One of my favourite ever television shows was Police Squad, the short-lived series that introduced the world to the lunacy of Lieutenant Frank Drebin (beautifully played by the late, great Leslie Nielsen) and laid the silliness foundations for the Naked Gun films. Among many, many running gags was one involving lifts, which would regularly stop at rather interesting places you might not expect to find in a police station.
One time, as Drebin conversed with a colleague regarding a crime he'd no doubt solve via the most farcical means possible, a man in Speedos steps in, only to get out at the next floor and dive off a board into a swimming pool. Another time saw a woman in evening wear walk straight out on to a cabaret stage, complete with tossed roses from the audience. Naturally, Drebin and co were so engrossed in chat that they didn't notice.
Alas, as any regular high-rise dweller will tell you, traversing floors is almost never as interesting as that. And, alas, I am once again forced to put my recent lift-based grievances to paper. I'm genuinely sorry for bringing it up again, but another week of travelling to the 25th floor has taken its toll (and seen yet more precious hours spent staring at a screen with numbers on it).
Over the past week I've overheard some of the world's dreariest conversations within those confined four walls; I've seen a man enter the Guinness World Records for Most Lift Mirror Inspections of Most Desperate Combover Attempt, and I've stood for an entire 25-stop journey next to an individual with body odour that should have been kept sealed in an underground laboratory.
In any case, I could overlook all of this (yes, even the pong), were there occasional Police Squad-style interludes to break the monotony.What I want is for the doors to open every now and again to reveal a verdant jungle filled with exotic animals, a Nasa-style control room with blinking lights and hordes of computer screens, a TV game show studio, complete with spinning wheels, bikini-clad hostesses and cheesy host. And I want it to change regularly, both in terms of floor number and content, to keep everyone on their toes. Just knowing that the lift could, maybe, make such a stop would be enough to lift (excuse the pun) spirits. Sure it might cost a bit, but the increased moral and subsequent productivity should more than make up for the expense.
In the meantime, I've taken to bringing something to read in the lift. The one upside of this is that I now have ample time to meet my resolution-enforced quota of a book every week. Except when I'm travelling with ol' Mr Aroma, as it doesn't half sting my eyes.
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The specs: 2019 Haval H6
Price, base: Dh69,900
Engine: 2.0-litre turbocharged four-cylinder
Transmission: Seven-speed automatic
Power: 197hp @ 5,500rpm
Torque: 315Nm @ 2,000rpm
Fuel economy, combined: 7.0L / 100km
UAE currency: the story behind the money in your pockets
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Test
Director: S Sashikanth
Cast: Nayanthara, Siddharth, Meera Jasmine, R Madhavan
Star rating: 2/5
Ruwais timeline
1971 Abu Dhabi National Oil Company established
1980 Ruwais Housing Complex built, located 10 kilometres away from industrial plants
1982 120,000 bpd capacity Ruwais refinery complex officially inaugurated by the founder of the UAE Sheikh Zayed
1984 Second phase of Ruwais Housing Complex built. Today the 7,000-unit complex houses some 24,000 people.
1985 The refinery is expanded with the commissioning of a 27,000 b/d hydro cracker complex
2009 Plans announced to build $1.2 billion fertilizer plant in Ruwais, producing urea
2010 Adnoc awards $10bn contracts for expansion of Ruwais refinery, to double capacity from 415,000 bpd
2014 Ruwais 261-outlet shopping mall opens
2014 Production starts at newly expanded Ruwais refinery, providing jet fuel and diesel and allowing the UAE to be self-sufficient for petrol supplies
2014 Etihad Rail begins transportation of sulphur from Shah and Habshan to Ruwais for export
2017 Aldar Academies to operate Adnoc’s schools including in Ruwais from September. Eight schools operate in total within the housing complex.
2018 Adnoc announces plans to invest $3.1 billion on upgrading its Ruwais refinery
2018 NMC Healthcare selected to manage operations of Ruwais Hospital
2018 Adnoc announces new downstream strategy at event in Abu Dhabi on May 13
Source: The National
The specs
Engine: 4.0-litre flat-six
Torque: 450Nm at 6,100rpm
Transmission: 7-speed PDK auto or 6-speed manual
Fuel economy, combined: 13.8L/100km
On sale: Available to order now
The specs: 2018 Maserati Levante S
Price, base / as tested: Dh409,000 / Dh467,000
Engine: 3.0-litre V6
Transmission: Eight-speed automatic
Power: 430hp @ 5,750rpm
Torque: 580Nm @ 4,500rpm
Fuel economy, combined: 10.9L / 100km
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Where to buy
Limited-edition art prints of The Sofa Series: Sultani can be acquired from Reem El Mutwalli at www.reemelmutwalli.com
The biog
Simon Nadim has completed 7,000 dives.
The hardest dive in the UAE is the German U-boat 110m down off the Fujairah coast.
As a child, he loved the documentaries of Jacques Cousteau
He also led a team that discovered the long-lost portion of the Ines oil tanker.
If you are interested in diving, he runs the XR Hub Dive Centre in Fujairah
Mane points for safe home colouring
- Natural and grey hair takes colour differently than chemically treated hair
- Taking hair from a dark to a light colour should involve a slow transition through warmer stages of colour
- When choosing a colour (especially a lighter tone), allow for a natural lift of warmth
- Most modern hair colours are technique-based, in that they require a confident hand and taught skills
- If you decide to be brave and go for it, seek professional advice and use a semi-permanent colour
In numbers: PKK’s money network in Europe
Germany: PKK collectors typically bring in $18 million in cash a year – amount has trebled since 2010
Revolutionary tax: Investigators say about $2 million a year raised from ‘tax collection’ around Marseille
Extortion: Gunman convicted in 2023 of demanding $10,000 from Kurdish businessman in Stockholm
Drug trade: PKK income claimed by Turkish anti-drugs force in 2024 to be as high as $500 million a year
Denmark: PKK one of two terrorist groups along with Iranian separatists ASMLA to raise “two-digit million amounts”
Contributions: Hundreds of euros expected from typical Kurdish families and thousands from business owners
TV channel: Kurdish Roj TV accounts frozen and went bankrupt after Denmark fined it more than $1 million over PKK links in 2013