Herr Nilsson has gone missing. Last week's readers will recall I used him, a stuffed monkey owned by my seven-year-old son, Leo, to help me build a portfolio of shares with a fictional £15,000 (Dh85,895). The thinking behind this was that a monkey would be as good as most fund managers I have ever met, and would charge a whole lot less. The proof has already paid dividends. With just one exception, every stock picked by Herr Nilsson is in positive territory. In fact, there are no losses. Shares in Sainsbury - no doubt the little monkey wants to ensure that he can always get his hands on some bananas - remains unchanged. All the others have leapt in value.
The two insurance companies, Admiral and Old Mutual, are up by 6 per cent and 11 per cent respectively. No doubt they are doing a fine job not reimbursing people for their losses. So much the better for greedy shareholders like me! Pearson, publisher of the pink paper and Penguin books, has surged by 11 per cent. Doubtless somebody, somewhere knows why this occurred. It always amazes me how stockmarket journalists always claim to know why the market moved. It is either "robust earnings give fillip" or "consumer confidence falls" or "non-farm payrolls", whatever they may be, that are responsible for the rise or fall of the exchanges.
I have always thought the reason is probably more basic than that. If prices fall, it is because lots of people are selling. If they rise, it is because many are buying. It is really that simple, but I guess a stockmarket reporter who wrote that on a daily basis would soon be out of a job, another "non-farm payroll" casualty. Rio Tinto was another good performer, up 11 per cent. It has probably the most romantic name of all the shares on the FTSE 100. The name comes from the Tinto River in Huelva, Spain. A consortium of investors bought a mine complex there in 1873 and the company has grown by leaps and bounds. It is now one of the world's leaders in mining and commodities, producing aluminium, iron ore, copper, uranium, coal and diamonds. Doubtless Herr Nilsson knew all this.
Standard Chartered has also strengthened by 9 per cent. This does not surprise me. Its management is top drawer, even if their top man in the UAE has a rather dodgy second serve. I had the pleasure of opposing him on the tennis court the other day. Despite his charming demeanour, he showed a certain ruthlessness in returning with great force directly at my female partner at the net. His cries of "sorry, terribly sorry" might have placated us, but hinted at a certain "win-at-all cost" streak that one must have as a banker in today's globalised world. The only thing holding him back from victory was that he had my wife as partner. While she looks very fetching in a pink tennis dress, her second service is even more sketchy than his.
Rolls-Royce has powered its way to a 2 per cent increase, with Royal Dutch Shell inching a 1 per cent gain. BP would have increased even more, but I do not regret selling them. The more I read about the company, the less I like it. I am pleased, however, that they got rid of Tony Hayward. He bears an uncanny resemblance to Tony Blair. In fact, both of them look like that actor Michael Sheen. If I were to continue with this investing lark, I would make it a rule never to invest in a company with a chief executive who looks like Michael Sheen. I have seen all his films and they always end badly.
Yes, you might regard Herr Nilsson as a small cuddly toy whose only function on earth is to cuddle up to my son in his pyjamas, but I think he will come to be regarded as one of the finest stock pickers of his generation. He is the George Soros of monkeys, a veritable inspiration to investors everywhere. The only stock apart from Sainsbury that did not go up is Reckitt Benckiser, my pick. Obviously it is embarrassing to be outperformed by a monkey, but the bigger problem is to find Herr Nilsson. He has either been stolen by a Russian mafia gang, a London hedge fund, or Leo has left him somewhere. He must be found.
rwright@thenational.ae Rupert Wright, an assistant business editor of The National, is our guest columnist while Jonathan Gornall is on leave.
MATCH INFO
AC Milan v Inter, Sunday, 6pm (UAE), match live on BeIN Sports
HOW%20TO%20ACTIVATE%20THE%20GEMINI%20SHORTCUT%20ON%20CHROME%20CANARY
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if you go
The flights
Etihad and Emirates fly direct from the UAE to Seoul from Dh3,775 return, including taxes
The package
Ski Safari offers a seven-night ski package to Korea, including five nights at the Dragon Valley Hotel in Yongpyong and two nights at Seoul CenterMark hotel, from £720 (Dh3,488) per person, including transfers, based on two travelling in January
The info
Visit www.gokorea.co.uk
Juliot Vinolia’s checklist for adopting alternate-day fasting
- Don’t do it more than once in three days
- Don’t go under 700 calories on fasting days
- Ensure there is sufficient water intake, as the body can go in dehydration mode
- Ensure there is enough roughage (fibre) in the food on fasting days as well
- Do not binge on processed or fatty foods on non-fasting days
- Complement fasting with plant-based foods, fruits, vegetables, seafood. Cut out processed meats and processed carbohydrates
- Manage your sleep
- People with existing gastric or mental health issues should avoid fasting
- Do not fast for prolonged periods without supervision by a qualified expert
'Laal Kaptaan'
Director: Navdeep Singh
Stars: Saif Ali Khan, Manav Vij, Deepak Dobriyal, Zoya Hussain
Rating: 2/5
Ms Yang's top tips for parents new to the UAE
- Join parent networks
- Look beyond school fees
- Keep an open mind
Key facilities
- Olympic-size swimming pool with a split bulkhead for multi-use configurations, including water polo and 50m/25m training lanes
- Premier League-standard football pitch
- 400m Olympic running track
- NBA-spec basketball court with auditorium
- 600-seat auditorium
- Spaces for historical and cultural exploration
- An elevated football field that doubles as a helipad
- Specialist robotics and science laboratories
- AR and VR-enabled learning centres
- Disruption Lab and Research Centre for developing entrepreneurial skills
About RuPay
A homegrown card payment scheme launched by the National Payments Corporation of India and backed by the Reserve Bank of India, the country’s central bank
RuPay process payments between banks and merchants for purchases made with credit or debit cards
It has grown rapidly in India and competes with global payment network firms like MasterCard and Visa.
In India, it can be used at ATMs, for online payments and variations of the card can be used to pay for bus, metro charges, road toll payments
The name blends two words rupee and payment
Some advantages of the network include lower processing fees and transaction costs
The biog
Name: Sari Al Zubaidi
Occupation: co-founder of Cafe di Rosati
Age: 42
Marital status: single
Favourite drink: drip coffee V60
Favourite destination: Bali, Indonesia
Favourite book: 100 Years of Solitude
F1 The Movie
Starring: Brad Pitt, Damson Idris, Kerry Condon, Javier Bardem
Director: Joseph Kosinski
Rating: 4/5
Specs
Engine: 51.5kW electric motor
Range: 400km
Power: 134bhp
Torque: 175Nm
Price: From Dh98,800
Available: Now
Living in...
This article is part of a guide on where to live in the UAE. Our reporters will profile some of the country’s most desirable districts, provide an estimate of rental prices and introduce you to some of the residents who call each area home.
What can victims do?
Always use only regulated platforms
Stop all transactions and communication on suspicion
Save all evidence (screenshots, chat logs, transaction IDs)
Report to local authorities
Warn others to prevent further harm
Courtesy: Crystal Intelligence
Benefits of first-time home buyers' scheme
- Priority access to new homes from participating developers
- Discounts on sales price of off-plan units
- Flexible payment plans from developers
- Mortgages with better interest rates, faster approval times and reduced fees
- DLD registration fee can be paid through banks or credit cards at zero interest rates
The bio
Favourite book: Peter Rabbit. I used to read it to my three children and still read it myself. If I am feeling down it brings back good memories.
Best thing about your job: Getting to help people. My mum always told me never to pass up an opportunity to do a good deed.
Best part of life in the UAE: The weather. The constant sunshine is amazing and there is always something to do, you have so many options when it comes to how to spend your day.
Favourite holiday destination: Malaysia. I went there for my honeymoon and ended up volunteering to teach local children for a few hours each day. It is such a special place and I plan to retire there one day.
Roll of honour 2019-2020
Dubai Rugby Sevens
Winners: Dubai Hurricanes
Runners up: Bahrain
West Asia Premiership
Winners: Bahrain
Runners up: UAE Premiership
UAE Premiership
}Winners: Dubai Exiles
Runners up: Dubai Hurricanes
UAE Division One
Winners: Abu Dhabi Saracens
Runners up: Dubai Hurricanes II
UAE Division Two
Winners: Barrelhouse
Runners up: RAK Rugby
COMPANY%20PROFILE
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The biog
Favourite car: Ferrari
Likes the colour: Black
Best movie: Avatar
Academic qualifications: Bachelor’s degree in media production from the Higher Colleges of Technology and diploma in production from the New York Film Academy
What is the FNC?
The Federal National Council is one of five federal authorities established by the UAE constitution. It held its first session on December 2, 1972, a year to the day after Federation.
It has 40 members, eight of whom are women. The members represent the UAE population through each of the emirates. Abu Dhabi and Dubai have eight members each, Sharjah and Ras al Khaimah six, and Ajman, Fujairah and Umm Al Quwain have four.
They bring Emirati issues to the council for debate and put those concerns to ministers summoned for questioning.
The FNC’s main functions include passing, amending or rejecting federal draft laws, discussing international treaties and agreements, and offering recommendations on general subjects raised during sessions.
Federal draft laws must first pass through the FNC for recommendations when members can amend the laws to suit the needs of citizens. The draft laws are then forwarded to the Cabinet for consideration and approval.
Since 2006, half of the members have been elected by UAE citizens to serve four-year terms and the other half are appointed by the Ruler’s Courts of the seven emirates.
In the 2015 elections, 78 of the 252 candidates were women. Women also represented 48 per cent of all voters and 67 per cent of the voters were under the age of 40.
