Machete
Director: Robert Rodriguez
Starring: Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba, Robert De Niro
His name is Machete (Trejo). He's a quiet Mexican super-cop with a penchant for killer blades. He hates corruption. He fights crime. He wears leather. And the ladies find him irresistible. Sounds like great material for a short, sharp parody of 1970s exploitation cinema - which it was, back in 2007, when it popped up as a fake trailer attached to Robert Rodriguez's ultimately unsuccessful zombie parody Planet Terror. But here, expanded into an alarmingly humourless 105-minute feature dirge that's again directed by Rodriguez, Machete fails in almost every conceivable way as a piece of film entertainment. For a start, it's utterly clueless about what it wants to be. It begins with brio, with crumpled film stock and shuddering frames, revealing a tight, camp backstory about the execution of Machete's wife, and his blood feud with the über-criminal, Torrez (Steven Seagal). All this is done in deadpan, with tongues properly in cheeks, and an arch sense of the utter idiocy of unfolding events - performances are broad, lines are chewed and comedy gore spews aplenty. Within minutes, however, the narrative proper erupts, and it's all change. The weathered stock vanishes, as does the ramshackle formal style. And the film instead becomes strangely worthy and visually bland as it details the story of illegal immigration across the Mexican border, of a bigoted Texan politician called Senator McLaughlin (De Niro), and of a naïve American agent, Sartana (Alba), who tries to figure out McLaughlin's connection to the local paramilitary Von Jackson (Don Johnson) and why all narrative roads eventually lead back to Machete and the dreaded Torrez. In this, Rodriguez makes regular but seemingly lethargic nods to the exploitation era. And yet, while trying to have his conceptual cake and eat it too, he also seems more concerned with the movie's weightier themes, and duly lumbers his co-star Michelle Rodriguez (playing Luz, a friend to the immigrants) with a hideously literal speech which culminates with the lines: "The way we see it, people risked everything to get here, but the system here doesn't work. It's broken!" It doesn't help that in Trejo himself Rodriguez has found a leading man with less charisma than a burst piñata. With his tiny stocky legs, cheese-grater face and catatonic line-delivery, the claims made on behalf of Machete's babe-magnet status (including a cringeworthy scene with Lindsay Lohan) seem less like comedy and more like creeping misogyny. Ultimately, Rodriguez should have turned to the recent Black Dynamite for a lesson in 1970s exploitation parody. For that film, written by and starring Michael Jai White, had a deliciously deft touch, and affectionately revived the era without ever once drifting towards subtext or self-importance. Machete, on the other hand, is likely to be remembered as the final misfire in the grindhouse experiment that began four years ago and should never, perhaps, have left the drawing board.
Specs
Engine: Dual-motor all-wheel-drive electric
Range: Up to 610km
Power: 905hp
Torque: 985Nm
Price: From Dh439,000
Available: Now
The specs
Engine: Four electric motors, one at each wheel
Power: 579hp
Torque: 859Nm
Transmission: Single-speed automatic
Price: From Dh825,900
On sale: Now
How to become a Boglehead
Bogleheads follow simple investing philosophies to build their wealth and live better lives. Just follow these steps.
• Spend less than you earn and save the rest. You can do this by earning more, or being frugal. Better still, do both.
• Invest early, invest often. It takes time to grow your wealth on the stock market. The sooner you begin, the better.
• Choose the right level of risk. Don't gamble by investing in get-rich-quick schemes or high-risk plays. Don't play it too safe, either, by leaving long-term savings in cash.
• Diversify. Do not keep all your eggs in one basket. Spread your money between different companies, sectors, markets and asset classes such as bonds and property.
• Keep charges low. The biggest drag on investment performance is all the charges you pay to advisers and active fund managers.
• Keep it simple. Complexity is your enemy. You can build a balanced, diversified portfolio with just a handful of ETFs.
• Forget timing the market. Nobody knows where share prices will go next, so don't try to second-guess them.
• Stick with it. Do not sell up in a market crash. Use the opportunity to invest more at the lower price.
The White Lotus: Season three
Creator: Mike White
Starring: Walton Goggins, Jason Isaacs, Natasha Rothwell
Rating: 4.5/5
The specs
A4 35 TFSI
Engine: 2.0-litre, four-cylinder
Transmission: seven-speed S-tronic automatic
Power: 150bhp
Torque: 270Nm
Price: Dh150,000 (estimate)
On sale: First Q 2020
A4 S4 TDI
Engine: 3.0-litre V6 turbo diesel
Transmission: eight-speed PDK automatic
Power: 350bhp
Torque: 700Nm
Price: Dh165,000 (estimate)
On sale: First Q 2020
Killing of Qassem Suleimani
Skewed figures
In the village of Mevagissey in southwest England the housing stock has doubled in the last century while the number of residents is half the historic high. The village's Neighbourhood Development Plan states that 26% of homes are holiday retreats. Prices are high, averaging around £300,000, £50,000 more than the Cornish average of £250,000. The local average wage is £15,458.
'The Lost Daughter'
Director: Maggie Gyllenhaal
Starring: Olivia Colman, Jessie Buckley, Dakota Johnson
Rating: 4/5
Real estate tokenisation project
Dubai launched the pilot phase of its real estate tokenisation project last month.
The initiative focuses on converting real estate assets into digital tokens recorded on blockchain technology and helps in streamlining the process of buying, selling and investing, the Dubai Land Department said.
Dubai’s real estate tokenisation market is projected to reach Dh60 billion ($16.33 billion) by 2033, representing 7 per cent of the emirate’s total property transactions, according to the DLD.
Test
Director: S Sashikanth
Cast: Nayanthara, Siddharth, Meera Jasmine, R Madhavan
Star rating: 2/5
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A MINECRAFT MOVIE
Director: Jared Hess
Starring: Jack Black, Jennifer Coolidge, Jason Momoa
Rating: 3/5
Dubai Bling season three
Cast: Loujain Adada, Zeina Khoury, Farhana Bodi, Ebraheem Al Samadi, Mona Kattan, and couples Safa & Fahad Siddiqui and DJ Bliss & Danya Mohammed
Rating: 1/5
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