Guess how many times I have thought that I'd gone into labour during the past week? Eleven. And the number of visits I've made to the hospital claiming I was in labour during the past week? Two. What about the number of times I've actually been in labour? Er, zero. I'm mortified. When is it going to come out? I've had quite enough now, thank you very much. I'm virtually housebound and when I do manage to leave home I have to hold my bump for fear I'll either topple over or it will fall off. I think it is better for all concerned if I spend my final days of pregnancy left in a small room with just a bed, TV and fridge. Oh, and a takeaway menu. And a bell so I can summon my husband when he's required to airlift me off to hospital.
I suppose it's not actually that surprising that my spoiled baby wants to spend a little bit more time in the comfort of it's own luxurious surroundings. It must be like being cocooned in a five-star hotel in there. Admittedly, the conditions may be rather cramped, but hey, look at the size of many of the "cosy" boutique hotel rooms. My little one is warm, constantly cuddled and rocked, and more importantly gets to dine in the world's best restaurant. For free. Being in my tum must be like having a Friday brunch buffet 24/7. I can just imagine the reviews. "Open seven days a week, is the new 'in' restaurant, The Womb Room. Take your pick from an array of calorific delicacies. The dessert selection outshines any other eaterie in town." I'm having the luckiest baby of all time. Somehow I don't think it will come out unless forced against it's will. Would you swap that culinary lifestyle for a bottle of milk? Not likely.
At least my infant is getting in plenty of eating practice before it is born. According to the feeding sections of my baby books, there are quite a few similarities between me and a newborn. One book describes them as little eating machines. Another says that they eat two to three times the amount of calories as an obese person in the first months of their lives. Yes, just like Mum.
In a desperate attempt to coax my offspring out of its comfort zone, I've been researching natural ways to bring on labour. The suggested remedies, I've discovered, range from common sense ideas to the downright ridiculous. According to one of the leading pregnancy websites, babycentre.co.uk, driving a car down a bumpy road is meant to "help shake things up a little" or even more bizarre, some women said "wearing your best knickers has been known to kick start labour". Blowing up balloons is another suggestion, as it is supposed to build up abdominal pressure and get things moving. There are also certain foods that once consumed are alleged to stimulate the uterus. A well known one is curry, but slightly more unusual is fresh pineapple, which contains an enzyme that is said to soften the cervix. What a load of rubbish. You would have to be out of your mind or completely desperate to believe that tosh.
Anyway, must dash. A delivery man has just arrived with my prawn vindaloo, the oven timer has gone off as my pineapple upside down cake is ready and I've got four more balloons to blow up before I get to eat it all. Labour ward, here I come.
NO OTHER LAND
Director: Basel Adra, Yuval Abraham, Rachel Szor, Hamdan Ballal
Stars: Basel Adra, Yuval Abraham
Rating: 3.5/5
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UAE currency: the story behind the money in your pockets
THE SPECS
Engine: 1.5-litre, four-cylinder turbo
Transmission: seven-speed dual clutch automatic
Power: 169bhp
Torque: 250Nm
Price: Dh54,500
On sale: now
At a glance
Global events: Much of the UK’s economic woes were blamed on “increased global uncertainty”, which can be interpreted as the economic impact of the Ukraine war and the uncertainty over Donald Trump’s tariffs.
Growth forecasts: Cut for 2025 from 2 per cent to 1 per cent. The OBR watchdog also estimated inflation will average 3.2 per cent this year
Welfare: Universal credit health element cut by 50 per cent and frozen for new claimants, building on cuts to the disability and incapacity bill set out earlier this month
Spending cuts: Overall day-to day-spending across government cut by £6.1bn in 2029-30
Tax evasion: Steps to crack down on tax evasion to raise “£6.5bn per year” for the public purse
Defence: New high-tech weaponry, upgrading HM Naval Base in Portsmouth
Housing: Housebuilding to reach its highest in 40 years, with planning reforms helping generate an extra £3.4bn for public finances
The rules on fostering in the UAE
A foster couple or family must:
- be Muslim, Emirati and be residing in the UAE
- not be younger than 25 years old
- not have been convicted of offences or crimes involving moral turpitude
- be free of infectious diseases or psychological and mental disorders
- have the ability to support its members and the foster child financially
- undertake to treat and raise the child in a proper manner and take care of his or her health and well-being
- A single, divorced or widowed Muslim Emirati female, residing in the UAE may apply to foster a child if she is at least 30 years old and able to support the child financially
When is VAR used?
• Goals
• Penalty decisions
• Direct red-card incidents
• Mistaken identity
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In numbers: PKK’s money network in Europe
Germany: PKK collectors typically bring in $18 million in cash a year – amount has trebled since 2010
Revolutionary tax: Investigators say about $2 million a year raised from ‘tax collection’ around Marseille
Extortion: Gunman convicted in 2023 of demanding $10,000 from Kurdish businessman in Stockholm
Drug trade: PKK income claimed by Turkish anti-drugs force in 2024 to be as high as $500 million a year
Denmark: PKK one of two terrorist groups along with Iranian separatists ASMLA to raise “two-digit million amounts”
Contributions: Hundreds of euros expected from typical Kurdish families and thousands from business owners
TV channel: Kurdish Roj TV accounts frozen and went bankrupt after Denmark fined it more than $1 million over PKK links in 2013
What are NFTs?
Are non-fungible tokens a currency, asset, or a licensing instrument? Arnab Das, global market strategist EMEA at Invesco, says they are mix of all of three.
You can buy, hold and use NFTs just like US dollars and Bitcoins. “They can appreciate in value and even produce cash flows.”
However, while money is fungible, NFTs are not. “One Bitcoin, dollar, euro or dirham is largely indistinguishable from the next. Nothing ties a dollar bill to a particular owner, for example. Nor does it tie you to to any goods, services or assets you bought with that currency. In contrast, NFTs confer specific ownership,” Mr Das says.
This makes NFTs closer to a piece of intellectual property such as a work of art or licence, as you can claim royalties or profit by exchanging it at a higher value later, Mr Das says. “They could provide a sustainable income stream.”
This income will depend on future demand and use, which makes NFTs difficult to value. “However, there is a credible use case for many forms of intellectual property, notably art, songs, videos,” Mr Das says.
More from Neighbourhood Watch:
The Outsider
Stephen King, Penguin
Diriyah%20project%20at%20a%20glance
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The National's picks
4.35pm: Tilal Al Khalediah
5.10pm: Continous
5.45pm: Raging Torrent
6.20pm: West Acre
7pm: Flood Zone
7.40pm: Straight No Chaser
8.15pm: Romantic Warrior
8.50pm: Calandogan
9.30pm: Forever Young
The years Ramadan fell in May
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