If you have any friends who are involved in charitable causes – maybe they run marathons to raise money for cancer research, or participate in Comic Relief events for war refugees – eventually you’re going to have to buy something.
It’s worse, naturally, if kids are involved. In Los Angeles, children’s groups like sporting teams and the Scouts are always raising money, so it’s a given that at some point a wide-eyed moppet will appear in your office or at your door with a half-memorised pitch and a complicated book of receipts to manage.
As a man old enough to have lots of friends with lots of children, I have bought my share of magazines and holiday wreaths and what seems like a gross ton of cookies. I’m always cheerful about it, though at one point my young nephew expressed frustration with my standard posture in these sales events with kids, which is to adopt the attitude of a very cautious customer demanding to know what, exactly, I’m getting for my money: how many issues of the magazine do I get? How large is the wreath? What’s in those cookies? Is it vanilla or vanilla flavouring? I peppered him with enough questions – hey, if the kid wants money he’s going to have to earn it – that he finally blurted out: “Will you just buy it? Dad says you have to buy it!”
I was just trying to teach him a lesson. I know all about sales pitches, both from the receiving end and the delivering end. Every job, deep down, is a sales job, and I’ve spent a majority of my career sitting in network television offices trying to sell television shows.
I’ll perch myself on the expensive sofa, make meaningful eye-contact, with a list of key points I want to make in front of me as I make my way through the pitch.
My process is always the same: I tell a little story – a personal one, something that connects me to the show I’m trying to sell, and then I tell a little bit about the world of the show, and then I give a brief version of the pilot story, and then I wrap it up.
It’s a pretty successful system – well, not so successful that I no longer have to do it, of course, but my track record is awfully good. So far, I’ve had seven television series on the air. But whoever it is I’m pitching to – no matter who it is or what network they run -- will adopt the same attitude I do when I’m getting pitched by a little kid.
The network or studio executive will lean back and assume the posture of a very cautious customer and demand to know, exactly, what they’re getting – how many characters? Are they family or just friends? Where does it all take place? Is the tone broadly comic or more subtle? Is it topical or does it deal mostly with evergreen issues?
Unfortunately, I can’t blurt out: “Will you just buy it? My agent says you have to buy it!”
Although I’ve been tempted.
The point is, none of us in this business – and probably every other business, too – should be embarrassed to be in sales. We’re all making the rounds in our own way, with our own little salesman’s case of samples and products to demonstrate.
Well, actually, I lied. That isn’t the point. The real point is this: I wrote two books a few years ago. One was called Conversations with My Agent and the other was called Set Up Joke, Set Up Joke. They both told the story – mostly true – of my life in Hollywood. And while both of them were well-reviewed and popular, neither of them, shall we say, caused me any tax trouble.
For the past few years, in fact, they’ve both been out of print. At first I thought that would have a little understated elegance to it – a languid, aristocratic “I don’t want to try too hard” kind of vibe.
It didn’t. The only “vibe” it had was the vibe of failure.
This is Hollywood, so of course there’s a happy ending. As of last week, Bloomsbury have published both of my books together in a single volume. (It’s available on Amazon.)
Publishing them so close together, unfortunately, makes it all too easy to see that the second one is really the first one again with slightly different jokes, but then I’m in the entertainment industry, and the first rule around here is, when you make a sequel, don’t change anything.
So let me take a moment and go through my checklist. Did I open with a personal story? Yes, I did. Did I discuss the general world of publishing? Yep. Did I describe the key story element? You bet. All that’s left is for me to wrap it up, which I will this way:
Will you just buy it? My accountant says you have to.
Rob Long is a writer and producer based in Hollywood
On Twitter: @rcbl
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NO OTHER LAND
Director: Basel Adra, Yuval Abraham, Rachel Szor, Hamdan Ballal
Stars: Basel Adra, Yuval Abraham
Rating: 3.5/5
2025 Fifa Club World Cup groups
Group A: Palmeiras, Porto, Al Ahly, Inter Miami.
Group B: Paris Saint-Germain, Atletico Madrid, Botafogo, Seattle.
Group C: Bayern Munich, Auckland City, Boca Juniors, Benfica.
Group D: Flamengo, ES Tunis, Chelsea, Leon.
Group E: River Plate, Urawa, Monterrey, Inter Milan.
Group F: Fluminense, Borussia Dortmund, Ulsan, Mamelodi Sundowns.
Group G: Manchester City, Wydad, Al Ain, Juventus.
Group H: Real Madrid, Al Hilal, Pachuca, Salzburg.
ABU DHABI CARD
5pm: UAE Martyrs Cup (TB) Conditions; Dh90,000; 2,200m
5.30pm: Wathba Stallions Cup (PA) Handicap; Dh70,000; 1,400m
6pm: UAE Matyrs Trophy (PA) Maiden; Dh80,000; 1,600m
6.30pm: Sheikha Fatima bint Mubarak (IFAHR) Apprentice Championship (PA) Prestige; Dh100,000; 1,600m
7pm: Sheikha Fatima bint Mubarak (IFAHR) Ladies World Championship (PA) Prestige; Dh125,000; 1,600m
8pm: Sheikh Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyan Jewel Crown (PA) Group 1; Dh5,000,000; 1,600m
Results:
Men's 100m T34: 1. Walid Ktila (TUN) 15 sec; 2. Rheed McCracken (AUS) 15.40; 3. Mohammed Al Hammadi (UAE) 15.75. Men's 400m T34: 1. Walid Ktila (TUN) 50.56; 2. Mohammed Al Hammadi (UAE) 50.94; 3. Henry Manni (FIN) 52.24.
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FFP EXPLAINED
What is Financial Fair Play?
Introduced in 2011 by Uefa, European football’s governing body, it demands that clubs live within their means. Chiefly, spend within their income and not make substantial losses.
What the rules dictate?
The second phase of its implementation limits losses to €30 million (Dh136m) over three seasons. Extra expenditure is permitted for investment in sustainable areas (youth academies, stadium development, etc). Money provided by owners is not viewed as income. Revenue from “related parties” to those owners is assessed by Uefa's “financial control body” to be sure it is a fair value, or in line with market prices.
What are the penalties?
There are a number of punishments, including fines, a loss of prize money or having to reduce squad size for European competition – as happened to PSG in 2014. There is even the threat of a competition ban, which could in theory lead to PSG’s suspension from the Uefa Champions League.
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Formula Middle East Calendar (Formula Regional and Formula 4)
Round 1: January 17-19, Yas Marina Circuit – Abu Dhabi
Round 2: January 22-23, Yas Marina Circuit – Abu Dhabi
Round 3: February 7-9, Dubai Autodrome – Dubai
Round 4: February 14-16, Yas Marina Circuit – Abu Dhabi
Round 5: February 25-27, Jeddah Corniche Circuit – Saudi Arabia
Results
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Our family matters legal consultant
Name: Hassan Mohsen Elhais
Position: legal consultant with Al Rowaad Advocates and Legal Consultants.
The Way It Was: My Life with Frank Sinatra by Eliot Weisman and Jennifer Valoppi
Hachette Books
Mercer, the investment consulting arm of US services company Marsh & McLennan, expects its wealth division to at least double its assets under management (AUM) in the Middle East as wealth in the region continues to grow despite economic headwinds, a company official said.
Mercer Wealth, which globally has $160 billion in AUM, plans to boost its AUM in the region to $2-$3bn in the next 2-3 years from the present $1bn, said Yasir AbuShaban, a Dubai-based principal with Mercer Wealth.
“Within the next two to three years, we are looking at reaching $2 to $3 billion as a conservative estimate and we do see an opportunity to do so,” said Mr AbuShaban.
Mercer does not directly make investments, but allocates clients’ money they have discretion to, to professional asset managers. They also provide advice to clients.
“We have buying power. We can negotiate on their (client’s) behalf with asset managers to provide them lower fees than they otherwise would have to get on their own,” he added.
Mercer Wealth’s clients include sovereign wealth funds, family offices, and insurance companies among others.
From its office in Dubai, Mercer also looks after Africa, India and Turkey, where they also see opportunity for growth.
Wealth creation in Middle East and Africa (MEA) grew 8.5 per cent to $8.1 trillion last year from $7.5tn in 2015, higher than last year’s global average of 6 per cent and the second-highest growth in a region after Asia-Pacific which grew 9.9 per cent, according to consultancy Boston Consulting Group (BCG). In the region, where wealth grew just 1.9 per cent in 2015 compared with 2014, a pickup in oil prices has helped in wealth generation.
BCG is forecasting MEA wealth will rise to $12tn by 2021, growing at an annual average of 8 per cent.
Drivers of wealth generation in the region will be split evenly between new wealth creation and growth of performance of existing assets, according to BCG.
Another general trend in the region is clients’ looking for a comprehensive approach to investing, according to Mr AbuShaban.
“Institutional investors or some of the families are seeing a slowdown in the available capital they have to invest and in that sense they are looking at optimizing the way they manage their portfolios and making sure they are not investing haphazardly and different parts of their investment are working together,” said Mr AbuShaban.
Some clients also have a higher appetite for risk, given the low interest-rate environment that does not provide enough yield for some institutional investors. These clients are keen to invest in illiquid assets, such as private equity and infrastructure.
“What we have seen is a desire for higher returns in what has been a low-return environment specifically in various fixed income or bonds,” he said.
“In this environment, we have seen a de facto increase in the risk that clients are taking in things like illiquid investments, private equity investments, infrastructure and private debt, those kind of investments were higher illiquidity results in incrementally higher returns.”
The Abu Dhabi Investment Authority, one of the largest sovereign wealth funds, said in its 2016 report that has gradually increased its exposure in direct private equity and private credit transactions, mainly in Asian markets and especially in China and India. The authority’s private equity department focused on structured equities owing to “their defensive characteristics.”
Nepotism is the name of the game
Salman Khan’s father, Salim Khan, is one of Bollywood’s most legendary screenwriters. Through his partnership with co-writer Javed Akhtar, Salim is credited with having paved the path for the Indian film industry’s blockbuster format in the 1970s. Something his son now rules the roost of. More importantly, the Salim-Javed duo also created the persona of the “angry young man” for Bollywood megastar Amitabh Bachchan in the 1970s, reflecting the angst of the average Indian. In choosing to be the ordinary man’s “hero” as opposed to a thespian in new Bollywood, Salman Khan remains tightly linked to his father’s oeuvre. Thanks dad.
How green is the expo nursery?
Some 400,000 shrubs and 13,000 trees in the on-site nursery
An additional 450,000 shrubs and 4,000 trees to be delivered in the months leading up to the expo
Ghaf, date palm, acacia arabica, acacia tortilis, vitex or sage, techoma and the salvadora are just some heat tolerant native plants in the nursery
Approximately 340 species of shrubs and trees selected for diverse landscape
The nursery team works exclusively with organic fertilisers and pesticides
All shrubs and trees supplied by Dubai Municipality
Most sourced from farms, nurseries across the country
Plants and trees are re-potted when they arrive at nursery to give them room to grow
Some mature trees are in open areas or planted within the expo site
Green waste is recycled as compost
Treated sewage effluent supplied by Dubai Municipality is used to meet the majority of the nursery’s irrigation needs
Construction workforce peaked at 40,000 workers
About 65,000 people have signed up to volunteer
Main themes of expo is ‘Connecting Minds, Creating the Future’ and three subthemes of opportunity, mobility and sustainability.
Expo 2020 Dubai to open in October 2020 and run for six months