When it comes to money and relationships, we’re all a bit like Goldilocks — this ex spent too much, this ex was too cheap. It can be a long, difficult search for someone who is just right.
Even in a long-term relationship, you can be unpleasantly surprised by someone you thought you knew well.
Carla Manly, a clinical psychologist in Santa Rosa, California, witnessed her former husband get served with a collection notice for a debt she didn’t know about. He tried to explain it away, saying he forgot to tell her about the issue and it wasn’t a big deal.
“My gut instinct said: ‘No, there’s more to this story’,” Ms Manly says, adding that she eventually divorced him.
A lot of life decisions that couples make together have money at their core, so you need to know whether your partner’s personal choices will cause problems for you both.
Money red flags don’t have to be relationship-enders. In fact, they can be an opportunity to emerge stronger than ever, provided you’re both willing to be honest and do the work to get your relationship to a better place.
Here’s what doing the work entails.
Figure yourself out
Maybe you break up with someone the moment they admit to having money-related skeletons in the closet. Maybe you stick it out, even when your partner exhibits serious lapses in judgment.
Everyone’s boundaries are influenced by past experiences. It’s worth examining your boundaries’ origins because they may not be serving you well.
Are you punishing a new partner because of the actions of an ex? Do you set unrealistic expectations to make up for your spendthrift parent? In cases like these, you’re reacting to other people’s values instead of living according to your own.
Without that foundation of honesty and transparency, you knowing you, you communicating that to the other person, you’ll have nowhere to go
Carla Manly,
a clinical psychologist
By setting your own values, you can bring your true self into a relationship — instead of a pile of baggage.
“Without that foundation of honesty and transparency, you knowing you, you communicating that to the other person, you’ll have nowhere to go,” Ms Manly says. “Your relationship won’t grow.”
Exercise those money talk muscles
When you can both speak honestly without the fear of judgment, you can tackle issues as a team and emerge with a stronger bond.
Start small by sharing a financial decision you made for yourself. When you’re together longer, you can discuss and jointly make lower-stakes money choices as practice for the more serious stuff.
If something makes you uncomfortable, mention it so you can talk about why that might be the case.
And remember, even if your partner has money habits you don’t agree with, don’t treat them like a rebellious teenager. If you scold them, they’re going to become secretive about their spending.
“Everything should be able to be worked through if there is mutual respect and love for one another,” says Tiffany Welka, a financial adviser in Michigan.
“If you have those things in your relationship, realistically, hard things are going to come up, and you have to learn to overcome them together.”
Don’t ignore warning signs
Here are some signs you may be in a potentially unhealthy situation:
Your partner won’t talk about money: “One of the biggest things that I’ve found is that if someone is unwilling to discuss their finances with you, that’s a really big red flag,” Ms Welka says. “It means that they’re hiding a part of their life and they want to keep it separate from the relationship.”
Your partner has an overly positive attitude: Positivity can be a bad thing when it’s a defence mechanism used to avoid dealing with serious issues like overdue bills.
“The reality is that we all have good and bad things happen to us in our financial life,” says Ed Coambs, a financial therapist near Charlotte, North Carolina.
In Mr Coambs’ view, when you can reflect on your money choices and acknowledge both what you’re proud of and what you’re ashamed of, it’s a sign of financial maturity.
You see signs of dishonesty: Sometimes this behaviour can be caused by deep negative emotions about money that go back to childhood.
But your partner can hurt you financially by withholding information, taking money out of joint accounts without your knowledge and secretly getting into debt.
Your partner exhibits controlling or abusive behaviour: Your partner may deny you access to money, forbid you from working, hide money in secret accounts or steal your identity.
They refuse to resolve issues: It’s not promising when your partner won’t work with you to problem solve. Consider it a sign that your time together may have run its course.
“That’s a difficult place to get to,” Mr Coambs says. “But sometimes it’s necessary.”
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August 1-5: First Test, Edgbaston
August 14-18: Second Test, Lord's
August 22-26: Third Test, Headingley
September 4-8: Fourth Test, Old Trafford
September 12-16: Fifth Test, Oval
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Starring: Janhvi Kapoor, Ishaan Khattar, Ashutosh Rana
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Vaccine Progress in the Middle East
Key findings of Jenkins report
- Founder of the Muslim Brotherhood, Hassan al Banna, "accepted the political utility of violence"
- Views of key Muslim Brotherhood ideologue, Sayyid Qutb, have “consistently been understood” as permitting “the use of extreme violence in the pursuit of the perfect Islamic society” and “never been institutionally disowned” by the movement.
- Muslim Brotherhood at all levels has repeatedly defended Hamas attacks against Israel, including the use of suicide bombers and the killing of civilians.
- Laying out the report in the House of Commons, David Cameron told MPs: "The main findings of the review support the conclusion that membership of, association with, or influence by the Muslim Brotherhood should be considered as a possible indicator of extremism."
Thanksgiving meals to try
World Cut Steakhouse, Habtoor Palace Hotel, Dubai. On Thursday evening, head chef Diego Solis will be serving a high-end sounding four-course meal that features chestnut veloute with smoked duck breast, turkey roulade accompanied by winter vegetables and foie gras and pecan pie, cranberry compote and popcorn ice cream.
Jones the Grocer, various locations across the UAE. Jones’s take-home holiday menu delivers on the favourites: whole roast turkeys, an array of accompaniments (duck fat roast potatoes, sausages wrapped in beef bacon, honey-glazed parsnips and carrots) and more, as well as festive food platters, canapes and both apple and pumpkin pies.
Ruth’s Chris Steakhouse, The Address Hotel, Dubai. This New Orleans-style restaurant is keen to take the stress out of entertaining, so until December 25 you can order a full seasonal meal from its Takeaway Turkey Feast menu, which features turkey, homemade gravy and a selection of sides – think green beans with almond flakes, roasted Brussels sprouts, sweet potato casserole and bread stuffing – to pick up and eat at home.
The Mattar Farm Kitchen, Dubai. From now until Christmas, Hattem Mattar and his team will be producing game- changing smoked turkeys that you can enjoy at home over the festive period.
Nolu’s, The Galleria Mall, Maryah Island Abu Dhabi. With much of the menu focused on a California inspired “farm to table” approach (with Afghani influence), it only seems right that Nolu’s will be serving their take on the Thanksgiving spread, with a brunch at the Downtown location from 12pm to 4pm on Friday.
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What the law says
Micro-retirement is not a recognised concept or employment status under Federal Decree Law No. 33 of 2021 on the Regulation of Labour Relations (as amended) (UAE Labour Law). As such, it reflects a voluntary work-life balance practice, rather than a recognised legal employment category, according to Dilini Loku, senior associate for law firm Gateley Middle East.
“Some companies may offer formal sabbatical policies or career break programmes; however, beyond such arrangements, there is no automatic right or statutory entitlement to extended breaks,” she explains.
“Any leave taken beyond statutory entitlements, such as annual leave, is typically regarded as unpaid leave in accordance with Article 33 of the UAE Labour Law. While employees may legally take unpaid leave, such requests are subject to the employer’s discretion and require approval.”
If an employee resigns to pursue micro-retirement, the employment contract is terminated, and the employer is under no legal obligation to rehire the employee in the future unless specific contractual agreements are in place (such as return-to-work arrangements), which are generally uncommon, Ms Loku adds.
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Estijaba – 8001717 – number to call to request coronavirus testing
Ministry of Health and Prevention – 80011111
Dubai Health Authority – 800342 – The number to book a free video or voice consultation with a doctor or connect to a local health centre
Emirates airline – 600555555
Etihad Airways – 600555666
Ambulance – 998
Knowledge and Human Development Authority – 8005432 ext. 4 for Covid-19 queries
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Name: Tratok Portal
Founded: 2017
Based: UAE
Sector: Travel & tourism
Size: 36 employees
Funding: Privately funded
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UAE currency: the story behind the money in your pockets
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Abu Dhabi Sustainability Week
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- Engine: 3.9-litre twin-turbo V8
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Europa League final
Who: Marseille v Atletico Madrid
Where: Parc OL, Lyon, France
When: Wednesday, 10.45pm kick off (UAE)
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