I am lucky enough to live a short drive from my parents and maternal grandmother. My two brothers are miles away, so I'm the one who steps in to help my family when needed. I am happy to do this but I've learnt over time that continually saying yes to their requests can take its toll on my stress levels.
People find it difficult to say no for all sorts of reasons. For me, it is probably because I am my parents' only daughter, so I have taken on the traditional role of "helper" over time. I can also see how vulnerable they are becoming in their older age and I feel naturally protective of them.
When I began to feel anger towards them, however, I started to wonder why that was. I would feel claustrophobic when my mother would just "pop" around, and stressed out when my grandmother called in the middle of the day. Because I work from home, it was too easy for them to ask things of me. When I said I couldn't help, I felt guilty, so I kept saying yes but then got angry.
Michelle Zelli, a neuro-linguistic programming practitioner, told me this was because my sense of personal boundaries within the family was not strong. "With weak boundaries we allow ourselves to be pushed to or even beyond our limits and then respond in a harsh or aggressive manner," she says.
A well-formed boundary, Zelli says, is one that enables us to say no in a kind and gentle way, maintaining balance. I had been avoiding the phone, not looking family members in the eye or arranging to be out when I knew Mum might come by - ways of coping that were hurtful to my family and only made the situation worse.
I was reassured to discover simple, practical ways to learn how to say no. Phillip Hodson, a fellow of the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy, offered me some brilliant tips for learning how to do it with confidence.
First, I was to practise saying no with authority when it didn't matter too much, so I was prepared for when it did. When someone asked me to sign up to something in the street, for example, Hodson advised me to "be ready with a deep breath, a good, strong look in the eye, a quick smile and a loud 'Thanks, but no' before moving off happily". It was a good start, as I used to cross the street rather than deal with such situations.
Next, I was to seize control of a conversation by using active listening techniques - in other words, asking a question to stall for time. For example, you could say: "So what you are telling me to do is lend you Dh50 because I've just been paid. Is that correct?" This gives you time to PLAN-IT - Hodson's acronym for pause, listen, analyse, note illogic and target your answer. "You're then in a position to say a strong and direct: 'No, I won't'," Hodson says.
When I became better at saying no in inconsequential situations, I found the confidence to do so with kindness to my family. I also used the increased self-awareness to work out a better sense of my boundaries - of what I could and could not cope with when it came to my family's demands.
It is probably most difficult to say no in a family situation because of all the emotions involved. For one of Zelli's clients, telling a snoring husband that she couldn't sleep in the same room as him presented a similar challenge.
"By strengthening her boundaries, my client learnt to firmly and lovingly explain how important it was that she got good sleep each night and that, although she loved him being next to her, she was much happier and relaxed when she got her eight hours," Zelli says. As a result, the client's husband booked a simple medical procedure in a bid to reduce his snoring.
As for me, I now feel more assured that when I can't do something to help my family, it isn't a reason to feel guilty. I can communicate "no" with confidence, and as a result, I am no longer the only person on whom my family calls - unless it's really important.
Caroline Sylger Jones is the author of Body & Soul Escapes and Body & Soul Escapes: Britain & Ireland, resource books about how and where to retreat and replenish. Visit www.carolinesylgerjones.co.uk.
UAE currency: the story behind the money in your pockets
'Cheb%20Khaled'
%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EArtist%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3EKhaled%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3ELabel%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3EBelieve%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3ERating%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%204%2F5%3C%2Fp%3E%0A
Gulf Under 19s final
Dubai College A 50-12 Dubai College B
Uefa Champions League play-off
First leg: Wednesday, 11pm (UAE)
Ajax v Dynamo Kiev
Second leg: Tuesday, August 28, 11pm (UAE)
Dynamo Kiev v Ajax
Benefits of first-time home buyers' scheme
- Priority access to new homes from participating developers
- Discounts on sales price of off-plan units
- Flexible payment plans from developers
- Mortgages with better interest rates, faster approval times and reduced fees
- DLD registration fee can be paid through banks or credit cards at zero interest rates
Moon Music
Artist: Coldplay
Label: Parlophone/Atlantic
Number of tracks: 10
Rating: 3/5
Company%20profile
%3Cp%3EName%3A%20Tabby%3Cbr%3EFounded%3A%20August%202019%3B%20platform%20went%20live%20in%20February%202020%3Cbr%3EFounder%2FCEO%3A%20Hosam%20Arab%2C%20co-founder%3A%20Daniil%20Barkalov%3Cbr%3EBased%3A%20Dubai%2C%20UAE%3Cbr%3ESector%3A%20Payments%3Cbr%3ESize%3A%2040-50%20employees%3Cbr%3EStage%3A%20Series%20A%3Cbr%3EInvestors%3A%20Arbor%20Ventures%2C%20Mubadala%20Capital%2C%20Wamda%20Capital%2C%20STV%2C%20Raed%20Ventures%2C%20Global%20Founders%20Capital%2C%20JIMCO%2C%20Global%20Ventures%2C%20Venture%20Souq%2C%20Outliers%20VC%2C%20MSA%20Capital%2C%20HOF%20and%20AB%20Accelerator.%3Cbr%3E%3C%2Fp%3E%0A
Uefa Nations League: How it works
The Uefa Nations League, introduced last year, has reached its final stage, to be played over five days in northern Portugal. The format of its closing tournament is compact, spread over two semi-finals, with the first, Portugal versus Switzerland in Porto on Wednesday evening, and the second, England against the Netherlands, in Guimaraes, on Thursday.
The winners of each semi will then meet at Porto’s Dragao stadium on Sunday, with the losing semi-finalists contesting a third-place play-off in Guimaraes earlier that day.
Qualifying for the final stage was via League A of the inaugural Nations League, in which the top 12 European countries according to Uefa's co-efficient seeding system were divided into four groups, the teams playing each other twice between September and November. Portugal, who finished above Italy and Poland, successfully bid to host the finals.
War 2
Director: Ayan Mukerji
Stars: Hrithik Roshan, NTR, Kiara Advani, Ashutosh Rana
Rating: 2/5
BULKWHIZ PROFILE
Date started: February 2017
Founders: Amira Rashad (CEO), Yusuf Saber (CTO), Mahmoud Sayedahmed (adviser), Reda Bouraoui (adviser)
Based: Dubai, UAE
Sector: E-commerce
Size: 50 employees
Funding: approximately $6m
Investors: Beco Capital, Enabling Future and Wain in the UAE; China's MSA Capital; 500 Startups; Faith Capital and Savour Ventures in Kuwait
One in nine do not have enough to eat
Created in 1961, the World Food Programme is pledged to fight hunger worldwide as well as providing emergency food assistance in a crisis.
One of the organisation’s goals is the Zero Hunger Pledge, adopted by the international community in 2015 as one of the 17 Sustainable Goals for Sustainable Development, to end world hunger by 2030.
The WFP, a branch of the United Nations, is funded by voluntary donations from governments, businesses and private donations.
Almost two thirds of its operations currently take place in conflict zones, where it is calculated that people are more than three times likely to suffer from malnutrition than in peaceful countries.
It is currently estimated that one in nine people globally do not have enough to eat.
On any one day, the WFP estimates that it has 5,000 lorries, 20 ships and 70 aircraft on the move.
Outside emergencies, the WFP provides school meals to up to 25 million children in 63 countries, while working with communities to improve nutrition. Where possible, it buys supplies from developing countries to cut down transport cost and boost local economies.
The White Lotus: Season three
Creator: Mike White
Starring: Walton Goggins, Jason Isaacs, Natasha Rothwell
Rating: 4.5/5
RedCrow Intelligence Company Profile
Started: 2016
Founders: Hussein Nasser Eddin, Laila Akel, Tayeb Akel
Based: Ramallah, Palestine
Sector: Technology, Security
# of staff: 13
Investment: $745,000
Investors: Palestine’s Ibtikar Fund, Abu Dhabi’s Gothams and angel investors
What is a calorie?
A food calorie, or kilocalorie, is a measure of nutritional energy generated from what is consumed.
One calorie, is the amount of heat needed to raise the temperature of 1 kilogram of water by 1°C.
A kilocalorie represents a 1,000 true calories of energy.
Energy density figures are often quoted as calories per serving, with one gram of fat in food containing nine calories, and a gram of protein or carbohydrate providing about four.
Alcohol contains about seven calories a gram.
Profile of Tarabut Gateway
Founder: Abdulla Almoayed
Based: UAE
Founded: 2017
Number of employees: 35
Sector: FinTech
Raised: $13 million
Backers: Berlin-based venture capital company Target Global, Kingsway, CE Ventures, Entrée Capital, Zamil Investment Group, Global Ventures, Almoayed Technologies and Mad’a Investment.
Sole survivors
- Cecelia Crocker was on board Northwest Airlines Flight 255 in 1987 when it crashed in Detroit, killing 154 people, including her parents and brother. The plane had hit a light pole on take off
- George Lamson Jr, from Minnesota, was on a Galaxy Airlines flight that crashed in Reno in 1985, killing 68 people. His entire seat was launched out of the plane
- Bahia Bakari, then 12, survived when a Yemenia Airways flight crashed near the Comoros in 2009, killing 152. She was found clinging to wreckage after floating in the ocean for 13 hours.
- Jim Polehinke was the co-pilot and sole survivor of a 2006 Comair flight that crashed in Lexington, Kentucky, killing 49.
THE BIO
Born: Mukalla, Yemen, 1979
Education: UAE University, Al Ain
Family: Married with two daughters: Asayel, 7, and Sara, 6
Favourite piece of music: Horse Dance by Naseer Shamma
Favourite book: Science and geology
Favourite place to travel to: Washington DC
Best advice you’ve ever been given: If you have a dream, you have to believe it, then you will see it.
GAC GS8 Specs
Engine: 2.0-litre 4cyl turbo
Power: 248hp at 5,200rpm
Torque: 400Nm at 1,750-4,000rpm
Transmission: 8-speed auto
Fuel consumption: 9.1L/100km
On sale: Now
Price: From Dh149,900
More on Quran memorisation:
The specs
Engine: Four electric motors, one at each wheel
Power: 579hp
Torque: 859Nm
Transmission: Single-speed automatic
Price: From Dh825,900
On sale: Now
Temple numbers
Expected completion: 2022
Height: 24 meters
Ground floor banquet hall: 370 square metres to accommodate about 750 people
Ground floor multipurpose hall: 92 square metres for up to 200 people
First floor main Prayer Hall: 465 square metres to hold 1,500 people at a time
First floor terrace areas: 2,30 square metres
Temple will be spread over 6,900 square metres
Structure includes two basements, ground and first floor
Know before you go
- Jebel Akhdar is a two-hour drive from Muscat airport or a six-hour drive from Dubai. It’s impossible to visit by car unless you have a 4x4. Phone ahead to the hotel to arrange a transfer.
- If you’re driving, make sure your insurance covers Oman.
- By air: Budget airlines Air Arabia, Flydubai and SalamAir offer direct routes to Muscat from the UAE.
- Tourists from the Emirates (UAE nationals not included) must apply for an Omani visa online before arrival at evisa.rop.gov.om. The process typically takes several days.
- Flash floods are probable due to the terrain and a lack of drainage. Always check the weather before venturing into any canyons or other remote areas and identify a plan of escape that includes high ground, shelter and parking where your car won’t be overtaken by sudden downpours.
Director: Laxman Utekar
Cast: Vicky Kaushal, Akshaye Khanna, Diana Penty, Vineet Kumar Singh, Rashmika Mandanna
Rating: 1/5
Killing of Qassem Suleimani
UAE currency: the story behind the money in your pockets
The burning issue
The internal combustion engine is facing a watershed moment – major manufacturer Volvo is to stop producing petroleum-powered vehicles by 2021 and countries in Europe, including the UK, have vowed to ban their sale before 2040. The National takes a look at the story of one of the most successful technologies of the last 100 years and how it has impacted life in the UAE.
Read part four: an affection for classic cars lives on
Read part three: the age of the electric vehicle begins
Read part one: how cars came to the UAE
More from Rashmee Roshan Lall
