For a long part of my adult life, I had avoided crying. I had a turning point around two years ago, when I experienced immense grief and personal turmoil, with the pandemic being the cherry on top. This is when I began to confront my more intense emotions.
As a 24-year-old Emirati, I am aware of the social dynamics that have long dictated what gender norms had traditionally been welcome, and those that had been frowned upon. But the fact that men do not always have access to the right avenues for emotional expression is a global dilemma. Many times, it results in destructive tendencies, such as addictive behaviour and self-harm. But why do so many men feel so constricted emotionally?
Research shows that boys and girls cry with similar regularity as toddlers, and well into their mid-childhood. But as grown men, they cry less frequently, less intensely and for a shorter period of time than women. These findings have been replicated in 35 countries across four continents.
One researcher has found that, in their desire to conform to masculine gender expectations, some boys mask their emotions to such an extent that their own mothers aren’t able to identify what emotions their sons are truly experiencing. This is definitely food for thought, considering that this can start as early as the age of four.
Findings that support the idea that men are more susceptible to emotional repression are concerning. Research conducted on 18 Australian men who experienced suicidal thoughts, for example, found that these men have experienced a multitude of emotions in their lifetime. They reported having learnt during their childhoods that expressing emotions reduces their masculinity.
Research shows that boys and girls cry with similar regularity as toddlers
This phenomenon may be facilitated further by parents and peers contributing to the emotional constriction of boys to conform to social gender norms. These are well-known factors, and they bear out in anecdotal evidence I have collected for my own research.
One 27-year-old professional, Ahmed, recently expressed that while his mother was more understanding of his emotional expression than his father, he was still discouraged from these expressions for the sake of his father.
Khalifa, 20, and Sultan, 21, both undergraduate students, have expressed that while they are generally comfortable with being raw and vulnerable, for them it has been more of a learned trait. As children, they were discouraged from crying. The fact that children are only just developing attributes such as consciousness and self-awareness may reinforce the power of these learned traits.
Interestingly, friendship, research shows, can be a powerful antidote to this fear of vulnerability for men. Friendships act as a safe space wherein people reflect upon their inner worlds, through their inter-subjective, dialogical and intimate nature. In essence, friendships of a deep and intimate nature increase one’s awareness of their emotions, which in turn become more readily available for one to examine, analyse, critique and validate.
In a conversation with Fatma, 26, a strategy officer, she states: “We girls have each other to process our emotions, our programming and our trauma. I don’t think guys are encouraged to do the same with their emotions.”
Ahmed considers himself lucky to have a safe space among his school friends to freely express his emotions, as he doesn’t share that safety with his university and work peers, and acknowledges that many other men don’t share the same safety as he does.
These sentiments are unfortunately not shared by Hamad, 31, a business officer. He recounts crying at the funeral of his late uncle, and while mourners would offer condolences, they would whisper in his ear that he should toughen up and get it together. All of this while at the cemetery, with the sand used to bury his late uncle fresh in his hands. Hamad’s experience is not an isolated one; when your emotions are invalidated frequently, you begin to believe that they don’t matter. So, why bother?
Speaking from personal experience, I have been in social circles similar to those of Ahmed and Hamad. Today, I am blessed to find a safe environment in my friends, to express my feelings, be they positive or negative. But I acknowledge that reaching this level of comfort has not been easy, especially since for myself and my close peers, it is in our second nature to keep things to ourselves.
In the Emirati context, there is a lot of room for research to be conducted on a larger scale as to how much of this is a gendered phenomenon versus a cultural one. The cultural norm of "sitr", synonymous with privacy, for example, is often considered a factor in why men find it difficult to express their emotions. It is worth noting, however, that emotional expression does not have to contradict sitr. Whatever the root cause of the gap between men and women in emotional communication, it is time that we find ways to encourage more men to trust those around them, but also to trust themselves, and to reassure them that asking for and accepting help is a favour to oneself.
The goal isn’t to radically shift from what it means to be a man, but to inspire a shift in perspective against the gendering of emotions. Emotions are, after all, part of the human experience. It’s time we embrace them as they come.
I hope that the next time we see a baby boy cry, we validate his emotions and offer him a safe space for expression that will last him a lifetime. I hope as men, we are better to one another, for our own sake.
Groom and Two Brides
Director: Elie Semaan
Starring: Abdullah Boushehri, Laila Abdallah, Lulwa Almulla
Rating: 3/5
Terror attacks in Paris, November 13, 2015
- At 9.16pm, three suicide attackers killed one person outside the Atade de France during a foootball match between France and Germany
- At 9.25pm, three attackers opened fire on restaurants and cafes over 20 minutes, killing 39 people
- Shortly after 9.40pm, three other attackers launched a three-hour raid on the Bataclan, in which 1,500 people had gathered to watch a rock concert. In total, 90 people were killed
- Salah Abdeslam, the only survivor of the terrorists, did not directly participate in the attacks, thought to be due to a technical glitch in his suicide vest
- He fled to Belgium and was involved in attacks on Brussels in March 2016. He is serving a life sentence in France
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Fitness problems in men's tennis
Andy Murray - hip
Novak Djokovic - elbow
Roger Federer - back
Stan Wawrinka - knee
Kei Nishikori - wrist
Marin Cilic - adductor
The specs: 2018 Volkswagen Teramont
Price, base / as tested Dh137,000 / Dh189,950
Engine 3.6-litre V6
Gearbox Eight-speed automatic
Power 280hp @ 6,200rpm
Torque 360Nm @ 2,750rpm
Fuel economy, combined 11.7L / 100km
BORDERLANDS
Starring: Cate Blanchett, Kevin Hart, Jamie Lee Curtis
Director: Eli Roth
Rating: 0/5
Thor: Ragnarok
Dir: Taika Waititi
Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Tom Hiddleston, Cate Blanchett, Jeff Goldblum, Mark Ruffalo, Tessa Thompson
Four stars
EA Sports FC 26
Publisher: EA Sports
Consoles: PC, PlayStation 4/5, Xbox Series X/S
Rating: 3/5
UAE currency: the story behind the money in your pockets
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Specs
Engine: Dual-motor all-wheel-drive electric
Range: Up to 610km
Power: 905hp
Torque: 985Nm
Price: From Dh439,000
Available: Now
Leading all-time NBA scorers
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar 38,387
Karl Malone 36,928
Kobe Bryant 33,643
Michael Jordan 32,292
LeBron James 31,425
Wilt Chamberlain 31,419
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Specs
Engine: Electric motor generating 54.2kWh (Cooper SE and Aceman SE), 64.6kW (Countryman All4 SE)
Power: 218hp (Cooper and Aceman), 313hp (Countryman)
Torque: 330Nm (Cooper and Aceman), 494Nm (Countryman)
On sale: Now
Price: From Dh158,000 (Cooper), Dh168,000 (Aceman), Dh190,000 (Countryman)
More from Rashmee Roshan Lall
Global Fungi Facts
• Scientists estimate there could be as many as 3 million fungal species globally
• Only about 160,000 have been officially described leaving around 90% undiscovered
• Fungi account for roughly 90% of Earth's unknown biodiversity
• Forest fungi help tackle climate change, absorbing up to 36% of global fossil fuel emissions annually and storing around 5 billion tonnes of carbon in the planet's topsoil
Islamophobia definition
A widely accepted definition was made by the All Party Parliamentary Group on British Muslims in 2019: “Islamophobia is rooted in racism and is a type of racism that targets expressions of Muslimness or perceived Muslimness.” It further defines it as “inciting hatred or violence against Muslims”.
if you go
The flights
Fly to Rome with Etihad (www.etihad.ae) or Emirates (www.emirates.com) from Dh2,480 return including taxes. The flight takes six hours. Fly from Rome to Trapani with Ryanair (www.ryanair.com) from Dh420 return including taxes. The flight takes one hour 10 minutes.
The hotels
The author recommends the following hotels for this itinerary. In Trapani, Ai Lumi (www.ailumi.it); in Marsala, Viacolvento (www.viacolventomarsala.it); and in Marsala Del Vallo, the Meliaresort Dimore Storiche (www.meliaresort.it).
The more serious side of specialty coffee
While the taste of beans and freshness of roast is paramount to the specialty coffee scene, so is sustainability and workers’ rights.
The bulk of genuine specialty coffee companies aim to improve on these elements in every stage of production via direct relationships with farmers. For instance, Mokha 1450 on Al Wasl Road strives to work predominantly with women-owned and -operated coffee organisations, including female farmers in the Sabree mountains of Yemen.
Because, as the boutique’s owner, Garfield Kerr, points out: “women represent over 90 per cent of the coffee value chain, but are woefully underrepresented in less than 10 per cent of ownership and management throughout the global coffee industry.”
One of the UAE’s largest suppliers of green (meaning not-yet-roasted) beans, Raw Coffee, is a founding member of the Partnership of Gender Equity, which aims to empower female coffee farmers and harvesters.
Also, globally, many companies have found the perfect way to recycle old coffee grounds: they create the perfect fertile soil in which to grow mushrooms.
UAE currency: the story behind the money in your pockets
The National's picks
4.35pm: Tilal Al Khalediah
5.10pm: Continous
5.45pm: Raging Torrent
6.20pm: West Acre
7pm: Flood Zone
7.40pm: Straight No Chaser
8.15pm: Romantic Warrior
8.50pm: Calandogan
9.30pm: Forever Young
Start-up hopes to end Japan's love affair with cash
Across most of Asia, people pay for taxi rides, restaurant meals and merchandise with smartphone-readable barcodes — except in Japan, where cash still rules. Now, as the country’s biggest web companies race to dominate the payments market, one Tokyo-based startup says it has a fighting chance to win with its QR app.
Origami had a head start when it introduced a QR-code payment service in late 2015 and has since signed up fast-food chain KFC, Tokyo’s largest cab company Nihon Kotsu and convenience store operator Lawson. The company raised $66 million in September to expand nationwide and plans to more than double its staff of about 100 employees, says founder Yoshiki Yasui.
Origami is betting that stores, which until now relied on direct mail and email newsletters, will pay for the ability to reach customers on their smartphones. For example, a hair salon using Origami’s payment app would be able to send a message to past customers with a coupon for their next haircut.
Quick Response codes, the dotted squares that can be read by smartphone cameras, were invented in the 1990s by a unit of Toyota Motor to track automotive parts. But when the Japanese pioneered digital payments almost two decades ago with contactless cards for train fares, they chose the so-called near-field communications technology. The high cost of rolling out NFC payments, convenient ATMs and a culture where lost wallets are often returned have all been cited as reasons why cash remains king in the archipelago. In China, however, QR codes dominate.
Cashless payments, which includes credit cards, accounted for just 20 per cent of total consumer spending in Japan during 2016, compared with 60 per cent in China and 89 per cent in South Korea, according to a report by the Bank of Japan.
KILLING OF QASSEM SULEIMANI
