There are three things in life I have particularly strong feelings about, and interestingly they all start with the letter B. They are, in ascending order of dislike: beaches, Brighton and barbecues.
When it comes to beaches, it’s the sand, pure and simple. It gets everywhere, I don’t like it. The UK city of Brighton I just don't quite get as a beloved destination despite it having a stony beach, which you’d think would be right in my wheelhouse.
Who doesn't love to eat while swatting away a fly every three to five seconds?
Then there are barbecues. We have history, barbecues and I. A troubled past. I’m talking Princes in the Tower levels of dark history.
It's a searing, soaring The Godfather-esque food epic encompassing undercooked chicken, plastic forks that break under a milligram of pressure, limp salads, having nowhere to put your drink, balancing plates on your knees … need I go on?
Who’s working the grill? Can they be trusted with a marinade?
For starters, I'm not a big meat-eater, which does not make me particularly enamoured of barbecues in the first place, given they are primarily for the enjoyment of meat. But when I do eat the stuff, it has to be well-cooked.
Yes, I’m the inspiration for all those recent tweets you’ve seen dragging people who have their steak well done. Which is something I can never get at a barbecue, because barbecues do not allow for food nuance. Everything is cooked one way: burnt on the outside, slightly underdone on the inside.
Then there's that whole sitting with your plate on your lap thing, knees bent slightly inwards, hunched forward in your chair as not to drip sauce down your white polo shirt. Why, at the merest hint of a barbecue, are tables immediately eschewed in favour of laps? What are we, savages?
And, of course, who doesn’t love to eat while swatting away a fly every three to five seconds?
It also perturbs me that the person stationed at the grill, even if they’ve never so much as looked in the direction of a pair of tongs in their life, inexplicably wields an unprecedented and terrifying amount of power over my dinner. Who is this person? Can they be trusted with a marinade? It’s like handing Goofy the nuclear codes and just hoping for the best.
Blame it on my upbringing
Do my petty barbecue prejudices have anything to do with the fact that I'm British? you may ask.
To which I must answer: 110 per cent, yes.
Barbecues are an outdoor activity and the British have an uncomfortable relationship with the outdoors in the way Australians, Koreans, South Africans and other barbecue-centric nations do not.
If Britain basked in sunshine for the majority of the year as opposed to slowly pickling in a chilly bath of drizzle and cloud cover, then our relationship with the outdoors would be far less fraught and the words, “You’d better take an umbrella just in case,” muttered far less frequently.
The Norwegians also have famously drizzly weather, but they have a lovely word for it: friluftsliv. Open-air living. Shorthand for pulling on some Elon Musk-engineered outerwear and getting ruddy of cheek atop a glacier.
But here’s the thing, the Norwegians do not consider themselves a barbecuing nation (as far as I can tell, please @ me, Norway), whereas for some unfathomable reason, Brits do.
Nothing is more British than popping to the local garage forecourt to pick up a disposable barbecue filled with a sneeze’s worth of charcoal dust that, when lit, will ineffectively toast a small slice of bread half-heartedly over the course of the next three hours.
Sausages will be piled on in gravity-defying pyramids, firelighters will be added by the tonne. A slightly torn beach umbrella will be erected over the unwitting chef as they weather the elements and shout to the others huddled in the kitchen doorway: “Maybe just a couple more hours."
I realise that what I'm describing here sounds like a barbecue scene from a British sitcom, and I'm sure you've all been to barbecues with silver service and a hot sauce fountain and Wagyu steaks grilled by chef Nobu himself. But I have only my barbecue memories from the wet island and, as such, will never change my mind about their lack of discernible fun.
Perhaps it is I who is the problem, and not the humble barbecue, who knows.
In my closing arguments, what I’m trying to say is that is that I’ve never eaten anything at a barbecue that wouldn’t have tasted better cooked in the oven.
'So, you don’t want to be invited to my next barbecue?', I hear you ask. Don’t be silly, of course I do. Just seat me at an actual table and start cooking my steak a couple of days beforehand.
Vaccine Progress in the Middle East
About Krews
Founder: Ahmed Al Qubaisi
Based: Abu Dhabi
Founded: January 2019
Number of employees: 10
Sector: Technology/Social media
Funding to date: Estimated $300,000 from Hub71 in-kind support
Libya's Gold
UN Panel of Experts found regime secretly sold a fifth of the country's gold reserves.
The panel’s 2017 report followed a trail to West Africa where large sums of cash and gold were hidden by Abdullah Al Senussi, Qaddafi’s former intelligence chief, in 2011.
Cases filled with cash that was said to amount to $560m in 100 dollar notes, that was kept by a group of Libyans in Ouagadougou, Burkina Faso.
A second stash was said to have been held in Accra, Ghana, inside boxes at the local offices of an international human rights organisation based in France.
Company%20profile
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RACE CARD
6.30pm Maiden (TB) Dh82.500 (Dirt) 1,400m
7.05pm Handicap (TB) Dh87,500 (D) 1,400m
7.40pm Handicap (TB) Dh92,500 (Turf) 2,410m
8.15pm Handicap (TB) Dh105,000 (D) 1,900m
8.50pm UAE 2000 Guineas Trial (TB) Conditions Dh183,650 (D) 1,600m
9.25pm Dubai Trophy (TB) Conditions Dh183,650 (T) 1,200m
10pm Handicap (TB) Dh102,500 (T) 1,400m
Race card
6.30pm: Handicap (TB) $68,000 (Dirt) 1,200m
7.05pm: Meydan Cup – Listed Handicap (TB) $88,000 (Turf) 2,810m
7.40pm: UAE 2000 Guineas – Group 3 (TB) $125,000 (D) 1,600m
8.15pm: Firebreak Stakes – Group 3 (TB) $130,000 (D) 1,600m
9.50pm: Meydan Classic – Conditions (TB) $$50,000 (T) 1,400m
9.25pm: Dubai Sprint – Listed Handicap (TB) $88,000 (T) 1,200m
Muguruza's singles career in stats
WTA titles 3
Prize money US$11,128,219 (Dh40,873,133.82)
Wins / losses 293 / 149
Factfile on Garbine Muguruza:
Name: Garbine Muguruza (ESP)
World ranking: 15 (will rise to 5 on Monday)
Date of birth: October 8, 1993
Place of birth: Caracas, Venezuela
Place of residence: Geneva, Switzerland
Height: 6ft (1.82m)
Career singles titles: 4
Grand Slam titles: 2 (French Open 2016, Wimbledon 2017)
Career prize money: $13,928,719
Royal Birkdale Golf Course
Location: Southport, Merseyside, England
Established: 1889
Type: Private
Total holes: 18
Indoor cricket in a nutshell
Indoor Cricket World Cup - Sep 16-20, Insportz, Dubai
16 Indoor cricket matches are 16 overs per side
8 There are eight players per team
9 There have been nine Indoor Cricket World Cups for men. Australia have won every one.
5 Five runs are deducted from the score when a wickets falls
4 Batsmen bat in pairs, facing four overs per partnership
Scoring In indoor cricket, runs are scored by way of both physical and bonus runs. Physical runs are scored by both batsmen completing a run from one crease to the other. Bonus runs are scored when the ball hits a net in different zones, but only when at least one physical run is score.
Zones
A Front net, behind the striker and wicketkeeper: 0 runs
B Side nets, between the striker and halfway down the pitch: 1 run
C Side nets between halfway and the bowlers end: 2 runs
D Back net: 4 runs on the bounce, 6 runs on the full
The biog
Name: Shamsa Hassan Safar
Nationality: Emirati
Education: Degree in emergency medical services at Higher Colleges of Technology
Favourite book: Between two hearts- Arabic novels
Favourite music: Mohammed Abdu and modern Arabic songs
Favourite way to spend time off: Family visits and spending time with friends
Results
5.30pm: Maiden (TB) Dh82,500 (Turf) 1,400m; Winner: Mcmanaman, Sam Hitchcock (jockey), Doug Watson (trainer)
6.05pm: Handicap (TB) Dh87,500 (T) 1,400m; Winner: Bawaasil, Sam Hitchcott, Doug Watson
6.40pm: Handicap (TB) Dh105,000 (Dirt) 1,400m; Winner: Bochart, Fabrice Veron, Satish Seemar
7.15pm: Handicap (TB) Dh105,000 (T) 1,200m; Winner: Mutaraffa, Antonio Fresu, Musabah Al Muhairi
7.50pm: Longines Stakes – Conditions (TB) Dh120,00 (D) 1,900m; Winner: Rare Ninja, Royston Ffrench, Salem bin Ghadayer
8.25pm: Zabeel Trophy – Rated Conditions (TB) Dh120,000 (T) 1,600m; Winner: Alfareeq, Antonio Fresu, Musabah Al Muhairi
9pm: Handicap (TB) Dh105,000 (T) 2,410m; Winner: Good Tidings, Antonio Fresu, Musabah Al Muhairi
9.35pm: Handicap (TB) Dh92,500 (T) 2,000m; Winner: Zorion, Abdul Aziz Al Balushi, Helal Al Alawi
When is VAR used?
• Goals
• Penalty decisions
• Direct red-card incidents
• Mistaken identity
Points tally
1. Australia 52; 2. New Zealand 44; 3. South Africa 36; 4. Sri Lanka 35; 5. UAE 27; 6. India 27; 7. England 26; 8. Singapore 8; 9. Malaysia 3
RUGBY CHAMPIONSHIP FIXTURES
September 30
South Africa v Australia
Argentina v New Zealand
October 7
South Africa v New Zealand
Argentina v Australia
8 traditional Jamaican dishes to try at Kingston 21
- Trench Town Rock: Jamaican-style curry goat served in a pastry basket with a carrot and potato garnish
- Rock Steady Jerk Chicken: chicken marinated for 24 hours and slow-cooked on the grill
- Mento Oxtail: flavoured oxtail stewed for five hours with herbs
- Ackee and salt fish: the national dish of Jamaica makes for a hearty breakfast
- Jamaican porridge: another breakfast favourite, can be made with peanut, cornmeal, banana and plantain
- Jamaican beef patty: a pastry with ground beef filling
- Hellshire Pon di Beach: Fresh fish with pickles
- Out of Many: traditional sweet potato pudding
First-round leaderbaord
-5 C Conners (Can)
-3 B Koepka (US), K Bradley (US), V Hovland (Nor), A Wise (US), S Horsfield (Eng), C Davis (Aus);
-2 C Morikawa (US), M Laird (Sco), C Tringale (US)
Selected others: -1 P Casey (Eng), R Fowler (US), T Hatton (Eng)
Level B DeChambeau (US), J Rose (Eng)
1 L Westwood (Eng), J Spieth (US)
3 R McIlroy (NI)
4 D Johnson (US)
