said Yasir AbuShaban, a Dubai-based principal with Mercer Wealth.
“Within the next two to three years, we are looking at reaching $2 to $3 billion as a conservative estimate and we do see an opportunity to do so,” said Mr AbuShaban.
Mercer does not directly make investments, but allocates clients’ money they have discretion to, to professional asset managers. They also provide advice to clients.
“We have buying power. We can negotiate on their (client’s) behalf with asset managers to provide them lower fees than they otherwise would have to get on their own,” he added.
Mercer Wealth’s clients include sovereign wealth funds, family offices, and insurance companies among others.
From its office in Dubai, Mercer also looks after Africa, India and Turkey, where they also see opportunity for growth.
Wealth creation in Middle East and Africa (MEA) grew 8.5 per cent to $8.1 trillion last year from $7.5tn in 2015, higher than last year’s global average of 6 per cent and the second-highest growth in a region after Asia-Pacific which grew 9.9 per cent, according to consultancy Boston Consulting Group (BCG). In the region, where wealth grew just 1.9 per cent in 2015 compared with 2014, a pickup in oil prices has helped in wealth generation.
BCG is forecasting MEA wealth will rise to $12tn by 2021, growing at an annual average of 8 per cent.
Drivers of wealth generation in the region will be split evenly between new wealth creation and growth of performance of existing assets, according to BCG.
Another general trend in the region is clients’ looking for a comprehensive approach to investing, according to Mr AbuShaban.
“Institutional investors or some of the families are seeing a slowdown in the available capital they have to invest and in that sense they are looking at optimizing the way they manage their portfolios and making sure they are not investing haphazardly and different parts of their investment are working together,” said Mr AbuShaban.
Some clients also have a higher appetite for risk, given the low interest-rate environment that does not provide enough yield for some institutional investors. These clients are keen to invest in illiquid assets, such as private equity and infrastructure.
“What we have seen is a desire for higher returns in what has been a low-return environment specifically in various fixed income or bonds,” he said.
“In this environment, we have seen a de facto increase in the risk that clients are taking in things like illiquid investments, private equity investments, infrastructure and private debt, those kind of investments were higher illiquidity results in incrementally higher returns.”
The Abu Dhabi Investment Authority, one of the largest sovereign wealth funds, said in its 2016 report that has gradually increased its exposure in direct private equity and private credit transactions, mainly in Asian markets and especially in China and India. The authority’s private equity department focused on structured equities owing to “their defensive characteristics.”
NO OTHER LAND
Director: Basel Adra, Yuval Abraham, Rachel Szor, Hamdan Ballal
Stars: Basel Adra, Yuval Abraham
Rating: 3.5/5
Skewed figures
In the village of Mevagissey in southwest England the housing stock has doubled in the last century while the number of residents is half the historic high. The village's Neighbourhood Development Plan states that 26% of homes are holiday retreats. Prices are high, averaging around £300,000, £50,000 more than the Cornish average of £250,000. The local average wage is £15,458.
Our family matters legal consultant
Name: Hassan Mohsen Elhais
Position: legal consultant with Al Rowaad Advocates and Legal Consultants.
NEW%20UTILITY%20POLICY%3A%20WHAT%20DOES%20IT%20REGULATE%3F
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In numbers: PKK’s money network in Europe
Germany: PKK collectors typically bring in $18 million in cash a year – amount has trebled since 2010
Revolutionary tax: Investigators say about $2 million a year raised from ‘tax collection’ around Marseille
Extortion: Gunman convicted in 2023 of demanding $10,000 from Kurdish businessman in Stockholm
Drug trade: PKK income claimed by Turkish anti-drugs force in 2024 to be as high as $500 million a year
Denmark: PKK one of two terrorist groups along with Iranian separatists ASMLA to raise “two-digit million amounts”
Contributions: Hundreds of euros expected from typical Kurdish families and thousands from business owners
TV channel: Kurdish Roj TV accounts frozen and went bankrupt after Denmark fined it more than $1 million over PKK links in 2013
