Last year, I had a chat with writer Craig Mazin, who wrote a script for Borderlands before removing his name. He was celebrating the release of HBO’s The Last of Us, widely considered one of the best video game adaptations of all time, and I asked him why the show had so little competition in that category.
There’s a good reason for that, he said. They’re mostly just not made with love.
Businesspeople look at stats and sales and engagement metrics, get excited and buy the rights. Then they call up big-name writers and directors with the shiny new toy in their portfolio, and say, “look at this thing we got, do you want to do it?” The writers and directors say yes because they like the fat pay check that comes with it. But do they care? Not really. It’s just work.
Perhaps there was a point at which Mazin cared deeply about Borderlands, and perhaps that’s how they landed Cate Blanchett, one of best actresses in the world, to star in it. But watching the final product – directed and co-written by Eli Roth – it’s easy to see why the writer who replaced him, Joe Crombie, apparently used a pseudonym.
Borderlands, based on the massively popular first-person shooter space western, is bad – very bad. Unfortunately, it’s not even the kind of bad you can have fun with – that would have taken someone putting their heart into it and failing.
It’s the worst of both worlds, really. The bad video game films of the '90s had campy charm – Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, Street Fighter or Super Mario Bros. Meanwhile, Borderlands is a hollow, craven mish-mash of half-baked ideas that is a perfect encapsulation of the age of IP.
This is a time when creativity is a secondary concern, debt-ridden studios are full of executives all doing anything they can to avoid being fired, and so all that matters is name recognition, whether it’s a game, doll or grocery store brand (how much longer before a Green Giant frozen vegetable cinematic universe is in the works?).
But anyway, Borderlands is set on the planet Pandora, with Blanchett playing a mercenary named Lilith who’s been tasked with bringing back the teenaged Tiny Tina (Barbie’s Ariana Greenblatt) to her father Atlas (Edgar Ramirez), Pandora’s most powerful businessman.
BORDERLANDS
Starring: Cate Blanchett, Kevin Hart, Jamie Lee Curtis
Director: Eli Roth
Rating: 0/5
This is interrupted when Tiny Tina’s crew, which includes another mercenary named Roland (a tough-as-nails straight man played inexplicably by Kevin Hart) and Krieg (Florian Munteanu), a guy with muscles who wears a mask and mostly grunts. They team up to find some sort of vault which might hold a secret powerful thing of some kind. To quote Tim from The Office, I’m boring myself just talking about it.
Jamie Lee Curtis takes up space in the film for much of the runtime, which will mostly leave you wondering how she ever won an Oscar as she can’t seem to deliver a single line that rings true.
The film leans heavily on mad-cap violent comedy. Tiny Tina throws bombs at people like firecrackers. Jack Black voices a robot named Claptrap who is there to provide humorous asides and commentary, but will likely never elicit a smile from viewers.
Roth, the man who will likely be remembered as the guy who played the cool role that was written for Adam Sandler in Quentin Tarantino’s Inglourious Basterds, brings no noticeable flair to the proceedings. It’s hard to know whether he was unwilling or unable to inject some basic human feeling here at any point.
I yearned for Blanchett to at least seem like she was having fun with this mess, but her exaggerated brightly coloured wig is the campiest thing here. She’s trudging through it, as are the rest of them, and if this was the first time I’d seen her in a film, I doubt I’d remember her face when looking back at it.
Run for the hills from Borderlands, there’s no joy to be had here.
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Fireball
A plume of black smoke rose from a fuel storage facility in the village of Kalynivka outside Kyiv on Friday after Russia said it had destroyed the military site with Kalibr cruise missiles.
"On the evening of March 24, Kalibr high-precision sea-based cruise missiles attacked a fuel base in the village of Kalynivka near Kyiv," the Russian defence ministry said in a statement.
Ukraine confirmed the strike, saying the village some 40 kilometres south-west of Kyiv was targeted.
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Director: Jesse Armstrong
Rating: 3.5/5
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Range: 400km
Power: 134bhp
Torque: 175Nm
Price: From Dh98,800
Available: Now
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The Bio
Favourite vegetable: “I really like the taste of the beetroot, the potatoes and the eggplant we are producing.”
Holiday destination: “I like Paris very much, it’s a city very close to my heart.”
Book: “Das Kapital, by Karl Marx. I am not a communist, but there are a lot of lessons for the capitalist system, if you let it get out of control, and humanity.”
Musician: “I like very much Fairuz, the Lebanese singer, and the other is Umm Kulthum. Fairuz is for listening to in the morning, Umm Kulthum for the night.”
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Engine: 2-litre turbocharged
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Analysis
Maros Sefcovic is juggling multiple international trade agreement files, but his message was clear when he spoke to The National on Wednesday.
The EU-UAE bilateral trade deal will be finalised soon, he said. It is in everyone’s interests to do so. Both sides want to move quickly and are in alignment. He said the UAE is a very important partner for the EU. It’s full speed ahead - and with some lofty ambitions - on the road to a free trade agreement.
We also talked about US-EU tariffs. He answered that both sides need to talk more and more often, but he is prepared to defend Europe's position and said diplomacy should be a guiding principle through the current moment.
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Plastic tipping point
Dr Afridi's warning signs of digital addiction
Spending an excessive amount of time on the phone.
Neglecting personal, social, or academic responsibilities.
Losing interest in other activities or hobbies that were once enjoyed.
Having withdrawal symptoms like feeling anxious, restless, or upset when the technology is not available.
Experiencing sleep disturbances or changes in sleep patterns.
What are the guidelines?
Under 18 months: Avoid screen time altogether, except for video chatting with family.
Aged 18-24 months: If screens are introduced, it should be high-quality content watched with a caregiver to help the child understand what they are seeing.
Aged 2-5 years: Limit to one-hour per day of high-quality programming, with co-viewing whenever possible.
Aged 6-12 years: Set consistent limits on screen time to ensure it does not interfere with sleep, physical activity, or social interactions.
Teenagers: Encourage a balanced approach – screens should not replace sleep, exercise, or face-to-face socialisation.
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- Con Coughlin: Choice of the British people will be vindicated
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The specs
Engine: 2-litre or 3-litre 4Motion all-wheel-drive Power: 250Nm (2-litre); 340 (3-litre) Torque: 450Nm Transmission: 8-speed automatic Starting price: From Dh212,000 On sale: Now
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Fixtures
Tuesday - 5.15pm: Team Lebanon v Alger Corsaires; 8.30pm: Abu Dhabi Storms v Pharaohs
Wednesday - 5.15pm: Pharaohs v Carthage Eagles; 8.30pm: Alger Corsaires v Abu Dhabi Storms
Thursday - 4.30pm: Team Lebanon v Pharaohs; 7.30pm: Abu Dhabi Storms v Carthage Eagles
Friday - 4.30pm: Pharaohs v Alger Corsaires; 7.30pm: Carthage Eagles v Team Lebanon
Saturday - 4.30pm: Carthage Eagles v Alger Corsaires; 7.30pm: Abu Dhabi Storms v Team Lebanon
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Rating: 4.5/5
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Tomorrow 2021
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On Women's Day
Shelina Janmohamed: Why shouldn't a spouse be compensated fairly for housework?
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MATCH INFO
Uefa Champions League semi-final, first leg
Bayern Munich v Real Madrid
When: April 25, 10.45pm kick-off (UAE)
Where: Allianz Arena, Munich
Live: BeIN Sports HD
Second leg: May 1, Santiago Bernabeu, Madrid
How to watch Ireland v Pakistan in UAE
When: The one-off Test starts on Friday, May 11
What time: Each day’s play is scheduled to start at 2pm UAE time.
TV: The match will be broadcast on OSN Sports Cricket HD. Subscribers to the channel can also stream the action live on OSN Play.
Top 10 most polluted cities
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- Hotan, China
- Delhi, India
- Jaunpur, India
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- Noida, India
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- Peshawar, Pakistan
- Bagpat, India
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May 10, v Qatar
May 13, v Malaysia
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May 20, final
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Director: Saeed Roustaee
Starring: Parinaz Izadyar, Payman Maadi
Rating: 4/5
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The biog
Name: Dhabia Khalifa AlQubaisi
Age: 23
How she spends spare time: Playing with cats at the clinic and feeding them
Inspiration: My father. He’s a hard working man who has been through a lot to provide us with everything we need
Favourite book: Attitude, emotions and the psychology of cats by Dr Nicholes Dodman
Favourit film: 101 Dalmatians - it remind me of my childhood and began my love of dogs
Word of advice: By being patient, good things will come and by staying positive you’ll have the will to continue to love what you're doing
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BORDERLANDS
Starring: Cate Blanchett, Kevin Hart, Jamie Lee Curtis
Director: Eli Roth
Rating: 0/5
