There's a fairly feeble joke about a lone cowboy who falls off his horse in the middle of nowhere, breaking a leg. As he lies in the dust, facing certain death under the blazing sun, his trusty steed trots over and drags him into the shade of a tree, before galloping off to get help.
Later, the cowboy is telling the story to a friend, who is very impressed. "Don't be," he says. "Dumb critter came back with a vet."
David Bainbridge, the author of Middle Age: A Natural History, is a vet. Not just any vet, mind - he is the clinical veterinary anatomist at Cambridge University's department of physiology, development and neuroscience, and responsible for organising the preclinical veterinary course at the university. But a vet, nonetheless.
Now, it may not be fashionable to go corralling people into little talent pens but, rather like the cowboy disappointed by his mount's choice of medical professional, if I'm going to read a book about human biology I'd rather it was written by a doctor than a vet.
Bainbridge, however, is a vet with a yearning to be something else - a writer of popular science books.
Of course, these days the key word is "accessible", and Bainbridge is certainly that ("I was 40 years old when I started to write this book and My! How the months have flown by!"), unless, of course, you happen to find all that sort of chummy gook annoyingly patronising.
His crossover moment came in 2001 with the book A Visitor Within - The Science of Pregnancy, in which he nailed his colours firmly to the populist mast. For the American market, for which that book was reissued in 2003, some additional downward-dumbing was deemed necessary, and the demandingly oblique Visitor Within was ousted in favour of the more direct Making Babies.
But it was with Teenagers: A Natural History, that the vet embarked on what was - or, at least, now is - undoubtedly intended to be a three-part franchise.
Having been Bainbridged, the teenager emerged not as the sulky, rude, spotty, noisy and annoying little ingrate we all thought we knew, but as "an awe-inspiring natural phenomenon that evokes reverence and wonder".
And so to middle age.
Here, Bainbridge is on firmer ground, having an additional claim to being an authority on the matter: at the time of writing, he was 42 (he turns 44 next month) and - guess what?
That's right: he was having a Mid-Life Cliché. Sorry, Crisis.
"It was," he writes in his introduction, in the chatty style that pervades the book, "not supposed to be like this. I was supposed to buck the trend."
Bainbridge, we learn, felt young at 38 "and I still felt young on my 40th birthday - not for me the clichés of middle age, surely?"
Yet now, "I am 42, and suddenly time is screaming past, contemporary popular music means nothing to me, and I have a belly, miscellaneous aches and a sports car. What on earth is happening?" In this book, says Bainbridge, he sets out "to find out what middle age is and what it is for". The real question might be, what or who are books like this for?
Cue lots of the usual genetics tosh ("Only humans have the necessary information to make middle-aged people") and spurious analogies with the animal kingdom ("If an amoeba's DNA is damaged … it is essential that the malfunction is repaired quickly before it does any more damage. If similar problems develop in one of the cells in your body, then it is likely that you'll make only half-hearted attempts to do anything about it").
Perhaps not unnaturally for a vet, Bainbridge cannot resist constant surprised comparisons between the human family and other animals, occasionally with disquieting results. So while men and women load on body fat in predictable ways and places, "There are, for example, no curvy, Jayne Mansfield-esque chimpanzees or gorillas, and perhaps it would be disturbing if there were".
Statistics, of course, exist solely for books like this, and this one finds frankly pointless work for loads of them ("Estimates published by the United Nations indicate that 89 per cent of all humans have married by the age of 49", "One study suggests that over the fifth and sixth decades of life, percentage body fat increases from 23.6 to 29.3 per cent in men", etc).
Obsessing over the minutiae of the universal experience of life overlooks the central truth of being human, best summed up by a doctor who, weary of the chiefly western and fundamentally political obsession with keeping people alive as long as possible, once reminded me that "After all, the mortality rate for the human condition is 100 per cent".
What happens en route to the inevitable grave, however - how we handle the journey - is largely up to us.
We are conditioned to see life as a dome-shaped curve and middle age as a zenith after which it is all downhill, but this is to waste the bulk of our time on Earth, gripped with fear as though a passenger on a stricken, powerless aircraft shallow-gliding to a fiery, wheels-up end.
There are, of course, biological realities, without which a book like this would have no content. But does anyone really need to revel in the mechanics of their own decline? What of the non-biological psychological truths, that can lift individuals above the herd? Bainbridge, too late, as though suddenly realising he has gone too far, addresses this most important factor.
Sure, he has joyfully deconstructed all the bad news - the failing eyesight, waning sex drive, sagging skin, mental deterioration, greying of the hair; all the usual birthday-card jokes, in other words - and admitted that he ascribes "a great deal of influence to our genes, our biology and our evolutionary history".
Nevertheless, on the last page he offers the unconvincing hope that, by the end of his curiously soulless book, "you do not feel powerless, directed in your every thought and action by the bullying hand of evolution".
Well, if we do, it is thanks to what must rank as one of the feeblest rallying calls ever uttered: "Fight against your evolutionary inheritance if you want to," he shrugs, grudgingly. "It will not make it go away, but it will not do you too much harm either."
We can, like Bainbridge, surrender to the clichés and grow fat, moan about our aches and pains and buy a sports car.
Or we can live our lives to the full - at any age.
Like Greg Searle, who this summer rowed to a bronze medal in the British Olympic rowing eight at the age of 40.
Or Hiroshi Hoketsu, the equestrian who competed for Japan in London at the age of 71.
Or American Carol Masheter, who greeted a series of life calamities at the age of 50 by turning to mountaineering and, in March this year, completed her ambition to climb the highest peaks on all seven continents, at the age of 65.
And so on. It seems unlikely that any of these fighters against evolutionary inheritance will have had the time, or inclination, to read any of Bainbridge's oddly pointless books. For them, life really is too short.
Jonathan Gornall is a former senior features writer for The National.
Key features of new policy
Pupils to learn coding and other vocational skills from Grade 6
Exams to test critical thinking and application of knowledge
A new National Assessment Centre, PARAKH (Performance, Assessment, Review and Analysis for Holistic Development) will form the standard for schools
Schools to implement online system to encouraging transparency and accountability
Ms Yang's top tips for parents new to the UAE
- Join parent networks
- Look beyond school fees
- Keep an open mind
UAE currency: the story behind the money in your pockets
Our family matters legal consultant
Name: Hassan Mohsen Elhais
Position: legal consultant with Al Rowaad Advocates and Legal Consultants.
Election pledges on migration
CDU: "Now is the time to control the German borders and enforce strict border rejections"
SPD: "Border closures and blanket rejections at internal borders contradict the spirit of a common area of freedom"
Real estate tokenisation project
Dubai launched the pilot phase of its real estate tokenisation project last month.
The initiative focuses on converting real estate assets into digital tokens recorded on blockchain technology and helps in streamlining the process of buying, selling and investing, the Dubai Land Department said.
Dubai’s real estate tokenisation market is projected to reach Dh60 billion ($16.33 billion) by 2033, representing 7 per cent of the emirate’s total property transactions, according to the DLD.
The biog
Name: Abeer Al Bah
Born: 1972
Husband: Emirati lawyer Salem Bin Sahoo, since 1992
Children: Soud, born 1993, lawyer; Obaid, born 1994, deceased; four other boys and one girl, three months old
Education: BA in Elementary Education, worked for five years in a Dubai school
SQUADS
UAE
Mohammed Naveed (captain), Mohamed Usman (vice-captain), Ashfaq Ahmed, Chirag Suri, Shaiman Anwar, Mohammed Boota, Ghulam Shabber, Imran Haider, Tahir Mughal, Amir Hayat, Zahoor Khan, Qadeer Ahmed, Fahad Nawaz, Abdul Shakoor, Sultan Ahmed, CP Rizwan
Nepal
Paras Khadka (captain), Gyanendra Malla, Dipendra Singh Airee, Pradeep Airee, Binod Bhandari, Avinash Bohara, Sundeep Jora, Sompal Kami, Karan KC, Rohit Paudel, Sandeep Lamichhane, Lalit Rajbanshi, Basant Regmi, Pawan Sarraf, Bhim Sharki, Aarif Sheikh
'How To Build A Boat'
Jonathan Gornall, Simon & Schuster
The smuggler
Eldarir had arrived at JFK in January 2020 with three suitcases, containing goods he valued at $300, when he was directed to a search area.
Officers found 41 gold artefacts among the bags, including amulets from a funerary set which prepared the deceased for the afterlife.
Also found was a cartouche of a Ptolemaic king on a relief that was originally part of a royal building or temple.
The largest single group of items found in Eldarir’s cases were 400 shabtis, or figurines.
Khouli conviction
Khouli smuggled items into the US by making false declarations to customs about the country of origin and value of the items.
According to Immigration and Customs Enforcement, he provided “false provenances which stated that [two] Egyptian antiquities were part of a collection assembled by Khouli's father in Israel in the 1960s” when in fact “Khouli acquired the Egyptian antiquities from other dealers”.
He was sentenced to one year of probation, six months of home confinement and 200 hours of community service in 2012 after admitting buying and smuggling Egyptian antiquities, including coffins, funerary boats and limestone figures.
For sale
A number of other items said to come from the collection of Ezeldeen Taha Eldarir are currently or recently for sale.
Their provenance is described in near identical terms as the British Museum shabti: bought from Salahaddin Sirmali, "authenticated and appraised" by Hossen Rashed, then imported to the US in 1948.
- An Egyptian Mummy mask dating from 700BC-30BC, is on offer for £11,807 ($15,275) online by a seller in Mexico
- A coffin lid dating back to 664BC-332BC was offered for sale by a Colorado-based art dealer, with a starting price of $65,000
- A shabti that was on sale through a Chicago-based coin dealer, dating from 1567BC-1085BC, is up for $1,950
NO OTHER LAND
Director: Basel Adra, Yuval Abraham, Rachel Szor, Hamdan Ballal
Stars: Basel Adra, Yuval Abraham
Rating: 3.5/5
PREMIER LEAGUE FIXTURES
All times UAE ( 4 GMT)
Saturday
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Manchester City v Crystal Palace (7pm)
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Stoke City v Chelsea (7pm)
Swansea City v Watford (7pm)
Leicester City v Liverpool (8.30pm)
Sunday
Brighton and Hove Albion v Newcastle United (7pm)
Monday
Arsenal v West Bromwich Albion (11pm)
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THE SPECS
Engine: 6.75-litre twin-turbocharged V12 petrol engine
Power: 420kW
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Transmission: 8-speed automatic
Price: From Dh1,350,000
On sale: Available for preorder now
The Travel Diaries of Albert Einstein The Far East, Palestine, and Spain, 1922 – 1923
Editor Ze’ev Rosenkranz
Princeton
Types of fraud
Phishing: Fraudsters send an unsolicited email that appears to be from a financial institution or online retailer. The hoax email requests that you provide sensitive information, often by clicking on to a link leading to a fake website.
Smishing: The SMS equivalent of phishing. Fraudsters falsify the telephone number through “text spoofing,” so that it appears to be a genuine text from the bank.
Vishing: The telephone equivalent of phishing and smishing. Fraudsters may pose as bank staff, police or government officials. They may persuade the consumer to transfer money or divulge personal information.
SIM swap: Fraudsters duplicate the SIM of your mobile number without your knowledge or authorisation, allowing them to conduct financial transactions with your bank.
Identity theft: Someone illegally obtains your confidential information, through various ways, such as theft of your wallet, bank and utility bill statements, computer intrusion and social networks.
Prize scams: Fraudsters claiming to be authorised representatives from well-known organisations (such as Etisalat, du, Dubai Shopping Festival, Expo2020, Lulu Hypermarket etc) contact victims to tell them they have won a cash prize and request them to share confidential banking details to transfer the prize money.
* Nada El Sawy
The biog
Favourite colour: Brown
Favourite Movie: Resident Evil
Hobbies: Painting, Cooking, Imitating Voices
Favourite food: Pizza
Trivia: Was the voice of three characters in the Emirati animation, Shaabiyat Al Cartoon
German intelligence warnings
- 2002: "Hezbollah supporters feared becoming a target of security services because of the effects of [9/11] ... discussions on Hezbollah policy moved from mosques into smaller circles in private homes." Supporters in Germany: 800
- 2013: "Financial and logistical support from Germany for Hezbollah in Lebanon supports the armed struggle against Israel ... Hezbollah supporters in Germany hold back from actions that would gain publicity." Supporters in Germany: 950
- 2023: "It must be reckoned with that Hezbollah will continue to plan terrorist actions outside the Middle East against Israel or Israeli interests." Supporters in Germany: 1,250
Source: Federal Office for the Protection of the Constitution
The Kites
Romain Gary
Penguin Modern Classics
The specs
Engine: Direct injection 4-cylinder 1.4-litre
Power: 150hp
Torque: 250Nm
Price: From Dh139,000
On sale: Now
Company%20Profile
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Prop idols
Girls full-contact rugby may be in its infancy in the Middle East, but there are already a number of role models for players to look up to.
Sophie Shams (Dubai Exiles mini, England sevens international)
An Emirati student who is blazing a trail in rugby. She first learnt the game at Dubai Exiles and captained her JESS Primary school team. After going to study geophysics at university in the UK, she scored a sensational try in a cup final at Twickenham. She has played for England sevens, and is now contracted to top Premiership club Saracens.
----
Seren Gough-Walters (Sharjah Wanderers mini, Wales rugby league international)
Few players anywhere will have taken a more circuitous route to playing rugby on Sky Sports. Gough-Walters was born in Al Wasl Hospital in Dubai, raised in Sharjah, did not take up rugby seriously till she was 15, has a master’s in global governance and ethics, and once worked as an immigration officer at the British Embassy in Abu Dhabi. In the summer of 2021 she played for Wales against England in rugby league, in a match that was broadcast live on TV.
----
Erin King (Dubai Hurricanes mini, Ireland sevens international)
Aged five, Australia-born King went to Dubai Hurricanes training at The Sevens with her brothers. She immediately struck up a deep affection for rugby. She returned to the city at the end of last year to play at the Dubai Rugby Sevens in the colours of Ireland in the Women’s World Series tournament on Pitch 1.
The Greatest Royal Rumble card
50-man Royal Rumble - names entered so far include Braun Strowman, Daniel Bryan, Kurt Angle, Big Show, Kane, Chris Jericho, The New Day and Elias
Universal Championship Brock Lesnar (champion) v Roman Reigns in a steel cage match
WWE World Heavyweight ChampionshipAJ Styles (champion) v Shinsuke Nakamura
Intercontinental Championship Seth Rollins (champion) v The Miz v Finn Balor v Samoa Joe
United States Championship Jeff Hardy (champion) v Jinder Mahal
SmackDown Tag Team Championship The Bludgeon Brothers (champions) v The Usos
Raw Tag Team Championship (currently vacant) Cesaro and Sheamus v Matt Hardy and Bray Wyatt
Casket match The Undertaker v Rusev
Singles match John Cena v Triple H
Cruiserweight Championship Cedric Alexander v Kalisto
MATCH INFO
Uefa Champions League semi-final, first leg
Bayern Munich v Real Madrid
When: April 25, 10.45pm kick-off (UAE)
Where: Allianz Arena, Munich
Live: BeIN Sports HD
Second leg: May 1, Santiago Bernabeu, Madrid
Results
6.30pm: Maiden Dh165,000 (Dirt) 1,600m
Winner: Celtic Prince, David Liska (jockey), Rashed Bouresly (trainer).
7.05pm: Conditions Dh240,000 (D) 1,600m
Winner: Commanding, Richard Mullen, Satish Seemar.
7.40pm: Handicap Dh190,000 (D) 2,000m
Winner: Grand Argentier, Pat Dobbs, Doug Watson.
8.15pm: Handicap Dh170,000 (D) 2,200m
Winner: Arch Gold, Sam Hitchcott, Doug Watson.
8.50pm: The Entisar Listed Dh265,000 (D) 2,000m
Winner: Military Law, Antonio Fresu, Musabah Al Muhairi.
9.25pm: The Garhoud Sprint Listed Dh265,000 (D) 1,200m
Winner: Ibn Malik, Dane O’Neill, Musabah Al Muhairi.
10pm: Handicap Dh185,000 (D) 1,400m
Winner: Midnight Sands, Pat Dobbs, Doug Watson.
Going grey? A stylist's advice
If you’re going to go grey, a great style, well-cared for hair (in a sleek, classy style, like a bob), and a young spirit and attitude go a long way, says Maria Dowling, founder of the Maria Dowling Salon in Dubai.
It’s easier to go grey from a lighter colour, so you may want to do that first. And this is the time to try a shorter style, she advises. Then a stylist can introduce highlights, start lightening up the roots, and let it fade out. Once it’s entirely grey, a purple shampoo will prevent yellowing.
“Get professional help – there’s no other way to go around it,” she says. “And don’t just let it grow out because that looks really bad. Put effort into it: properly condition, straighten, get regular trims, make sure it’s glossy.”
THE SPECS
Engine: 1.5-litre turbocharged four-cylinder
Transmission: Constant Variable (CVT)
Power: 141bhp
Torque: 250Nm
Price: Dh64,500
On sale: Now
How to volunteer
The UAE volunteers campaign can be reached at www.volunteers.ae , or by calling 800-VOLAE (80086523), or emailing info@volunteers.ae.
