Manar Al Hinai: Don’t let passive-aggressive behaviour flourish in the workplace

When the words “aggressive co-worker” are mentioned, what do you imagine? You probably think of a colleague who is always shouting, argumentative and anxious.

Now let us go back and remember the last time we agreed with a manager’s approach towards tackling an issue, and contradicted it the minute he walked out the door. When was the last time we got upset with something a colleague said but did not raise the issue with him/her? And when was the last time we delayed completing a project even though we were given enough time to finish it just because we did not think it was great?

Believe it or not, that sort of attitude and reaction is also aggressive, but labelled as passive-aggressiveness. It is a disconnection between what you say and how you feel and what you actually do.

Now that you know about it, perhaps a couple of colleagues’ names spring to mind. You might know someone who never confronts an irritating colleague to discuss a behaviour that bothers them, instead complaining to others.

While it is always easy to recognise those that are either aggressive or passive-aggressive, recognising our own passive-aggressive actions at work can be difficult.

A senior manager friend of mine wanted her team members to appraise her approach at work. She circulated a feedback form that guaranteed anonymity and was eager to find out what her team members thought of her. The feedback she received made her fit the passive-aggressive criteria.

One form she received read: “While I really love working with my manager, I don’t like how she agrees with what a fellow manager says, and then disregards it the minute he walks out of the door and does what she thinks is best. That makes me wonder if she does that with us as well.”

My friend admitted there were some elements of truth to what her team member had said, but she did not want to believe her behaviour could be regarded as passive-aggressive.

The thing about being passive-aggressive is that with time, your team members or fellow workers could recognise this style of behaviour and that could cause mistrust from their end. In my friend’s case, her team members may find her less credible and end up not believing what she says about their work.

Just like any other quality such as laziness, being passive-aggressive will not aid a person in their career. But like any bad habit, altering this behaviour is possible, although you need to acknowledge it in yourself.

The first step is to recognise which situations compel you to become passive-aggressive. Knowing this will not only help you become more conscious about the way you respond to an action, but also help you find other ways to react when that circumstance comes up.

The second step is to dig down to the source and find out the cause behind this behaviour. Is it a fear of failure? Is it a fear or rejection? Perhaps you do not like to talk to colleagues about their actions that bother you because you do not want to be perceived as unfriendly. Or perhaps you do not like to object to their approach to a situation because you are afraid they might reject your idea or find it silly. It is very important to understand the root of the issue so that you can tackle a similar situation ahead of time.

The third step is to keep in mind that conflicts at work are normal. It does not necessarily need to end in a quarrel and does not mean that once you confront a co-worker or disagree with a manager’s way of doing things that your relationship is wrecked.

Last but not least, with any change you undertake it is good to get some feedback. Changing a behaviour is difficult, and getting regular input and support would ease the process. It would be good to confide in someone about your situation, and keep them posted on the changes you are undertaking. Every now and then, ask them how you are doing, and how you could improve yourself further.

Getting rid of passive-aggressiveness is about aligning your thoughts and how you feel with the action you take. Not only will that make you seem credible in your work environment, but you will feel more confident and at ease.

Manar Al Hinai is an award-winning Emirati writer based in Abu Dhabi. Follow her on Twitter: @manar_alhinai

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