Ruma Mehra, 38, was devastated after the death of her twin brother from Covid-19 last May. She grieved her sibling’s death, but gradually found herself withdrawing into a cocoon, unable to shed tears over the tragedy.
Her worried family consulted a psychiatrist who put Mehra on a two-week “emotion-focused therapy” course. EFT is based on the premise that emotions are key to identity, and required the mother-of-two to share her feelings as much as she could with her family or write them down.
“In the beginning, it was an effort. But when I saw my family affected by my state, I forced myself to express myself and share with them how sad I was feeling, reminiscing about good times with my brother and crying whenever I couldn’t hold back the tears,” says Mehra. After a month, she started feeling “lighter, brighter and ready to reclaim my life”.
As challenging as it may be, psychologists advise that the best way to handle sadness and grief is to embrace them. If talking about your circumstances helps, find empathetic people who will listen to you. If you feel like crying, go right ahead.
“Many people associate crying during grief with depression, when it can actually be a sign of healing,” says clinical psychologist Sakshi Gupta. "While women find it relatively easier to express themselves through tears, boys and men are socially conditioned not to, even though this can reduce negative health behaviours and help them have fuller lives."
Crying, she says, is a valuable “safety valve” and can bring mental health benefits. Doing so in a social setting can facilitate bonding and promote feelings of kinship or sorority. Withholding tears, on the other hand, can trigger stress, and lead to anxiety build-up, blood pressure and muscle tightening.
When you experience pain deeply, you’re also able to feel happiness with the same intensity, leading to a fuller life
Kamlesh Masalawala,
laughter therapist and founder of Healthy Crying Club
Biologically, crying releases cortisol and creates feel-good endorphins, which are also known as the body’s natural painkillers. Emotional tears also have higher levels of stress hormones in them, according to the American Academy of Ophthalmology. In other words, one is literally purged of distress as one cries.
Grief counsellor Mini Makhija says she advises her patients to “never hold back from crying” whenever they feel overwhelmed. “They come back reporting more mental peace followed by a gradual return to normalcy after they’ve purged themselves through bouts of crying,” she says.
Laughter therapist Kamlesh Masalawala was so convinced of the healing power of tears that he launched India’s first crying club in 2017 in Surat. One Sunday a month, men and women flock to the Healthy Crying Club for a collective and cathartic sobfest. “When laughter can be shared, why not grief?” says Masalawala.
When sorrow, misery and pain overwhelm you, “tears emerge naturally as a response stimulated by anxiety. When you experience pain deeply, you’re also able to feel happiness with the same intensity, leading to a fuller life,” he explains.
The club’s 100-odd members say the congregation provides them with a valuable outlet for their grief because, for many adults, crying at home isn’t an option for fear of hurting their loved ones. This often leads to an unhealthy build-up of negative feelings, triggering further stress and anxiety.
“I was very disturbed after my husband’s death last May,” shares one crying club member, 63, who requested anonymity. "As both my children are in Australia, and couldn’t even attend his funeral due to travel restrictions, there was a lot of pent-up hurt and sadness, which was impacting my health.
“When I come to the club and see others experiencing grief, I feel I’m not alone. It’s strangely comforting and I judge myself less harshly.”
Expressing sadness is not embarrassing or a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength
Mini Makhija,
grief counsellor
The concept of holding a group activity to induce tears originated in Japan in 2013. Termed rui-katsu, the first crying festival was organised in Tokyo in 2017. Now, increasingly, the Japanese are booking themselves for community weeping sessions, with rui-katsu finding resonance among the young and old alike. A series of books that features pictures of men sobbing have also become popular.
A sales executive from Tokyo, 30, who requested anonymity, is a regular at rui-katsu sessions, which she finds therapeutic. “Crying clears the mind and reduces stress. Whether you’ve had a tough time with your boss, your boyfriend or trouble with a diet, tears can help you reset. In Japanese culture, people tend to hide their feelings rather than openly express them. So, many of my friends congregate at rui-katsu or ‘tear-seeking’ sessions to share movies, videos or [audiovisual clips] that evoke strong emotions or tears and where we can let it all out without judgment.”
Historically, too, tears were believed to be “diamonds that embodied celestial spirits”, in ancient Greek and Roman culture, and philosophers believed tears offered an emotional release and were both purifying and purgative.
“As we grow older, we form walls that prevent us from expressing ourselves clearly,” says Makhija. "Children are emotionally and physically more healthy compared to adults because they cry easily if hurt. Expressing sadness is not embarrassing or a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength."
While not everyone will seek out a therapist or communal crying club, Makhija recommends allotting a “crying nook” in the home. “It could be your pantry, terrace or a garden. Find a spot where you’re least likely to be disturbed. Play doleful music through earphones, burn an aroma candle and focus on your grief. Let it wash over you like a tidal wave. The tears will follow.”
Other simple hacks Makhija recommends are watching sad movies, journaling one’s feelings and volunteering to help the underprivileged.
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Company Profile
Name: Thndr
Started: 2019
Co-founders: Ahmad Hammouda and Seif Amr
Sector: FinTech
Headquarters: Egypt
UAE base: Hub71, Abu Dhabi
Current number of staff: More than 150
Funds raised: $22 million
UAE currency: the story behind the money in your pockets
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Read more about the coronavirus
COMPANY PROFILE
Name: Kumulus Water
Started: 2021
Founders: Iheb Triki and Mohamed Ali Abid
Based: Tunisia
Sector: Water technology
Number of staff: 22
Investment raised: $4 million
Getting there
Flydubai flies direct from Dubai to Tbilisi from Dh1,025 return including taxes
UAE currency: the story behind the money in your pockets
Test
Director: S Sashikanth
Cast: Nayanthara, Siddharth, Meera Jasmine, R Madhavan
Star rating: 2/5
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- Join parent networks
- Look beyond school fees
- Keep an open mind
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Tree of Hell
Starring: Raed Zeno, Hadi Awada, Dr Mohammad Abdalla
Director: Raed Zeno
Rating: 4/5
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Results
Ashraf Ghani 50.64 per cent
Abdullah Abdullah 39.52 per cent
Gulbuddin Hekmatyar 3.85 per cent
Rahmatullah Nabil 1.8 per cent
Key facilities
- Olympic-size swimming pool with a split bulkhead for multi-use configurations, including water polo and 50m/25m training lanes
- Premier League-standard football pitch
- 400m Olympic running track
- NBA-spec basketball court with auditorium
- 600-seat auditorium
- Spaces for historical and cultural exploration
- An elevated football field that doubles as a helipad
- Specialist robotics and science laboratories
- AR and VR-enabled learning centres
- Disruption Lab and Research Centre for developing entrepreneurial skills
How The Debt Panel's advice helped readers in 2019
December 11: 'My husband died, so what happens to the Dh240,000 he owes in the UAE?'
JL, a housewife from India, wrote to us about her husband, who died earlier this month. He left behind an outstanding loan of Dh240,000 and she was hoping to pay it off with an insurance policy he had taken out. She also wanted to recover some of her husband’s end-of-service liabilities to help support her and her son.
“I have no words to thank you for helping me out,” she wrote to The Debt Panel after receiving the panellists' comments. “The advice has given me an idea of the present status of the loan and how to take it up further. I will draft a letter and send it to the email ID on the bank’s website along with the death certificate. I hope and pray to find a way out of this.”
November 26: ‘I owe Dh100,000 because my employer has not paid me for a year’
SL, a financial services employee from India, left the UAE in June after quitting his job because his employer had not paid him since November 2018. He owes Dh103,800 on four debts and was told by the panellists he may be able to use the insolvency law to solve his issue.
SL thanked the panellists for their efforts. "Indeed, I have some clarity on the consequence of the case and the next steps to take regarding my situation," he says. "Hopefully, I will be able to provide a positive testimony soon."
October 15: 'I lost my job and left the UAE owing Dh71,000. Can I return?'
MS, an energy sector employee from South Africa, left the UAE in August after losing his Dh12,000 job. He was struggling to meet the repayments while securing a new position in the UAE and feared he would be detained if he returned. He has now secured a new job and will return to the Emirates this month.
“The insolvency law is indeed a relief to hear,” he says. "I will not apply for insolvency at this stage. I have been able to pay something towards my loan and credit card. As it stands, I only have a one-month deficit, which I will be able to recover by the end of December."
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The five pillars of Islam
1. Fasting
2. Prayer
3. Hajj
4. Shahada
5. Zakat
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The specs: 2017 Ford F-150 Raptor
Price, base / as tested Dh220,000 / Dh320,000
Engine 3.5L V6
Transmission 10-speed automatic
Power 421hp @ 6,000rpm
Torque 678Nm @ 3,750rpm
Fuel economy, combined 14.1L / 100km
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The specs
Engine: 2.7-litre 4-cylinder Turbomax
Power: 310hp
Torque: 583Nm
Transmission: 8-speed automatic
Price: From Dh192,500
On sale: Now
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The specs
Engine: 3.0-litre six-cylinder turbo
Power: 398hp from 5,250rpm
Torque: 580Nm at 1,900-4,800rpm
Transmission: Eight-speed auto
Fuel economy, combined: 6.5L/100km
On sale: December
Price: From Dh330,000 (estimate)
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RESULTS
2pm: Handicap (PA) Dh40,000 (Dirt) 1,000m
Winner: AF Mozhell, Saif Al Balushi (jockey), Khalifa Al Neyadi (trainer)
2.30pm: Maiden (PA) Dh40,000 (D) 2,000m
Winner: Majdi, Szczepan Mazur, Abdallah Al Hammadi.
3pm: Handicap (PA) Dh40,000 (D) 1,700m
Winner: AF Athabeh, Tadhg O’Shea, Ernst Oertel.
3.30pm: Handicap (PA) Dh40,000 (D) 1,700m
Winner: AF Eshaar, Bernardo Pinheiro, Khalifa Al Neyadi
4pm: Gulf Cup presented by Longines Prestige (PA) Dh150,000 (D) 1,700m
Winner: Al Roba’a Al Khali, Al Moatasem Al Balushi, Younis Al Kalbani
4.30pm: Handicap (TB) Dh40,000 (D) 1,200m
Winner: Apolo Kid, Antonio Fresu, Musabah Al Muahiri
