Journalists get used to hearing slighting jokes about how "those that can, do; those that can't, write about it". When I got the chance to be in Gurinder Chadha's new movie, It's a Wonderful Afterlife, it was too good an opportunity to pass up - a moment to prove my acting chops.
I've been a friend of the director since I interviewed her for a piece about her 2004 film Bride and Prejudice in an Indian restaurant in London. She's immediately likeable, with a bubbly personality and a great sense of humour.
The story of my big-screen debut began at a party to celebrate the inauguration of the US president Barack Obama, where I cheekily asked if I could have a part in her new film, completely expecting her to laugh off the suggestion. To my surprise, she said yes.
Little did I know that she was harbouring a plan to make fun of five of her friends in a speed dating scene in which they try and disastrously fail to impress the leading lady, played by Goldy Notay.
Notay is the latest in the line of British acting "discoveries" made by Chadha; it's a list that includes Keira Knightley and Aaron Johnson.
In the film, Notay plays a podgy girl who keeps getting rejected by the families of potential suitors. The Indian acting veteran Shabana Azmi plays her matchmaking mother, who decides to kill anyone who rejects her daughter's hand. Her weapon of choice: Indian food.
If it sounds over the top, it's because it is. Chadha, who also directed Bend it Like Beckham was after a madcap flavour. "I set out to make an Ealing comedy," Chadha says, "so despite the arranged marriage plot line it's a very British comedy in that respect."
The romantic lead is played by Sendhil Ramamurthy. The Heroes star plays a detective who is brought in to investigate the murders taking place in Southall, West London. In the speed dating scene that I had a part in, he makes his first romantic move.
The film is something of a departure for Chadha in that it's a relationship comedy that downplays cultural differences. It's something she says is reflective of her experience. "I now feel I'm at a point where my Indian and British identities are not mutually exclusive; they are fused to the point where I don't know if something is too Indian or too British. For example, there was a time when if I put in an Indian reference I'd feel like I'd have to put a reference in for a non-Indian audience too, so you are constantly going back and forth."
The process of being in a film was simultaneously more arduous than I imagined it would be, and far more mundane. I may have got the role easily and in a flippant manner, but I was soon left under no illusions that this was anything other than a serious business.
A few weeks after suggesting I become a cast member, I received a call from Nina Gold Casting, who confirmed that a part was to be offered to me. They also told me that I would be paid £500 (Dh2,830) for my services, which took me so completely by surprise that I forgot to ask what part I was being offered.
The excitement continued to ramp up as I went for a costume fitting. I was like a kid in a candy store when I walked into the costume warehouse. The costume designer, Jill Taylor, let me know that I was to be an accountant type and - much to my surprise - cross-eyed. Being at a costume fitting felt like being Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman except that the clothes I was putting on were bad suits rather than high-end designer gear. Still, it was nice to be mollycoddled. I began to think that I could get used to this acting lark.
The day of the shoot, however, was a different story. The car arrived to take me to the set at 6am. We were filming at Ealing Town Hall in London, and even at the early hour there was a bustle of activity as the crew geared up for the day ahead. I grabbed some breakfast from the canteen and went to get changed. My costumier was waiting for me like clockwork.
I was called for make-up, which sounds exciting but, sadly, involved little more than a quick brush of my hair and some foundation on my face. Then, for the next two hours, I sat in the changing room with nothing to do. There wasn't much in the way of glamour.
On set, there was an army of extras playing speed daters, and I was impressed by how much effort was being put into lighting the town hall. Then Chadha arrived. She was surprisingly relaxed on set and the next two hours were spent listening to her bark out orders about where we should and should not be.
Then the moment of truth arrived. I was called to do my one shot in front of the camera. It was at this moment that the director discovered that I couldn't cross my eyes. Thinking quickly on her feet, she asked me to read one of the other lines. Being difficult, I said that I didn't like the line that was written in the script. (It's not every day that one can behave like Sean Penn.) Thankfully, Chadha agreed, but told me I would have to improvise.
I found myself nervously sitting in front of the camera with an enormous lens pointing at me. The rest is a blur but Chadha later told me: "These days, people who go speed dating are not nervous but are quite with it. I think what was great was the line you did - which was, if I remember, 'My mum irons all my shirts. Do you like ironing?' - is not exactly something you'd say to endear a girl, which is why it's really funny. However, the combination of your suit and your tie and your hair and your nervousness took all the irony out of the line and it felt like you were being very serious. It didn't come over as funny, just real."
I tried to tell her it was like Robert De Niro, but to no avail. My line was cut from the final film. But Chadha was quick to point out that this was because the gag became a visual musical montage and it would have taken too long to set up the joke.
At the world premier of It's a Wonderful Afterlife in Sundance, Chadha said that she would be putting my scenes on the DVD edition of the film as part of the outtakes.
Well, Kevin Costner got cut completely from The Big Chill and that didn't do his career any harm?
More on Quran memorisation:
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COMPANY%20PROFILE
%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EName%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20SupplyVan%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EBased%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Dubai%2C%20UAE%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3ELaunch%20year%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%202017%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3ENumber%20of%20employees%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%2029%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3ESector%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20MRO%20and%20e-commerce%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EFunding%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Seed%3C%2Fp%3E%0A
The smuggler
Eldarir had arrived at JFK in January 2020 with three suitcases, containing goods he valued at $300, when he was directed to a search area.
Officers found 41 gold artefacts among the bags, including amulets from a funerary set which prepared the deceased for the afterlife.
Also found was a cartouche of a Ptolemaic king on a relief that was originally part of a royal building or temple.
The largest single group of items found in Eldarir’s cases were 400 shabtis, or figurines.
Khouli conviction
Khouli smuggled items into the US by making false declarations to customs about the country of origin and value of the items.
According to Immigration and Customs Enforcement, he provided “false provenances which stated that [two] Egyptian antiquities were part of a collection assembled by Khouli's father in Israel in the 1960s” when in fact “Khouli acquired the Egyptian antiquities from other dealers”.
He was sentenced to one year of probation, six months of home confinement and 200 hours of community service in 2012 after admitting buying and smuggling Egyptian antiquities, including coffins, funerary boats and limestone figures.
For sale
A number of other items said to come from the collection of Ezeldeen Taha Eldarir are currently or recently for sale.
Their provenance is described in near identical terms as the British Museum shabti: bought from Salahaddin Sirmali, "authenticated and appraised" by Hossen Rashed, then imported to the US in 1948.
- An Egyptian Mummy mask dating from 700BC-30BC, is on offer for £11,807 ($15,275) online by a seller in Mexico
- A coffin lid dating back to 664BC-332BC was offered for sale by a Colorado-based art dealer, with a starting price of $65,000
- A shabti that was on sale through a Chicago-based coin dealer, dating from 1567BC-1085BC, is up for $1,950
Company%20profile
%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3ECompany%20name%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Fasset%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EStarted%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3E2019%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EFounders%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Mohammad%20Raafi%20Hossain%2C%20Daniel%20Ahmed%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EBased%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Dubai%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3ESector%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3EFinTech%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EInitial%20investment%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20%242.45%20million%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3ECurrent%20number%20of%20staff%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%2086%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EInvestment%20stage%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Pre-series%20B%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EInvestors%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Investcorp%2C%20Liberty%20City%20Ventures%2C%20Fatima%20Gobi%20Ventures%2C%20Primal%20Capital%2C%20Wealthwell%20Ventures%2C%20FHS%20Capital%2C%20VN2%20Capital%2C%20local%20family%20offices%3C%2Fp%3E%0A
COMPANY PROFILE
Name: Kumulus Water
Started: 2021
Founders: Iheb Triki and Mohamed Ali Abid
Based: Tunisia
Sector: Water technology
Number of staff: 22
Investment raised: $4 million
COMPANY%20PROFILE
%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3ECompany%20name%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Revibe%20%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EStarted%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%202022%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EFounders%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Hamza%20Iraqui%20and%20Abdessamad%20Ben%20Zakour%20%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EBased%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20UAE%20%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EIndustry%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Refurbished%20electronics%20%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EFunds%20raised%20so%20far%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20%2410m%20%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EInvestors%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3EFlat6Labs%2C%20Resonance%20and%20various%20others%0D%3C%2Fp%3E%0A
A MINECRAFT MOVIE
Director: Jared Hess
Starring: Jack Black, Jennifer Coolidge, Jason Momoa
Rating: 3/5
Specs
Engine: Duel electric motors
Power: 659hp
Torque: 1075Nm
On sale: Available for pre-order now
Price: On request
MATCH INFO
Argentina 47 (Tries: Sanchez, Tuculet (2), Mallia (2), De La Fuente, Bertranou; Cons: Sanchez 5, Urdapilleta)
United States 17 (Tries: Scully (2), Lasike; Cons: MacGinty)
UAE currency: the story behind the money in your pockets
Specs
Engine: Electric motor generating 54.2kWh (Cooper SE and Aceman SE), 64.6kW (Countryman All4 SE)
Power: 218hp (Cooper and Aceman), 313hp (Countryman)
Torque: 330Nm (Cooper and Aceman), 494Nm (Countryman)
On sale: Now
Price: From Dh158,000 (Cooper), Dh168,000 (Aceman), Dh190,000 (Countryman)
Gender pay parity on track in the UAE
The UAE has a good record on gender pay parity, according to Mercer's Total Remuneration Study.
"In some of the lower levels of jobs women tend to be paid more than men, primarily because men are employed in blue collar jobs and women tend to be employed in white collar jobs which pay better," said Ted Raffoul, career products leader, Mena at Mercer. "I am yet to see a company in the UAE – particularly when you are looking at a blue chip multinationals or some of the bigger local companies – that actively discriminates when it comes to gender on pay."
Mr Raffoul said most gender issues are actually due to the cultural class, as the population is dominated by Asian and Arab cultures where men are generally expected to work and earn whereas women are meant to start a family.
"For that reason, we see a different gender gap. There are less women in senior roles because women tend to focus less on this but that’s not due to any companies having a policy penalising women for any reasons – it’s a cultural thing," he said.
As a result, Mr Raffoul said many companies in the UAE are coming up with benefit package programmes to help working mothers and the career development of women in general.
2025 Fifa Club World Cup groups
Group A: Palmeiras, Porto, Al Ahly, Inter Miami.
Group B: Paris Saint-Germain, Atletico Madrid, Botafogo, Seattle.
Group C: Bayern Munich, Auckland City, Boca Juniors, Benfica.
Group D: Flamengo, ES Tunis, Chelsea, (Leon banned).
Group E: River Plate, Urawa, Monterrey, Inter Milan.
Group F: Fluminense, Borussia Dortmund, Ulsan, Mamelodi Sundowns.
Group G: Manchester City, Wydad, Al Ain, Juventus.
Group H: Real Madrid, Al Hilal, Pachuca, Salzburg.
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Favourite book: ‘The Art of Learning’ by Josh Waitzkin
Favourite film: Marvel movies
Favourite parkour spot in Dubai: Residence towers in Jumeirah Beach Residence
Key facilities
- Olympic-size swimming pool with a split bulkhead for multi-use configurations, including water polo and 50m/25m training lanes
- Premier League-standard football pitch
- 400m Olympic running track
- NBA-spec basketball court with auditorium
- 600-seat auditorium
- Spaces for historical and cultural exploration
- An elevated football field that doubles as a helipad
- Specialist robotics and science laboratories
- AR and VR-enabled learning centres
- Disruption Lab and Research Centre for developing entrepreneurial skills
Specs
Engine: 51.5kW electric motor
Range: 400km
Power: 134bhp
Torque: 175Nm
Price: From Dh98,800
Available: Now
THE SPECS
Engine: 6.75-litre twin-turbocharged V12 petrol engine
Power: 420kW
Torque: 780Nm
Transmission: 8-speed automatic
Price: From Dh1,350,000
On sale: Available for preorder now
A timeline of the Historical Dictionary of the Arabic Language
- 2018: Formal work begins
- November 2021: First 17 volumes launched
- November 2022: Additional 19 volumes released
- October 2023: Another 31 volumes released
- November 2024: All 127 volumes completed
Fixtures (6pm UAE unless stated)
Saturday Bournemouth v Leicester City, Chelsea v Manchester City (8.30pm), Huddersfield v Tottenham Hotspur (3.30pm), Manchester United v Crystal Palace, Stoke City v Southampton, West Bromwich Albion v Watford, West Ham United v Swansea City
Sunday Arsenal v Brighton (3pm), Everton v Burnley (5.15pm), Newcastle United v Liverpool (6.30pm)
The rules on fostering in the UAE
A foster couple or family must:
- be Muslim, Emirati and be residing in the UAE
- not be younger than 25 years old
- not have been convicted of offences or crimes involving moral turpitude
- be free of infectious diseases or psychological and mental disorders
- have the ability to support its members and the foster child financially
- undertake to treat and raise the child in a proper manner and take care of his or her health and well-being
- A single, divorced or widowed Muslim Emirati female, residing in the UAE may apply to foster a child if she is at least 30 years old and able to support the child financially
More coverage from the Future Forum
Mercer, the investment consulting arm of US services company Marsh & McLennan, expects its wealth division to at least double its assets under management (AUM) in the Middle East as wealth in the region continues to grow despite economic headwinds, a company official said.
Mercer Wealth, which globally has $160 billion in AUM, plans to boost its AUM in the region to $2-$3bn in the next 2-3 years from the present $1bn, said Yasir AbuShaban, a Dubai-based principal with Mercer Wealth.
“Within the next two to three years, we are looking at reaching $2 to $3 billion as a conservative estimate and we do see an opportunity to do so,” said Mr AbuShaban.
Mercer does not directly make investments, but allocates clients’ money they have discretion to, to professional asset managers. They also provide advice to clients.
“We have buying power. We can negotiate on their (client’s) behalf with asset managers to provide them lower fees than they otherwise would have to get on their own,” he added.
Mercer Wealth’s clients include sovereign wealth funds, family offices, and insurance companies among others.
From its office in Dubai, Mercer also looks after Africa, India and Turkey, where they also see opportunity for growth.
Wealth creation in Middle East and Africa (MEA) grew 8.5 per cent to $8.1 trillion last year from $7.5tn in 2015, higher than last year’s global average of 6 per cent and the second-highest growth in a region after Asia-Pacific which grew 9.9 per cent, according to consultancy Boston Consulting Group (BCG). In the region, where wealth grew just 1.9 per cent in 2015 compared with 2014, a pickup in oil prices has helped in wealth generation.
BCG is forecasting MEA wealth will rise to $12tn by 2021, growing at an annual average of 8 per cent.
Drivers of wealth generation in the region will be split evenly between new wealth creation and growth of performance of existing assets, according to BCG.
Another general trend in the region is clients’ looking for a comprehensive approach to investing, according to Mr AbuShaban.
“Institutional investors or some of the families are seeing a slowdown in the available capital they have to invest and in that sense they are looking at optimizing the way they manage their portfolios and making sure they are not investing haphazardly and different parts of their investment are working together,” said Mr AbuShaban.
Some clients also have a higher appetite for risk, given the low interest-rate environment that does not provide enough yield for some institutional investors. These clients are keen to invest in illiquid assets, such as private equity and infrastructure.
“What we have seen is a desire for higher returns in what has been a low-return environment specifically in various fixed income or bonds,” he said.
“In this environment, we have seen a de facto increase in the risk that clients are taking in things like illiquid investments, private equity investments, infrastructure and private debt, those kind of investments were higher illiquidity results in incrementally higher returns.”
The Abu Dhabi Investment Authority, one of the largest sovereign wealth funds, said in its 2016 report that has gradually increased its exposure in direct private equity and private credit transactions, mainly in Asian markets and especially in China and India. The authority’s private equity department focused on structured equities owing to “their defensive characteristics.”
more from Janine di Giovanni
The specs
Engine: 4.0-litre flat-six
Torque: 450Nm at 6,100rpm
Transmission: 7-speed PDK auto or 6-speed manual
Fuel economy, combined: 13.8L/100km
On sale: Available to order now
The%20specs%3A%202024%20Mercedes%20E200
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The specs: 2019 Haval H6
Price, base: Dh69,900
Engine: 2.0-litre turbocharged four-cylinder
Transmission: Seven-speed automatic
Power: 197hp @ 5,500rpm
Torque: 315Nm @ 2,000rpm
Fuel economy, combined: 7.0L / 100km
The Beach Bum
Director: Harmony Korine
Stars: Matthew McConaughey, Isla Fisher, Snoop Dogg
Two stars
