The great mark of a man, it is said, is whether you turn right or left as you board the plane.
Left means you’re in business class, and a pleasant few hours of diversion await you. On the Dubai-to-London flight, or vice versa, it also means some sleep.
If you turn right, on the other hand, you have seven hours of airline torture – cramped seats, screaming children and snoring.
I thought all this would be solved with the introduction of the new Airbus A380 to the Emirates fleet. The plane is the most technologically advanced in history, and boasts the height of luxury, in business class at least.
(I’ve never even been near first class. It seems like a desert mirage, something that appears enticing and near, but that you know is unattainable.)
But even on the A380, the rules do not apply if you turn right. Purely because the plane is so big – it can take some 530 people – the normal standards of service seem to be suspended.
You can understand why. Feeding, watering and keeping that many people happy is a daunting task in any circumstances. But at 38,000 feet in a thin tube of aluminium and plastic, it appears nearly impossible.
I sympathise with the cabin crew, I really do. Attending to the basic needs of a travelling mass of humanity while keeping that smile firmly attached to your face must be very difficult.
But there is one thing above all else that bothers me in economy class on the A380. Where are the little crunchy biscuits that used to be served?
On nearly every flight I’ve ever taken, before the advent of the A380, the thing you had to look forward to after take-off was a packet of savoury biscuits served with a drink. I found tomato juice went perfectly with them.
But the bikkie-and-virgin mary routine has been abandoned on the A380. I asked why recently.
“Most of our passengers just want to sleep,” said the beautiful Ilya (no, not her real name) in one of the 14 languages spoken by the cabin crew that night, with grimace firmly attached.
Well not me, Emirates. I want my bikkies. And a gag for that two-year old in the row in front.
***
It’s time for a quick rummage in the “deleted items” box. Which one of these gems deserves the occasional Frank Kane Award for Bad PR?
Is it: the company that “rises to become top three global TV brand”? Maybe.
Or how about: the new “head of sales, Middle East” discussing “the Construction and Infrastructure Industry’s future in the Middle East”? Definitely a contender.
Or what about: the chap “appointed as ... country manager for Qatar”. Nice.
These three have all the essential ingredients of useless PR email, including complete inappropriateness for the receiver, in other words, me. But the winner this time has been selected purely for its total inconsequence: the release for the company that has launched “three All-in-One photo printers with extensive cloud printing services”.
Well done. If you contact me, I will arrange for your prize to be delivered personally.
***
“Overheard in the Goldman Sachs elevator” gets better and better. Here’s my latest favourite via Twitter:
Executive number one: “Your place in history depends on what you do for others, not on what others do for you.”
Executive number two: “I want a place in East Hampton, not history.”
fkane@thenational.ae
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%3Cp%3EAverage%20amount%20of%20biofuel%20produced%20at%20DIC%20factory%20every%20month%3A%20%3Cstrong%3EApproximately%20106%2C000%20litres%3C%2Fstrong%3E%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3EAmount%20of%20biofuel%20produced%20from%201%20litre%20of%20used%20cooking%20oil%3A%20%3Cstrong%3E920ml%20(92%25)%3C%2Fstrong%3E%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3ETime%20required%20for%20one%20full%20cycle%20of%20production%20from%20used%20cooking%20oil%20to%20biofuel%3A%20%3Cstrong%3EOne%20day%3C%2Fstrong%3E%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3EEnergy%20requirements%20for%20one%20cycle%20of%20production%20from%201%2C000%20litres%20of%20used%20cooking%20oil%3A%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3E%E2%96%AA%20Electricity%20-%201.1904%20units%3Cbr%3E%E2%96%AA%20Water-%2031%20litres%3Cbr%3E%E2%96%AA%20Diesel%20%E2%80%93%2026.275%20litres%3C%2Fstrong%3E%3C%2Fp%3E%0A
UAE currency: the story behind the money in your pockets
The White Lotus: Season three
Creator: Mike White
Starring: Walton Goggins, Jason Isaacs, Natasha Rothwell
Rating: 4.5/5
Sarfira
Director: Sudha Kongara Prasad
Starring: Akshay Kumar, Radhika Madan, Paresh Rawal
Rating: 2/5
The%20Boy%20and%20the%20Heron
%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EDirector%3A%C2%A0%3C%2Fstrong%3EHayao%20Miyazaki%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EStarring%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%C2%A0Soma%20Santoki%2C%20Masaki%20Suda%2C%20Ko%20Shibasaki%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3ERating%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3E5%2F5%3C%2Fp%3E%0A
Women’s T20 World Cup Asia Qualifier
ICC Academy, November 22-28
UAE fixtures
Nov 22, v Malaysia
Nov 23, v Hong Kong
Nov 25, v Bhutan
Nov 26, v Kuwait
Nov 28, v Nepal
ICC T20I rankings
14. Nepal
17. UAE
25. Hong Kong
34. Kuwait
35. Malaysia
44. Bhutan
UAE squad
Chaya Mughal (captain), Natasha Cherriath, Samaira Dharnidharka, Kavisha Egodage, Mahika Gaur, Priyanjali Jain, Suraksha Kotte, Vaishnave Mahesh, Judit Peter, Esha Rohit, Theertha Satish, Chamani Seneviratne, Khushi Sharma, Subha Venkataraman
The rules on fostering in the UAE
A foster couple or family must:
- be Muslim, Emirati and be residing in the UAE
- not be younger than 25 years old
- not have been convicted of offences or crimes involving moral turpitude
- be free of infectious diseases or psychological and mental disorders
- have the ability to support its members and the foster child financially
- undertake to treat and raise the child in a proper manner and take care of his or her health and well-being
- A single, divorced or widowed Muslim Emirati female, residing in the UAE may apply to foster a child if she is at least 30 years old and able to support the child financially
COMPANY PROFILE
Name: Kumulus Water
Started: 2021
Founders: Iheb Triki and Mohamed Ali Abid
Based: Tunisia
Sector: Water technology
Number of staff: 22
Investment raised: $4 million
Real estate tokenisation project
Dubai launched the pilot phase of its real estate tokenisation project last month.
The initiative focuses on converting real estate assets into digital tokens recorded on blockchain technology and helps in streamlining the process of buying, selling and investing, the Dubai Land Department said.
Dubai’s real estate tokenisation market is projected to reach Dh60 billion ($16.33 billion) by 2033, representing 7 per cent of the emirate’s total property transactions, according to the DLD.
Specs
Engine: 51.5kW electric motor
Range: 400km
Power: 134bhp
Torque: 175Nm
Price: From Dh98,800
Available: Now
WHAT IS A BLACK HOLE?
1. Black holes are objects whose gravity is so strong not even light can escape their pull
2. They can be created when massive stars collapse under their own weight
3. Large black holes can also be formed when smaller ones collide and merge
4. The biggest black holes lurk at the centre of many galaxies, including our own
5. Astronomers believe that when the universe was very young, black holes affected how galaxies formed
In numbers: PKK’s money network in Europe
Germany: PKK collectors typically bring in $18 million in cash a year – amount has trebled since 2010
Revolutionary tax: Investigators say about $2 million a year raised from ‘tax collection’ around Marseille
Extortion: Gunman convicted in 2023 of demanding $10,000 from Kurdish businessman in Stockholm
Drug trade: PKK income claimed by Turkish anti-drugs force in 2024 to be as high as $500 million a year
Denmark: PKK one of two terrorist groups along with Iranian separatists ASMLA to raise “two-digit million amounts”
Contributions: Hundreds of euros expected from typical Kurdish families and thousands from business owners
TV channel: Kurdish Roj TV accounts frozen and went bankrupt after Denmark fined it more than $1 million over PKK links in 2013
A MINECRAFT MOVIE
Director: Jared Hess
Starring: Jack Black, Jennifer Coolidge, Jason Momoa
Rating: 3/5
Killing of Qassem Suleimani
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%3Cp%3E1.%20Protracted%20but%20less%20intense%20war%20(60%25%20likelihood)%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E2.%20Negotiated%20end%20to%20the%20conflict%20(30%25)%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E3.%20Russia%20seizes%20more%20territory%20(20%25)%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E4.%20Ukraine%20pushes%20Russia%20back%20(10%25)%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cem%3EForecast%20by%20Economist%20Intelligence%20Unit%3C%2Fem%3E%3C%2Fp%3E%0A
UPI facts
More than 2.2 million Indian tourists arrived in UAE in 2023
More than 3.5 million Indians reside in UAE
Indian tourists can make purchases in UAE using rupee accounts in India through QR-code-based UPI real-time payment systems
Indian residents in UAE can use their non-resident NRO and NRE accounts held in Indian banks linked to a UAE mobile number for UPI transactions
Election pledges on migration
CDU: "Now is the time to control the German borders and enforce strict border rejections"
SPD: "Border closures and blanket rejections at internal borders contradict the spirit of a common area of freedom"
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%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3ELamborghini%20LM002%3C%2Fstrong%3E%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EEngine%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%205.2-litre%20V12%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EPower%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20450hp%20at%206%2C800rpm%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3ETorque%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3E500Nm%20at%204%2C500rpm%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3ETransmission%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3EFive-speed%20manual%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3E0-100kph%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%209%20seconds%20(approx)%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3ETop%20speed%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20210kph%20(approx)%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EYears%20built%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%201986-93%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3ETotal%20vehicles%20built%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20328%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EValue%20today%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20%24300%2C000%2B%3Cbr%3E%3C%2Fp%3E%0A