On August 4, 2020, I thought I was going to die. I’ve had some near misses in my life – high-speed car crashes, terrorist attacks – but I never thought I would actually die. There was something about the sound of the blast that day and how it knocked my mother and I off our chairs on a balcony in the hills overlooking the Beirut port. The way it cracked through the air, it felt final. It felt like something you don’t survive.
In the hours after the blast, we couldn't locate my father. He had been in the offices of An-Nahar by the port that day. I sent frantic voice notes to my wife in London. I avoided messaging my sister in Paris, to not bring her into what was becoming a nightmare. Part of me was sure I’d never see any of them again. In the frantic hours after the blast, as we tried to understand what was happening, all everyone could think of was that another blast would come to annihilate the rest of us.
The day before had been a happy one. My business partners and I had just moved into the gleaming new offices of our production company. It was an upgrade from working on our dinner tables and out the back of cafes. Now we had glass partitions and iMacs. A fresh start. We’d arrived.
At about 5pm, we were told the generators would be shutting off. There would be no air conditioning for the rest of the day. Reluctantly, we packed up and left early. An hour later, the office was gone. I never went back to collect the debris.
During one of my sleepless nights after the blast, I measured how far that office was from the site of the explosion. It was 900 metres away. The blast damaged buildings 10km away.
I bumped into our landlord for the office at a wedding in Lebanon recently. He told me how the glass exploded into shards and stabbed every wall. How a security guard on duty in the building had been in a coma for weeks after the blast. If we’d stayed, we’d all have been killed or maimed. I still don’t understand how we weren’t.
For weeks afterward, I was wrecked. I cried constantly. Friends would message just to check if we were alive. Not metaphorically. They would text those exact words. “Do you think we’re alive?” It felt like I shouldn’t be. Like none of us should.
Beirut felt like a city of the walking dead. For weeks, I rewatched the footage of bloodied survivors walking through the streets I call home. I would spot friends and then I would be too worried to call and ask about them, guilty that I hadn't thought about them earlier. But who do you call when your entire city has blown up? Where do you start?
Trauma is a strange thing. You think it’s in the past, but it lives in your body. I often tell myself enough time has passed. That August 4, 2020 doesn’t haunt me anymore. Then someone brings it up and I start to remember it in my bones.
Weeks after the blast, my father told me that after the explosion, he decided to just stay seated where he was in the building as the roof tiles collapsed around him. He was just awaiting his fate. “Where is an 80-year-old man going to run to?” he said. Then I saw security footage of that moment circulate on social media. I saw my father accept his fate. But then I saw the young journalists who ushered him out. They would not let him accept it.
That is the story of that day to me: the helping hands that emerged from everywhere to carry those who couldn’t carry themselves. The NGOs that popped up to fix the doors and windows of those who had been left penniless by Lebanon’s overlapping crises. The people who set up food banks and offered shelter.
Today in Lebanon, I see a country emerging from what happened that day. One of the areas most affected in Gemmayzeh is thriving again. My fears that developers would come in and destroy its heritage in a land grab have proven unfounded. I hear stories of the architects who stepped in to ensure it was restored just as it was.
But I feel guilt five years on, dwelling on that day. With the continuing genocide of Palestinians a few hundred kilometres away, with the destruction wrought on Lebanon by Israel in the past two years, with the sectarian violence in Syria. The list goes on. It feels strange to carry August 4 as my trauma. I lost nothing that day. After all was said and done, I was lucky that day.
But it is trauma, laced now with shame because others lost everything: 220 people died, thousands were maimed, the city was broken.
We have a Lebanese habit of not really reflecting. A lot of our trauma is not post-traumatic, because we are still in the phase of being traumatised. It is tempting to say “that was five years ago and many horrible things have happened to us and others around us in that time". All of that is true. But avoiding trauma – and the systemic dysfunction that led to it – is not a solution.
I say I lost nothing that day, but that’s not entirely true. Explosions from war or assassinations felt horrible but legible. I could assign some reasoning to the criminal intent behind those acts. This blast felt worse – senseless, rooted in neglect. It felt like the very structure of the country had betrayed us.
I’ve never looked at life the same way since that day. It broke something in me. Since then, I’ve only returned to Lebanon for funerals and family emergencies. Like a reluctant relative, doing the bare minimum. I know many people who feel the same – who left that day and never looked back.
But now that my relationship with the country is on the mend, I realise that it wasn't what I was turning my back on. I was trying to run away from what that day made me feel. The blast shattered any illusion that I might control my life. It made me realise how close we are to everything ending every minute of every day.
And yet I feel guilty that I sometimes forget that day. Guilty that I try to forget the people who died - because remembering them means confronting the fact that I didn’t.
For years, my relationship to Lebanon was defined by all the trauma I hadn’t lived. I moved there in 1997, after the civil war. During the decade I spent there on and off, people often dismissed my opinions with: “You didn’t live through the worst of it." Not sharing the collective trauma made me less Lebanese.
In a perverse way, an entire city shared a collective, instant trauma that day. We owe it to those who lost everything that day to mark it, to memorialise it. The blast – and the lack of accountability that followed it – were caused by chronic neglect and corruption. If we use our trauma for anything, it should be to ensure that something like this never happens again and that we can look forward to a day where we bond a nation through our joy rather than our pain.
BORDERLANDS
Starring: Cate Blanchett, Kevin Hart, Jamie Lee Curtis
Director: Eli Roth
Rating: 0/5
Dark Souls: Remastered
Developer: From Software (remaster by QLOC)
Publisher: Namco Bandai
Price: Dh199
UAE currency: the story behind the money in your pockets
The biog
Age: 59
From: Giza Governorate, Egypt
Family: A daughter, two sons and wife
Favourite tree: Ghaf
Runner up favourite tree: Frankincense
Favourite place on Sir Bani Yas Island: “I love all of Sir Bani Yas. Every spot of Sir Bani Yas, I love it.”
Key facilities
- Olympic-size swimming pool with a split bulkhead for multi-use configurations, including water polo and 50m/25m training lanes
- Premier League-standard football pitch
- 400m Olympic running track
- NBA-spec basketball court with auditorium
- 600-seat auditorium
- Spaces for historical and cultural exploration
- An elevated football field that doubles as a helipad
- Specialist robotics and science laboratories
- AR and VR-enabled learning centres
- Disruption Lab and Research Centre for developing entrepreneurial skills
The specs
- Engine: 3.9-litre twin-turbo V8
- Power: 640hp
- Torque: 760nm
- On sale: 2026
- Price: Not announced yet
The specs
Engine: 4.0-litre flat-six
Torque: 450Nm at 6,100rpm
Transmission: 7-speed PDK auto or 6-speed manual
Fuel economy, combined: 13.8L/100km
On sale: Available to order now
UAE currency: the story behind the money in your pockets
Arrogate's winning run
1. Maiden Special Weight, Santa Anita Park, June 5, 2016
2. Allowance Optional Claiming, Santa Anita Park, June 24, 2016
3. Allowance Optional Claiming, Del Mar, August 4, 2016
4. Travers Stakes, Saratoga, August 27, 2016
5. Breeders' Cup Classic, Santa Anita Park, November 5, 2016
6. Pegasus World Cup, Gulfstream Park, January 28, 2017
7. Dubai World Cup, Meydan Racecourse, March 25, 2017
David Haye record
Total fights: 32
Wins: 28
Wins by KO: 26
Losses: 4
AI traffic lights to ease congestion at seven points to Sheikh Zayed bin Sultan Street
The seven points are:
Shakhbout bin Sultan Street
Dhafeer Street
Hadbat Al Ghubainah Street (outbound)
Salama bint Butti Street
Al Dhafra Street
Rabdan Street
Umm Yifina Street exit (inbound)
Three trading apps to try
Sharad Nair recommends three investment apps for UAE residents:
- For beginners or people who want to start investing with limited capital, Mr Nair suggests eToro. “The low fees and low minimum balance requirements make the platform more accessible,” he says. “The user interface is straightforward to understand and operate, while its social element may help ease beginners into the idea of investing money by looking to a virtual community.”
- If you’re an experienced investor, and have $10,000 or more to invest, consider Saxo Bank. “Saxo Bank offers a more comprehensive trading platform with advanced features and insight for more experienced users. It offers a more personalised approach to opening and operating an account on their platform,” he says.
- Finally, StashAway could work for those who want a hands-off approach to their investing. “It removes one of the biggest challenges for novice traders: picking the securities in their portfolio,” Mr Nair says. “A goal-based approach or view towards investing can help motivate residents who may usually shy away from investment platforms.”
Where can I submit a sample?
Volunteers can now submit DNA samples at a number of centres across Abu Dhabi. The programme is open to all ages.
Collection centres in Abu Dhabi include:
- Abu Dhabi National Exhibition Centre (ADNEC)
- Biogenix Labs in Masdar City
- Al Towayya in Al Ain
- NMC Royal Hospital in Khalifa City
- Bareen International Hospital
- NMC Specialty Hospital, Al Ain
- NMC Royal Medical Centre - Abu Dhabi
- NMC Royal Women’s Hospital.
Company%20profile
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Padmaavat
Director: Sanjay Leela Bhansali
Starring: Ranveer Singh, Deepika Padukone, Shahid Kapoor, Jim Sarbh
3.5/5
BMW%20M4%20Competition
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Thanksgiving meals to try
World Cut Steakhouse, Habtoor Palace Hotel, Dubai. On Thursday evening, head chef Diego Solis will be serving a high-end sounding four-course meal that features chestnut veloute with smoked duck breast, turkey roulade accompanied by winter vegetables and foie gras and pecan pie, cranberry compote and popcorn ice cream.
Jones the Grocer, various locations across the UAE. Jones’s take-home holiday menu delivers on the favourites: whole roast turkeys, an array of accompaniments (duck fat roast potatoes, sausages wrapped in beef bacon, honey-glazed parsnips and carrots) and more, as well as festive food platters, canapes and both apple and pumpkin pies.
Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse, The Address Hotel, Dubai. This New Orleans-style restaurant is keen to take the stress out of entertaining, so until December 25 you can order a full seasonal meal from its Takeaway Turkey Feast menu, which features turkey, homemade gravy and a selection of sides – think green beans with almond flakes, roasted Brussels sprouts, sweet potato casserole and bread stuffing – to pick up and eat at home.
The Mattar Farm Kitchen, Dubai. From now until Christmas, Hattem Mattar and his team will be producing game- changing smoked turkeys that you can enjoy at home over the festive period.
Nolu’s, The Galleria Mall, Maryah Island Abu Dhabi. With much of the menu focused on a California inspired “farm to table” approach (with Afghani influence), it only seems right that Nolu’s will be serving their take on the Thanksgiving spread, with a brunch at the Downtown location from 12pm to 4pm on Friday.
Killing of Qassem Suleimani
The Al Barzakh Festival takes place on Wednesday and Thursday at 7.30pm in the Red Theatre, NYUAD, Saadiyat Island. Tickets cost Dh105 for adults from platinumlist.net
Key recommendations
- Fewer criminals put behind bars and more to serve sentences in the community, with short sentences scrapped and many inmates released earlier.
- Greater use of curfews and exclusion zones to deliver tougher supervision than ever on criminals.
- Explore wider powers for judges to punish offenders by blocking them from attending football matches, banning them from driving or travelling abroad through an expansion of ‘ancillary orders’.
- More Intensive Supervision Courts to tackle the root causes of crime such as alcohol and drug abuse – forcing repeat offenders to take part in tough treatment programmes or face prison.
Results
6.30pm: Maiden Dh165,000 (Dirt) 1,200m
Winner: Barack Beach, Richard Mullen (jockey), Satish Seemar (trainer).
7.05pm: Handicap Dh170,000 (D) 1,200m
Winner: Way Of Wisdom, Connor Beasley, Satish Seemar.
7.40pm: Maiden Dh165,000 (D) 1,900m
Winner: Woodditton, Connor Beasley, Ahmad bin Harmash.
8.15pm: Handicap Dh185,000 (D) 2,000m
Winner: Secret Trade, Sandro Paiva, Ali Rashid Al Raihe.
8.50pm: Handicap Dh185,000 (D) 1,600m
Winner: Mark Of Approval, Antonio Fresu, Mahmood Hussain.
9.25pm: Handicap Dh165,000 (D) 2,000m
Winner: Tradesman, Pat Dobbs, Doug Watson.
HIJRA
Starring: Lamar Faden, Khairiah Nathmy, Nawaf Al-Dhufairy
Director: Shahad Ameen
Rating: 3/5
Tell-tale signs of burnout
- loss of confidence and appetite
- irritability and emotional outbursts
- sadness
- persistent physical ailments such as headaches, frequent infections and fatigue
- substance abuse, such as smoking or drinking more
- impaired judgement
- excessive and continuous worrying
- irregular sleep patterns
Tips to help overcome burnout
Acknowledge how you are feeling by listening to your warning signs. Set boundaries and learn to say ‘no’
Do activities that you want to do as well as things you have to do
Undertake at least 30 minutes of exercise per day. It releases an abundance of feel-good hormones
Find your form of relaxation and make time for it each day e.g. soothing music, reading or mindful meditation
Sleep and wake at the same time every day, even if your sleep pattern was disrupted. Without enough sleep condition such as stress, anxiety and depression can thrive.
