When my dad died recently many tried to comfort me with the words, “He’s in a better place now,” or “have strength.” The latter particularly irritated me — it suggested that with strength and optimism I would get over the great loss. It was uttered to me by nearly everyone at his funeral. Of course, their hearts were in the right place but the optimistic advice was not beneficial for my well-being. Instead, every time I cried I felt it was a moment of weakness.
Think back to a time when a loved one or friend was feeling down. Did you ever say something along the lines of: “Cheer up, it’ll be OK,” or worse, “Cheer up, it may never happen”? If so, then I’m afraid to tell you, that’s toxic positivity.
It may seem brutal to label well-intentioned comments as toxic, but the truth is that dismissing negative emotions with false reassurances, rather than empathy, can have a harmful impact on mental health and relationships.
What is toxic positivity?
“Toxic positivity is the assumption that despite our emotional pain or challenges in life, we should only have a positive mindset,” says Christine Kritzas, counselling psychologist and education director at The LightHouse. “When positivity is used to invalidate, deny or silence the human experience, it becomes toxic.”
Don't get it wrong, the last thing being suggested is to adopt a constantly pessimistic approach. It’s great to have a positive outlook. However, when life causes us to deal with painful emotions, this is when we need to start being honest.
“When difficult things happen, it is important to acknowledge our feelings and those of others instead of glossing over them,” says Mirna Iwaza, clinical hypnotherapist and relationship coach at Miracles Dubai. “Acknowledging and allowing your true feelings to surface is very therapeutic in the moment, and can be more helpful to your mental health than hanging on to unrelatable optimistic opinions and beliefs.
“Forcing a positive spin on everything can give you an unrealistic outlook and may force people to reject your advice or feel unheard or uncomfortable in your presence.”
10 tell-tale signs that you are living with toxic positivity
Toxic positivity-associated traits to look out for:
- You hide how you really feel emotionally
- You dismiss feelings that aren’t positive
- You feel shame when you have negative emotions
- You focus on the positive aspects of a painful situation
- You refuse to let anyone see you unhappy, only revealing the upbeat version of yourself
- You are easily irritated by those who struggle to be positive
- You shame others for showing vulnerabilities
- You “just get on with it” and are angry when others don’t
- You struggle to quit projects or relationships when their time is up
- You say phrases such as “it could be worse”
What are the impacts of toxic positivity?
Toxic positive behaviour does not allow you to heal or experience authentic happiness, which can have long-term consequences. Iwaza says, “Whenever you catch yourself expecting to be positive all the time at all costs, or if you keep repeating and living by cliches such as, ‘Tears are for losers’ or, ‘Failure is not an option’ you need to stop and remember to be more gentle with yourself and show yourself more compassion.
“Give yourself the safe space to feel and heal, instead of living in toxic positivity and denying yourself the reality of your own feelings.”
Inhibiting feelings can lead to excessive emotional baggage which, in turn, leads to longer-lasting deeper issues including anxiety, detachment and low self-esteem, often resulting in high levels of stress and burnout. Iwaza says, “All of this takes its toll on the body and can manifest in lowered energy levels, sleep issues, lowered immunity, allergies and more.”
The simple fact is, authentic happiness cannot be achieved in the absence of negative feelings — there needs to be a balance. By accepting life’s highs and lows, we start to appreciate it more.
What causes toxic behaviour?
Kritzas believes people resort to toxic positivity for one of three main reasons. The first is a lack of self-awareness; we may not realise that we are being dismissive of our feelings and may genuinely believe that by saying “look on the bright side” is helpful.
The second is an individual's struggle to sit with difficult emotions. It may be too painful to comfort with our own difficult feelings, let alone try to comfort others who are struggling to deal with a challenging situation. The final reason is a lack of empathetic skills. When we struggle to connect to the pain that others are experiencing, we will most likely minimise or play down their experiences.
How to break the cycle of toxic positivity
Toxic positivity is a mindset, which means it can be changed. “Take your time to lick your wounds then emerge at your own pace,” advises Iwaza. “The only way to truly heal is to go through the dark emotion itself. Mindfulness allows you to just do that. It gives you the safe space to sit with the emotion and make your way through it, and allows you to embrace the experience in the way that is just right for you. The bottom line is to know that it is possible to feel sad and to have a positive and optimistic outlook at the same time.”
Instead of striving to be positive, aim to be a realistic optimist, says Kritzas. “This is someone who is able to acknowledge their current circumstances while still experiencing a sense of calm and contentment about the outcome. It is someone who is able to recognise when they are in a dark tunnel, admit it, but have hope there is light at the end.’”
Acknowledging and validating our own feelings and those of others is a key to being healthily optimistic. Kritzas also advises adopting a growth mindset. “Instead of viewing setbacks and failures as the opposite of success, start viewing them as part of your success,” she says. “When we view failures as lessons which we can learn from, we start experiencing personal growth at a rapid rate.”
Ultimately, when It comes to eliminating toxic positivity from our lives, the most important thing to remember is that it is OK, to not be OK. Life shouldn’t be one long relentless grind of positivity. We simply need to be in whatever state we are in: happy, sad, somewhere in the middle. Life has peaks and troughs, and our emotions should reflect that.
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Killing of Qassem Suleimani
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Company profile
Date started: Founded in May 2017 and operational since April 2018
Founders: co-founder and chief executive, Doaa Aref; Dr Rasha Rady, co-founder and chief operating officer.
Based: Cairo, Egypt
Sector: Health-tech
Size: 22 employees
Funding: Seed funding
Investors: Flat6labs, 500 Falcons, three angel investors
UAE currency: the story behind the money in your pockets
SPEC%20SHEET
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Credit Score explained
What is a credit score?
In the UAE your credit score is a number generated by the Al Etihad Credit Bureau (AECB), which represents your credit worthiness – in other words, your risk of defaulting on any debt repayments. In this country, the number is between 300 and 900. A low score indicates a higher risk of default, while a high score indicates you are a lower risk.
Why is it important?
Financial institutions will use it to decide whether or not you are a credit risk. Those with better scores may also receive preferential interest rates or terms on products such as loans, credit cards and mortgages.
How is it calculated?
The AECB collects information on your payment behaviour from banks as well as utilitiy and telecoms providers.
How can I improve my score?
By paying your bills on time and not missing any repayments, particularly your loan, credit card and mortgage payments. It is also wise to limit the number of credit card and loan applications you make and to reduce your outstanding balances.
How do I know if my score is low or high?
By checking it. Visit one of AECB’s Customer Happiness Centres with an original and valid Emirates ID, passport copy and valid email address. Liv. customers can also access the score directly from the banking app.
How much does it cost?
A credit report costs Dh100 while a report with the score included costs Dh150. Those only wanting the credit score pay Dh60. VAT is payable on top.
UAE’s revised Cricket World Cup League Two schedule
August, 2021: Host - United States; Teams - UAE, United States and Scotland
Between September and November, 2021 (dates TBC): Host - Namibia; Teams - Namibia, Oman, UAE
December, 2021: Host - UAE; Teams - UAE, Namibia, Oman
February, 2022: Hosts - Nepal; Teams - UAE, Nepal, PNG
June, 2022: Hosts - Scotland; Teams - UAE, United States, Scotland
September, 2022: Hosts - PNG; Teams - UAE, PNG, Nepal
February, 2023: Hosts - UAE; Teams - UAE, PNG, Nepal
Russia's Muslim Heartlands
Dominic Rubin, Oxford
UAE currency: the story behind the money in your pockets
Company profile
Company name: Suraasa
Started: 2018
Founders: Rishabh Khanna, Ankit Khanna and Sahil Makker
Based: India, UAE and the UK
Industry: EdTech
Initial investment: More than $200,000 in seed funding
DSC Eagles 23 Dubai Hurricanes 36
Eagles
Tries: Bright, O’Driscoll
Cons: Carey 2
Pens: Carey 3
Hurricanes
Tries: Knight 2, Lewis, Finck, Powell, Perry
Cons: Powell 3
MOUNTAINHEAD REVIEW
Starring: Ramy Youssef, Steve Carell, Jason Schwartzman
Director: Jesse Armstrong
Rating: 3.5/5
Game Changer
Director: Shankar
Stars: Ram Charan, Kiara Advani, Anjali, S J Suryah, Jayaram
Rating: 2/5
Emergency
Director: Kangana Ranaut
Stars: Kangana Ranaut, Anupam Kher, Shreyas Talpade, Milind Soman, Mahima Chaudhry
Rating: 2/5
Specs
Engine: 51.5kW electric motor
Range: 400km
Power: 134bhp
Torque: 175Nm
Price: From Dh98,800
Available: Now
More from Aya Iskandarani
Killing of Qassem Suleimani
Points to remember
- Debate the issue, don't attack the person
- Build the relationship and dialogue by seeking to find common ground
- Express passion for the issue but be aware of when you're losing control or when there's anger. If there is, pause and take some time out.
- Listen actively without interrupting
- Avoid assumptions, seek understanding, ask questions
Tearful appearance
Chancellor Rachel Reeves set markets on edge as she appeared visibly distraught in parliament on Wednesday.
Legislative setbacks for the government have blown a new hole in the budgetary calculations at a time when the deficit is stubbornly large and the economy is struggling to grow.
She appeared with Keir Starmer on Thursday and the pair embraced, but he had failed to give her his backing as she cried a day earlier.
A spokesman said her upset demeanour was due to a personal matter.
ESSENTIALS
The flights
Emirates flies from Dubai to Phnom Penh via Yangon from Dh2,700 return including taxes. Cambodia Bayon Airlines and Cambodia Angkor Air offer return flights from Phnom Penh to Siem Reap from Dh250 return including taxes. The flight takes about 45 minutes.
The hotels
Rooms at the Raffles Le Royal in Phnom Penh cost from $225 (Dh826) per night including taxes. Rooms at the Grand Hotel d'Angkor cost from $261 (Dh960) per night including taxes.
The tours
A cyclo architecture tour of Phnom Penh costs from $20 (Dh75) per person for about three hours, with Khmer Architecture Tours. Tailor-made tours of all of Cambodia, or sites like Angkor alone, can be arranged by About Asia Travel. Emirates Holidays also offers packages.
Killing of Qassem Suleimani
Key figures in the life of the fort
Sheikh Dhiyab bin Isa (ruled 1761-1793) Built Qasr Al Hosn as a watchtower to guard over the only freshwater well on Abu Dhabi island.
Sheikh Shakhbut bin Dhiyab (ruled 1793-1816) Expanded the tower into a small fort and transferred his ruling place of residence from Liwa Oasis to the fort on the island.
Sheikh Tahnoon bin Shakhbut (ruled 1818-1833) Expanded Qasr Al Hosn further as Abu Dhabi grew from a small village of palm huts to a town of more than 5,000 inhabitants.
Sheikh Khalifa bin Shakhbut (ruled 1833-1845) Repaired and fortified the fort.
Sheikh Saeed bin Tahnoon (ruled 1845-1855) Turned Qasr Al Hosn into a strong two-storied structure.
Sheikh Zayed bin Khalifa (ruled 1855-1909) Expanded Qasr Al Hosn further to reflect the emirate's increasing prominence.
Sheikh Shakhbut bin Sultan (ruled 1928-1966) Renovated and enlarged Qasr Al Hosn, adding a decorative arch and two new villas.
Sheikh Zayed bin Sultan (ruled 1966-2004) Moved the royal residence to Al Manhal palace and kept his diwan at Qasr Al Hosn.
Sources: Jayanti Maitra, www.adach.ae
The National's picks
4.35pm: Tilal Al Khalediah
5.10pm: Continous
5.45pm: Raging Torrent
6.20pm: West Acre
7pm: Flood Zone
7.40pm: Straight No Chaser
8.15pm: Romantic Warrior
8.50pm: Calandogan
9.30pm: Forever Young
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What can victims do?
Always use only regulated platforms
Stop all transactions and communication on suspicion
Save all evidence (screenshots, chat logs, transaction IDs)
Report to local authorities
Warn others to prevent further harm
Courtesy: Crystal Intelligence
Takreem Awards winners 2021
Corporate Leadership: Carl Bistany (Lebanon)
Cultural Excellence: Hoor Al Qasimi (UAE)
Environmental Development and Sustainability: Bkerzay (Lebanon)
Environmental Development and Sustainability: Raya Ani (Iraq)
Humanitarian and Civic Services: Women’s Programs Association (Lebanon)
Humanitarian and Civic Services: Osamah Al Thini (Libya)
Excellence in Education: World Innovation Summit for Education (WISE) (Qatar)
Outstanding Arab Woman: Balghis Badri (Sudan)
Scientific and Technological Achievement: Mohamed Slim Alouini (KSA)
Young Entrepreneur: Omar Itani (Lebanon)
Lifetime Achievement: Suad Al Amiry (Palestine)
The specs
Engine: 1.5-litre turbo
Power: 181hp
Torque: 230Nm
Transmission: 6-speed automatic
Starting price: Dh79,000
On sale: Now
UAE currency: the story behind the money in your pockets
