Opening doors for others. Saying thank you to shop workers – do you always remember these and other common courtesies?
More importantly, are you teaching this to your children? According to Dr Luba Falk Feigenberg, a developmental psychologist and the managing director of the Making Caring Common Project at Harvard University, these are simple ways that we can teach children to care about other people and their communities.
She recently spoke at a public parenting session on empathy organised by the Salama bint Hamdan Al Nahyan Foundation in Abu Dhabi.
“We find in our research that although parents say they’re teaching their children that empathy is important, actually, the children themselves say they feel the most important thing to their parents is their successes and achievements,” she says.
“Research shows that children who develop empathy build stronger and healthier relationships, which carry them through life. All in all, you end up with a happier and more peaceful society.”
Work to develop caring, loving relationships with your children
Children learn to care and respect others when that is the way they are treated, and when our children feel loved, they become attached to us, says Feigenberg.
“That attachment makes them more receptive to our values and teaching,” she says.
She recommends taking a genuine interest in children’s lives, talking about things that matter, and affirming their efforts and achievements. But Feigenberg, who has two children, ages five and eight, knows it is easy for parents to fall into the trap of simply asking kids ‘How was your day?’ as a conversation opener, prompting one-word answers.
“I have to be very intentional to incorporate questions about other people,” she says. “I try to ask instead how people in their class are getting along with each other.”
She recommends taking turns asking each other questions that bring out their thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
“‘Tell me something you did today that you are proud of’,” she recommends. “Or ‘what’s something nice that you did for someone today?’”
Be a strong moral role model and mentor
Children listen to our teaching when we practise what we preach.
“Pay close attention to whether you are practicing honesty, fairness and caring yourself, and modelling skills such as solving conflicts peacefully”, says Feigenberg.
Nobody is perfect all the time but, she says: “That’s why it’s important for us to model for children humility, self-awareness, and honesty by acknowledging our mistakes.”
Expand your child’s circle of concern
Most children empathise with their small circle of family and friends, says Feigenberg.
“Our challenge is help children learn to have empathy with someone outside of that circle, such as a new child in class, or someone in a distant country,” she says.
Feigenberg emphasises to parents the importance of children being able to focus, listen closely and attend to those in their immediate circle, but also to zoom out and take in the big picture.
“Especially in our global world, it’s important for children to develop concern for people in other cultures,” she says.
Provide opportunities for children to practice caring and gratitude
Studies show that people in the habit of expressing gratitude are more likely to be helpful, generous, compassionate and forgiving, as well as happier and healthier. That is why it is important for children to express appreciation for those who contribute to their lives, says Feigenberg
“Learning to be grateful and caring is, in certain respects, like learning to play a sport or an instrument,” she says.
“Daily repetition, whether it’s pitching in around the house, or routinely reflecting on what we appreciate about others, make caring and gratitude second nature.”
artslife@thenational.ae