There was a time when you could call a spade a spade. These days, it seems, you can call it a "spaide" or a "scpeyd" or, maybe (if you are more than a little crazy), "pspaied".
Is it just me or are there other people out there who are also severely tempted to knock the living daylights out of the surprisingly fast-growing number of people stylising their names excessively? I mean those of the moronic moniker persuasion who introduce themselves as Caiyed Phaesel and Ephra Schahh.
Aliah instead of Alia is understandable, I think. Schehzad for Shehzad is about as far as I can go without suppressing a gag reflex. Cyrah for Saira starts to wind me up - and I reach terminal velocity with Phaesel.
Please tell me what is so repulsive about "Syed Faisal" that one must rebrand oneself "Caiyed Phaesel"?
Because to me, Caiyed Phaesel sounds an awful lot like a Meyjurr Attenshun Seakurrr.
My favourites are the names that don't give much room for creative manipulation, so people end up interjecting multiples of the same letters. Picture an Aliii. Or an Anaaa. I've even seen some cases of three sets of double letters - Monica becomes Monniicca or Moniiccaa. I have been told that a lot of people do this on the advice of a numerologist who promises that the extra letter will bring, well, extra luck.
These people clearly need a psychiatrist, not a numerologist. To be a child whose parents decided that this is how your name will be spelt for the rest of your life (and thereby sealing your fate for a lifetime of bullying in the school playground) is tragic, cruel and almost bordering on child abuse.
But to be a mature adult with all your faculties about you, and to decide to spell your name like this? That testifies to something more serious, a more deep-seated demon at work.
It would be interesting to find out what the mechanics behind such a name-change are. Maybe one suddenly gets up one morning and goes, "I know what I'll do today! I'll change the spelling of my name to something that will automatically announce to everyone what a superior cretin I am!"
Because, honestly, what else can possibly make you decide to change your name to "Ephra"? (It clearly would serve better as the name for some vile, pink concoction sold over the counter to people with digestive problems.)
I normally spell my name as Ujala Ali Khan but you may have noticed that today I have adopted Oujalleh Aleiy Khannne. I admit that I am rather excited by the various potential benefits of the new stylised spelling.
For one, I am pretty sure I will never, ever get a cold call from a tele-sales agent ever again. I can almost picture some unsuspecting man sitting at his desk in a dreary backstreet office, looking at his Excel sheet and wondering which unsuspecting individual to talk into taking out a loan or credit card. He scrolls down the page and his mouse hovers over my name for a few seconds. Oujalleh Aleiy Khannne. I bet the guy would sprain his brain trying to figure out how to pronounce that monstrosity. I can see him hastily scroll on, looking for a Mohammed Ahmed or Sadia Rahman.
I can also be assured that the relevant usernames will always be available on Facebook, Twitter and all the other social media platforms. There is another Ujala Ali Khan (actually there are two, much to my disappointment: one from Lahore and the other from Peshawar) but cyberspace is devoid of anyone named Oujalleh Aleiy Khannne.
It doesn't take a genius to figure out why.
The writer is an honest-to-goodness desi fan living in Dubai
The specs
Engine: Dual 180kW and 300kW front and rear motors
Power: 480kW
Torque: 850Nm
Transmission: Single-speed automatic
Price: From Dh359,900 ($98,000)
On sale: Now
THE BIO
Mr Al Qassimi is 37 and lives in Dubai
He is a keen drummer and loves gardening
His favourite way to unwind is spending time with his two children and cooking
Other ways to buy used products in the UAE
UAE insurance firm Al Wathba National Insurance Company (AWNIC) last year launched an e-commerce website with a facility enabling users to buy car wrecks.
Bidders and potential buyers register on the online salvage car auction portal to view vehicles, review condition reports, or arrange physical surveys, and then start bidding for motors they plan to restore or harvest for parts.
Physical salvage car auctions are a common method for insurers around the world to move on heavily damaged vehicles, but AWNIC is one of the few UAE insurers to offer such services online.
For cars and less sizeable items such as bicycles and furniture, Dubizzle is arguably the best-known marketplace for pre-loved.
Founded in 2005, in recent years it has been joined by a plethora of Facebook community pages for shifting used goods, including Abu Dhabi Marketplace, Flea Market UAE and Arabian Ranches Souq Market while sites such as The Luxury Closet and Riot deal largely in second-hand fashion.
At the high-end of the pre-used spectrum, resellers such as Timepiece360.ae, WatchBox Middle East and Watches Market Dubai deal in authenticated second-hand luxury timepieces from brands such as Rolex, Hublot and Tag Heuer, with a warranty.
If you go...
Flying
There is no simple way to get to Punta Arenas from the UAE, with flights from Dubai and Abu Dhabi requiring at least two connections to reach this part of Patagonia. Flights start from about Dh6,250.
Touring
Chile Nativo offers the amended Los Dientes trek with expert guides and porters who are met in Puerto Williams on Isla Navarino. The trip starts and ends in Punta Arenas and lasts for six days in total. Prices start from Dh8,795.
NO OTHER LAND
Director: Basel Adra, Yuval Abraham, Rachel Szor, Hamdan Ballal
Stars: Basel Adra, Yuval Abraham
Rating: 3.5/5
SPECS
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The Bio
Favourite vegetable: “I really like the taste of the beetroot, the potatoes and the eggplant we are producing.”
Holiday destination: “I like Paris very much, it’s a city very close to my heart.”
Book: “Das Kapital, by Karl Marx. I am not a communist, but there are a lot of lessons for the capitalist system, if you let it get out of control, and humanity.”
Musician: “I like very much Fairuz, the Lebanese singer, and the other is Umm Kulthum. Fairuz is for listening to in the morning, Umm Kulthum for the night.”
WHAT IS A BLACK HOLE?
1. Black holes are objects whose gravity is so strong not even light can escape their pull
2. They can be created when massive stars collapse under their own weight
3. Large black holes can also be formed when smaller ones collide and merge
4. The biggest black holes lurk at the centre of many galaxies, including our own
5. Astronomers believe that when the universe was very young, black holes affected how galaxies formed
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The specs
Engine: 2x201bhp AC Permanent-magnetic electric
Transmission: n/a
Power: 402bhp
Torque: 659Nm
Price estimate: Dh200,000
On sale: Q3 2022
A MINECRAFT MOVIE
Director: Jared Hess
Starring: Jack Black, Jennifer Coolidge, Jason Momoa
Rating: 3/5
Dr Afridi's warning signs of digital addiction
Spending an excessive amount of time on the phone.
Neglecting personal, social, or academic responsibilities.
Losing interest in other activities or hobbies that were once enjoyed.
Having withdrawal symptoms like feeling anxious, restless, or upset when the technology is not available.
Experiencing sleep disturbances or changes in sleep patterns.
What are the guidelines?
Under 18 months: Avoid screen time altogether, except for video chatting with family.
Aged 18-24 months: If screens are introduced, it should be high-quality content watched with a caregiver to help the child understand what they are seeing.
Aged 2-5 years: Limit to one-hour per day of high-quality programming, with co-viewing whenever possible.
Aged 6-12 years: Set consistent limits on screen time to ensure it does not interfere with sleep, physical activity, or social interactions.
Teenagers: Encourage a balanced approach – screens should not replace sleep, exercise, or face-to-face socialisation.
Source: American Paediatric Association
The specs
AT4 Ultimate, as tested
Engine: 6.2-litre V8
Power: 420hp
Torque: 623Nm
Transmission: 10-speed automatic
Price: From Dh330,800 (Elevation: Dh236,400; AT4: Dh286,800; Denali: Dh345,800)
On sale: Now
How to protect yourself when air quality drops
Install an air filter in your home.
Close your windows and turn on the AC.
Shower or bath after being outside.
Wear a face mask.
Stay indoors when conditions are particularly poor.
If driving, turn your engine off when stationary.
THE BIO
Age: 33
Favourite quote: “If you’re going through hell, keep going” Winston Churchill
Favourite breed of dog: All of them. I can’t possibly pick a favourite.
Favourite place in the UAE: The Stray Dogs Centre in Umm Al Quwain. It sounds predictable, but it honestly is my favourite place to spend time. Surrounded by hundreds of dogs that love you - what could possibly be better than that?
Favourite colour: All the colours that dogs come in
What can you do?
Document everything immediately; including dates, times, locations and witnesses
Seek professional advice from a legal expert
You can report an incident to HR or an immediate supervisor
You can use the Ministry of Human Resources and Emiratisation’s dedicated hotline
In criminal cases, you can contact the police for additional support