One of the most tedious tasks of the proofreader is poring over pages upon pages of "what's on" listings. But the job is always brightened somewhat by the tribute band section. You can imagine By Jovi as a posh Bon Jovi act dressed in smoking jackets. Nearvana is an almost poignant moniker: a band destined never to taste the success of Kurt Cobain's rock trio.
Recently, there's been a brand new slot in those much-maligned listings: the tribute comedian. No, these aren't wannabe stand-ups fixated on performing in the style of their raconteur hero Bill Hicks, much as Oasis might idolise The Beatles. These are jokesters with not many jokes of their own, going out on the road and pretending to be much more famous comedians. For money.
The most famous example is the Peter Kay tribute, Lee Lard. Instead of shelling out £35 (Dh208) to see the creator of Phoenix Nights and Max & Paddy from the back of a giant arena, you can, instead, pay £10 to see someone pretend to be him in a hotel function room near you. Lard does the garlic bread catchphrase, he dresses up as Brian Potter from Phoenix Nights and you get a bowl of curry and rice thrown in, too.
So why would you not want to see the real thing? Everyone, of course, would. But when the real thing is often so prohibitively expensive, no wonder many are opting for credit-crunch comedy.
Lard has made a career out of telling someone else's jokes. And in a way, it's not surprising. There is a huge appetite for stand-up comedy in the UK: the truly big-name comedians planning arena tours sell those venues out immediately. The punchline? A whopping 2.26 million comedy DVDs were sold in the UK alone in 2009, not including the month before Christmas.
That's a 38 per cent rise on 2008, and, really, one man is responsible: Michael McIntyre. This is a comic who has said: "I don't really do jokes. I just talk about things that I find funny. I don't do gags, just observational comedy. I just collect all these stories and try them out and if people laugh I do them again and make them better." And yet he can boast the fastest-selling debut comedy DVD of all time. His latest, Hello Wembley, accounts for a staggering 90 per cent of that 2009 rise in sales.
Having watched Hello Wembley over Christmas, I can report that it is indeed sharp, memorable, observational comedy. It's true that he doesn't do punchlines, instead slowly building genuinely funny stories everyone can relate to. He adds in lashings of energy and physical humour. Crucially, he makes himself so likeable that you want to laugh. Surely it won't be long before McIntyre has a tribute of his own.
The evening after we'd laughed with McIntyre (and that's his real success - it doesn't feel like he's telling you jokes, just pointing out the inherent humour in life), it was time for Jason Manford to step into our living room. Manford also finds himself in the upper echelons of the comedy DVD charts, but there's a reason why McIntyre is top by some distance. Manford has also, for reasons of geography (they're both from the north-west of England), been compared to Peter Kay, but he is more like a less energetic, less polished McIntyre. Indeed, some of the jokes are worryingly similar, particularly when they're both talking about men's toilets or burglars in the house.
Of course, there are only so many observations on relatively well-off family life you can make - and they have to be obvious so the audience recognises them and laughs. And the key to the huge success of observational comics such as McIntyre and Manford is certainly the family. You don't need to be alert with the remote control in case Granny is offended. It's generally safe, conservative comedy - stand-up for people who don't like the potential confrontation of going to see stand-up live.
If all this is about knowing what we like and liking what we know, no wonder there's money to be made from tribute comedians. It's why, with a Google search, you could hire Billy Connolly, Lee Evans or Borat to be the star attraction at your function. Well, you'd actually book Gary Moir, Ian Jones or Stuart Morrison, but you get the idea.
And you can really say you've made it as a comedian or a band when you have a tribute act, which means that, despite the DVD sales, the television programmes and the sold-out signs, McIntyre is still missing that vital last ingredient for genuine crossover success: someone making money by pretending to be him, and telling his jokes. Bizarre, isn't it?
Notable cricketers and political careers
- India: Kirti Azad, Navjot Sidhu and Gautam Gambhir (rumoured)
- Pakistan: Imran Khan and Shahid Afridi (rumoured)
- Sri Lanka: Arjuna Ranatunga, Sanath Jayasuriya, Tillakaratne Dilshan (rumoured)
- Bangladesh (Mashrafe Mortaza)
Two-step truce
The UN-brokered ceasefire deal for Hodeidah will be implemented in two stages, with the first to be completed before the New Year begins, according to the Arab Coalition supporting the Yemeni government.
By midnight on December 31, the Houthi rebels will have to withdraw from the ports of Hodeidah, Ras Issa and Al Saqef, coalition officials told The National.
The second stage will be the complete withdrawal of all pro-government forces and rebels from Hodeidah city, to be completed by midnight on January 7.
The process is to be overseen by a Redeployment Co-ordination Committee (RCC) comprising UN monitors and representatives of the government and the rebels.
The agreement also calls the deployment of UN-supervised neutral forces in the city and the establishment of humanitarian corridors to ensure distribution of aid across the country.
Third Test
Day 3, stumps
India 443-7 (d) & 54-5 (27 ov)
Australia 151
India lead by 346 runs with 5 wickets remaining
Six tips to secure your smart home
Most smart home devices are controlled via the owner's smartphone. Therefore, if you are using public wi-fi on your phone, always use a VPN (virtual private network) that offers strong security features and anonymises your internet connection.
Keep your smart home devices’ software up-to-date. Device makers often send regular updates - follow them without fail as they could provide protection from a new security risk.
Use two-factor authentication so that in addition to a password, your identity is authenticated by a second sign-in step like a code sent to your mobile number.
Set up a separate guest network for acquaintances and visitors to ensure the privacy of your IoT devices’ network.
Change the default privacy and security settings of your IoT devices to take extra steps to secure yourself and your home.
Always give your router a unique name, replacing the one generated by the manufacturer, to ensure a hacker cannot ascertain its make or model number.
BIO
Favourite holiday destination: Turkey - because the government look after animals so well there.
Favourite film: I love scary movies. I have so many favourites but The Ring stands out.
Favourite book: The Lord of the Rings. I didn’t like the movies but I loved the books.
Favourite colour: Black.
Favourite music: Hard rock. I actually also perform as a rock DJ in Dubai.
Israel Palestine on Swedish TV 1958-1989
Director: Goran Hugo Olsson
Rating: 5/5
MATCH INFO
Sheffield United 3
Fleck 19, Mousset 52, McBurnie 90
Manchester United 3
Williams 72, Greenwood 77, Rashford 79
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Defence review at a glance
• Increase defence spending to 2.5% of GDP by 2027 but given “turbulent times it may be necessary to go faster”
• Prioritise a shift towards working with AI and autonomous systems
• Invest in the resilience of military space systems.
• Number of active reserves should be increased by 20%
• More F-35 fighter jets required in the next decade
• New “hybrid Navy” with AUKUS submarines and autonomous vessels
Sri Lanka World Cup squad
Dimuth Karunaratne (c), Lasith Malinga, Angelo Mathews, Thisara Perera, Kusal Perera, Dhananjaya de Silva, Kusal Mendis, Isuru Udana, Milinda Siriwardana, Avishka Fernando, Jeevan Mendis, Lahiru Thirimanne, Jeffrey Vandersay, Nuwan Pradeep, Suranga Lakmal.
Scoreline:
Everton 4
Richarlison 13'), Sigurdsson 28', Digne 56', Walcott 64'
Manchester United 0
Man of the match: Gylfi Sigurdsson (Everton)
What should do investors do now?
What does the S&P 500's new all-time high mean for the average investor?
Should I be euphoric?
No. It's fine to be pleased about hearty returns on your investments. But it's not a good idea to tie your emotions closely to the ups and downs of the stock market. You'll get tired fast. This market moment comes on the heels of last year's nosedive. And it's not the first or last time the stock market will make a dramatic move.
So what happened?
It's more about what happened last year. Many of the concerns that triggered that plunge towards the end of last have largely been quelled. The US and China are slowly moving toward a trade agreement. The Federal Reserve has indicated it likely will not raise rates at all in 2019 after seven recent increases. And those changes, along with some strong earnings reports and broader healthy economic indicators, have fueled some optimism in stock markets.
"The panic in the fourth quarter was based mostly on fears," says Brent Schutte, chief investment strategist for Northwestern Mutual Wealth Management Company. "The fundamentals have mostly held up, while the fears have gone away and the fears were based mostly on emotion."
Should I buy? Should I sell?
Maybe. It depends on what your long-term investment plan is. The best advice is usually the same no matter the day — determine your financial goals, make a plan to reach them and stick to it.
"I would encourage (investors) not to overreact to highs, just as I would encourage them not to overreact to the lows of December," Mr Schutte says.
All the same, there are some situations in which you should consider taking action. If you think you can't live through another low like last year, the time to get out is now. If the balance of assets in your portfolio is out of whack thanks to the rise of the stock market, make adjustments. And if you need your money in the next five to 10 years, it shouldn't be in stocks anyhow. But for most people, it's also a good time to just leave things be.
Resist the urge to abandon the diversification of your portfolio, Mr Schutte cautions. It may be tempting to shed other investments that aren't performing as well, such as some international stocks, but diversification is designed to help steady your performance over time.
Will the rally last?
No one knows for sure. But David Bailin, chief investment officer at Citi Private Bank, expects the US market could move up 5 per cent to 7 per cent more over the next nine to 12 months, provided the Fed doesn't raise rates and earnings growth exceeds current expectations. We are in a late cycle market, a period when US equities have historically done very well, but volatility also rises, he says.
"This phase can last six months to several years, but it's important clients remain invested and not try to prematurely position for a contraction of the market," Mr Bailin says. "Doing so would risk missing out on important portfolio returns."
MATCH INFO
Uefa Champions League semi-final, first leg
Barcelona v Liverpool, Wednesday, 11pm (UAE).
Second leg
Liverpool v Barcelona, Tuesday, May 7, 11pm
Games on BeIN Sports
The smuggler
Eldarir had arrived at JFK in January 2020 with three suitcases, containing goods he valued at $300, when he was directed to a search area.
Officers found 41 gold artefacts among the bags, including amulets from a funerary set which prepared the deceased for the afterlife.
Also found was a cartouche of a Ptolemaic king on a relief that was originally part of a royal building or temple.
The largest single group of items found in Eldarir’s cases were 400 shabtis, or figurines.
Khouli conviction
Khouli smuggled items into the US by making false declarations to customs about the country of origin and value of the items.
According to Immigration and Customs Enforcement, he provided “false provenances which stated that [two] Egyptian antiquities were part of a collection assembled by Khouli's father in Israel in the 1960s” when in fact “Khouli acquired the Egyptian antiquities from other dealers”.
He was sentenced to one year of probation, six months of home confinement and 200 hours of community service in 2012 after admitting buying and smuggling Egyptian antiquities, including coffins, funerary boats and limestone figures.
For sale
A number of other items said to come from the collection of Ezeldeen Taha Eldarir are currently or recently for sale.
Their provenance is described in near identical terms as the British Museum shabti: bought from Salahaddin Sirmali, "authenticated and appraised" by Hossen Rashed, then imported to the US in 1948.
- An Egyptian Mummy mask dating from 700BC-30BC, is on offer for £11,807 ($15,275) online by a seller in Mexico
- A coffin lid dating back to 664BC-332BC was offered for sale by a Colorado-based art dealer, with a starting price of $65,000
- A shabti that was on sale through a Chicago-based coin dealer, dating from 1567BC-1085BC, is up for $1,950
Generation Start-up: Awok company profile
Started: 2013
Founder: Ulugbek Yuldashev
Sector: e-commerce
Size: 600 plus
Stage: still in talks with VCs
Principal Investors: self-financed by founder
The five pillars of Islam
What the law says
Micro-retirement is not a recognised concept or employment status under Federal Decree Law No. 33 of 2021 on the Regulation of Labour Relations (as amended) (UAE Labour Law). As such, it reflects a voluntary work-life balance practice, rather than a recognised legal employment category, according to Dilini Loku, senior associate for law firm Gateley Middle East.
“Some companies may offer formal sabbatical policies or career break programmes; however, beyond such arrangements, there is no automatic right or statutory entitlement to extended breaks,” she explains.
“Any leave taken beyond statutory entitlements, such as annual leave, is typically regarded as unpaid leave in accordance with Article 33 of the UAE Labour Law. While employees may legally take unpaid leave, such requests are subject to the employer’s discretion and require approval.”
If an employee resigns to pursue micro-retirement, the employment contract is terminated, and the employer is under no legal obligation to rehire the employee in the future unless specific contractual agreements are in place (such as return-to-work arrangements), which are generally uncommon, Ms Loku adds.
WWE Super ShowDown results
Seth Rollins beat Baron Corbin to retain his WWE Universal title
Finn Balor defeated Andrade to stay WWE Intercontinental Championship
Shane McMahon defeated Roman Reigns
Lars Sullivan won by disqualification against Lucha House Party
Randy Orton beats Triple H
Braun Strowman beats Bobby Lashley
Kofi Kingston wins against Dolph Zigggler to retain the WWE World Heavyweight Championship
Mansoor Al Shehail won the 50-man Battle Royal
The Undertaker beat Goldberg
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MOST%20POLLUTED%20COUNTRIES%20IN%20THE%20WORLD
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Top 10 most polluted cities
- Bhiwadi, India
- Ghaziabad, India
- Hotan, China
- Delhi, India
- Jaunpur, India
- Faisalabad, Pakistan
- Noida, India
- Bahawalpur, Pakistan
- Peshawar, Pakistan
- Bagpat, India
Super 30
Produced: Sajid Nadiadwala and Phantom Productions
Directed: Vikas Bahl
Cast: Hrithik Roshan, Pankaj Tripathi, Aditya Srivastav, Mrinal Thakur
Rating: 3.5 /5
Benefits of first-time home buyers' scheme
- Priority access to new homes from participating developers
- Discounts on sales price of off-plan units
- Flexible payment plans from developers
- Mortgages with better interest rates, faster approval times and reduced fees
- DLD registration fee can be paid through banks or credit cards at zero interest rates
