In New Zealand some things are taken very seriously and some are not. Sport is serious. Politics is not. Lifestyle is serious; religion less so. Considered among the most important, however, is the face this little country presents to the world. New Zealand's image abroad is the source of both national pride and collective handwringing. Visit the South Pacific nation and you will experience the "clean, green" land the tourism marketing geniuses have been promoting for the past two decades.
You may have been drawn by glossy images of tall, snowy peaks, or bush-clad lakes. It could have been the slogan "100 per cent pure" that encouraged you to enlarge your carbon footprint to yeti-esque proportions by flying halfway around the world. But that's just the kind of talk Kiwis don't want to hear. Tourism is big business in New Zealand and this brings out the best and worst in Kiwi hosts. New Zealanders take pride in national parks bulging with virgin native forest. They love the fact they can ski in the mountains in the morning and surf at beach breaks after lunch. And above all, they adore it when foreigners join them and, in doing so, contribute great big fists of cash to the GDP. Anything that threatens to kill, or a least disfigure, the golden goose is taken very seriously indeed.
The release of a new edition of any influential guidebook from Lonely Planet to Frommer's sparks a flurry of activity in civic offices and tourist bureaux, with disparaging observations quickly countered by indignant press statements. "We offer a lifestyle which is pretty relaxed in this part of the world - a lot of people who visit often return to live," one baffled publicity officer told a local paper, with not a hint of irony, after her town was critiqued. Of the same town, the Lonely Planet authors were a little more succinct. "Shabby," it said.
If a tourist becomes the victim of a crime or mishap, journalists the length of the land furiously scan the media abroad and breathlessly report on the outside looking in. Politicians release statements of condemnation and bemoan the impact on the nation's international reputation and tourism industry. "This is no way to treat visitors to our country," a local copper will lament. No wonder then, the locals get a little snippy when visitors exercise their right to free speech and, on occasion, have the gumption to criticise their experiences in a country that a certain type of local calls Godzone. Those who make a living out of pristine wilderness don't want to hear their guests say they saw nicer fjords/mountains/lakes in Norway/France/Borneo. New Zealanders hate comparisons with other countries. None more so than their perennial rival across the Tasman Sea, Australia.
Kiwis, or at least those who have chosen to stay in New Zealand rather than join their 400,000 compatriots actually living in Australia, prefer not be compared, or confused, with Australians. (Should you be tempted to make the same mistake, it is worth noting the distance between the two nations is similar to that between Abu Dhabi and Mogadishu). The outrage is further compounded if - as was the case this month - those who dare criticise are Australian themselves. Two Aussie bloggers have been attracting serious coverage in even earnest newspapers the length of the land for their critique of New Zealand. The blog, which until recently was probably followed only by the authors' mums, offers stinging observations on the nation - the largest city was described as "horrible and soulless", while a top tourism destination was summed up with: "it stinks".
Howls of outrage followed. Tourism promoters to university academics waded into the debate. The online critics were hardly heavyweight, nor was their wit particularly profound, but the heat they generated demonstrates just how seriously New Zealanders take these issues. Kiwis possess a collective aversion to confrontation in particular situations - particularly in the service industry. A polite New Zealander will not complain if their coffee is cold or their bed too hard. They will gulp down the cold brew and claim to have slept well. Visitors may wish to do the same, or find their double soy decaf latte just a little too hot on its return from the barista.
So while Kiwis value straight talking and "plainspeak" in their everyday lives, this conversational approach is best avoided when it comes to discussing the charms of the country. The reasons for this are twofold: pride and grubby old economics. Like the little engine that could, New Zealanders are proud that their country stands on the world stage and attracts people from across the globe (in the year to February 2.4 million foreigners visited the country which has a population of just four million). But a downturn in this lucrative business can have a catastrophic effect. A fall of just two per cent in visitor numbers for the year meant a whopping 60,000 fewer people came to New Zealand to spend their foreign cash. Pointy-headed economists said a fall in visitor numbers, and worse the length of time they stayed, had a direct bearing on an out-of-kilter balance of payments for the first quarter of the year - which is a boffin's way of saying, no tourists, no money.
When you visit New Zealand, therefore, enjoy the white silica sand beaches in the north of the North Island, bathe in pools of steaming hot mud and natural springs in the thermal resorts in the central North Island. Marvel at the South Island's soaring mountains and snow-fed lakes and relax in small cities where good coffee and culture is the norm. Enjoy it like there is no other. Or, at least say you do, because that's just what your hosts want to hear.
jnorris@thenational.ae