It’s a crisp, sunny morning and you’re standing near the finish line of a big-city marathon. You’re here to support a friend who’s trained for months, maybe years, for this. The energy is electric as spectators cheer and clap. The first elite runners cross the line in what seems like no time at all. It’s impressive, no doubt. But it’s not the most interesting part of the day.
As the hours go on, hundreds – thousands – of others come through. Some grin. Some cry. Some raise their arms in quiet triumph. And the thing is, they all look like winners.
You notice something. These people aren’t racing each other. Some are trying to beat their personal bests. Others just want to finish. A few are ticking it off a bucket list. One guy's running in fancy dress. And it hits you: not everyone is running the same race.
Life’s a bit like that. Everyone’s running, but we’re all in it for different reasons. Some want to win. Some want balance. Some just want to enjoy the ride.
As a keen cyclist, I’ve learnt this the hard way – especially during long rides when I realise I'm comparing my pace to someone who’s training for an entirely different event. We're not even aiming for the same thing.
And yet, we often fall into the trap of living like we should be chasing someone else's finish line.
Whose game are you playing?
A lot of people – especially smart, successful ones – haven’t taken the time to figure out what really matters to them. It’s not that they don’t care. They’re just busy. Busy in the grind of their careers, raising families, managing responsibilities. And when things do quiet down, they’re often too exhausted to step back and reflect.
So, they keep going. Doing what’s expected. Measuring success by someone else’s yardstick. Financially, that might mean chasing more income, a bigger house, or a flashier car – not because they want those things, but because it’s what others seem to value.
But when you live according to someone else’s values, things feel off. You might look successful on paper, but you still feel restless, anxious or like you're missing something.
What do you value?
There are a few useful ways to explore this. One approach is to look at what you admire or aspire to. But another – often more revealing – method is to consider what annoys or upsets you. The things that frustrate or bother us usually point to values being ignored or violated.
For example, if you get particularly irritated by people who are always late or disorganised, there’s a good chance you value reliability or respect for others’ time. If you find yourself frustrated in environments where no one listens, perhaps communication or feeling heard is something you deeply value.
You can use this method to spark your thinking. Make a shortlist of things that regularly frustrate you – both in professional and personal settings. Then, consider what value might sit underneath each of those frustrations. Often, the opposite of what bothers you will highlight something that really matters to you.
Once you’ve explored that, here’s a practical next step. Write down a broad list of values, words like:
- Family
- Freedom
- Status
- Adventure
- Security
- Generosity
Write down anything that feels like it might matter to you. Once you’ve got a list – 15 to 20 is plenty – write each one on a separate sticky note. Now sort them into three piles.
Pile one: Your most important values, the ones that genuinely matter to you and that you want your life to reflect
Pile two: Values that are not important to you, things that hold little or no meaning in how you live or make decisions
Pile three: Values you feel neutral about or uncertain of, these might seem nice in theory, but they don’t strongly resonate with you personally
Once you've done that, take pile one and narrow it down further. Aim to pick your top five. Now you have your personal non-negotiables. Your core values. The principles that should ideally guide how you spend your time, make decisions and use your money.
This process isn’t about getting it perfect. It’s about bringing more self-awareness to the table. You’re creating a lens you can use to make better decisions, not just with your money, but with your time, energy and focus, too.
Align your money with your life
When your money choices reflect your values, life starts to feel more intentional. You stop chasing things you don’t care about. You spend less time comparing yourself to others. And you gain confidence in the decisions you make – because they’re rooted in what you want, not what someone else expects.
You might realise that some areas of your life are spot on, while others need a rethink. That’s fine. You’re not behind. You’re just getting clearer.
Win your own race
There’s no universal scoreboard. No right answer. No medal at the end for living someone else’s version of success.
So, figure out what matters to you. Get clear on the game you want to play. And then make decisions – from the big financial ones to the small daily ones – that help you stay on track.
You don’t have to run faster. You just have to run in the right direction.
