For most people of middle age, the ringing of your home phone in the night heralds bad news, rather than romance. So when I was jolted from my sleep one recent night, I was already bracing myself as I reached for the receiver.
So I was taken aback when a male voice asked brightly "Good morning Mr Simkins, how are we today?"
The responses that occurred to me I will not repeat. What I said, finally, was "who is this?"
"My name's Jeremy", the voice gushed "and I'm calling to ask if you've been injured in an accident at work. If so, the firm I represent may well be able to pursue a claim for compensation for you."
"Jeremy," I replied through gritted teeth, "it's 4.30am."
The news wrong-footed him. "I'm so sorry," he mumbled. "I think there's a glitch in our system. I don't know how your number came up on my screen, as we're only supposed to be calling people in Australia at this time of day. I do apologise. It's all automated you see."
Those words - "it's all automated" - surely sum up the misery of daily existence for those of us in their middle years. Increasingly, it seems, humans are being managed by technology, rather than the other way round. This is rarely a problem for our kids, who've grown up with this and know nothing else. It's their poor lumbering parents who are being left behind.
Once, not long ago, if you wanted to make a phone call you just dialled the number. Television programmes were available by switching on the set. For music you simply put a CD on the turntable.
No longer. Nowadays everything is downloaded, streamed and buffered. Our lounge table here in London has no fewer than five separate remote controls with which to operate the devices crowding the corners of the room. My home phone still looks much like it did 10 years ago, but nobody calls me on it nowadays (except Jeremy). We now have mobiles for that sort of thing.
The phone sits in its corner, giving (largely) mute testimony to a bygone age, as quaint and out-of-date as pine furniture or ceramic ducks.
How difficult it is for the older generation to keep up with all this innovation was illustrated this week when I attended a workshop for people wishing to get to grips with the current must-have accessory, the iPad. (Yes, I, have succumbed).
It was a doleful business, as I knew it would be. Each of the 15 individuals was well over 50. We sat glumly round the demonstration table in our anoraks and sensible shoes, while the young girl conducting the lesson chirruped away as if she were a children's entertainer addressing a roomful of demented pensioners.
We stared glumly at our new playthings like chimpanzees scrutinising a venomous-looking insect. Long before the end of the hour, most of us had given up trying to follow her. All we were thinking about was a nice cup of tea.
And things are about to get a whole lot worse for us. Samsung, the giant Korean electronics firm and Apple's biggest rival in hand-held computers, just unveiled its new smartphone. As thin as an old-fashioned cigarette case, and weighing little more than a cigarette, the Galaxy S4 can do just about everything except put the kids to bed. It includes all sorts of gizmos and tricks to make life easier - if you have a degree in computer science.
Many functions can be performed on this phone merely by hovering your finger over the keypad, and in some cases by eye contact alone. For those of us still trying to locate the on/off switch, this is the ultimate in bad news.
Not only has the traditional instruction manual (trusted friend of generations of mums and dads) long been consigned to the dustbin of history, now we aren't even supposed to press the buttons.
Quite how the battle between Samsung and Apple for commercial dominance will end up is anyone's guess, but with such enormous global profits at stake, the quest for greater technological innovation is likely to become still more frenzied in the years to come.
Never mind. I, at least, came away from my iPad workshop much better-informed than when I arrived, courtesy of a fabulous little device I took along with me, one that recorded everything the demonstrator said, all in perfectly readable format and with handy diagrams attached to it for reference when I got back home.
It's called a pad and pen …
Michael Simkins is an actor and writer based in London
UPI facts
More than 2.2 million Indian tourists arrived in UAE in 2023
More than 3.5 million Indians reside in UAE
Indian tourists can make purchases in UAE using rupee accounts in India through QR-code-based UPI real-time payment systems
Indian residents in UAE can use their non-resident NRO and NRE accounts held in Indian banks linked to a UAE mobile number for UPI transactions
Test
Director: S Sashikanth
Cast: Nayanthara, Siddharth, Meera Jasmine, R Madhavan
Star rating: 2/5
The National's picks
4.35pm: Tilal Al Khalediah
5.10pm: Continous
5.45pm: Raging Torrent
6.20pm: West Acre
7pm: Flood Zone
7.40pm: Straight No Chaser
8.15pm: Romantic Warrior
8.50pm: Calandogan
9.30pm: Forever Young
EMERGENCY PHONE NUMBERS
Estijaba – 8001717 – number to call to request coronavirus testing
Ministry of Health and Prevention – 80011111
Dubai Health Authority – 800342 – The number to book a free video or voice consultation with a doctor or connect to a local health centre
Emirates airline – 600555555
Etihad Airways – 600555666
Ambulance – 998
Knowledge and Human Development Authority – 8005432 ext. 4 for Covid-19 queries
At a glance
Global events: Much of the UK’s economic woes were blamed on “increased global uncertainty”, which can be interpreted as the economic impact of the Ukraine war and the uncertainty over Donald Trump’s tariffs.
Growth forecasts: Cut for 2025 from 2 per cent to 1 per cent. The OBR watchdog also estimated inflation will average 3.2 per cent this year
Welfare: Universal credit health element cut by 50 per cent and frozen for new claimants, building on cuts to the disability and incapacity bill set out earlier this month
Spending cuts: Overall day-to day-spending across government cut by £6.1bn in 2029-30
Tax evasion: Steps to crack down on tax evasion to raise “£6.5bn per year” for the public purse
Defence: New high-tech weaponry, upgrading HM Naval Base in Portsmouth
Housing: Housebuilding to reach its highest in 40 years, with planning reforms helping generate an extra £3.4bn for public finances
PREMIER LEAGUE STATS
Romelu Lukaku's goalscoring statistics in the Premier League
Season/club/appearances (substitute)/goals
2011/12 Chelsea: 8(7) - 0
2012/13 West Brom (loan): 35(15) - 17
2013/14 Chelsea: 2(2) - 0
2013/14 Everton (loan): 31(2) - 15
2014/15 Everton: 36(4) - 10
2015/16 Everton: 37(1) - 18
2016/17 Everton: 37(1) - 25
More on Quran memorisation:
Skewed figures
In the village of Mevagissey in southwest England the housing stock has doubled in the last century while the number of residents is half the historic high. The village's Neighbourhood Development Plan states that 26% of homes are holiday retreats. Prices are high, averaging around £300,000, £50,000 more than the Cornish average of £250,000. The local average wage is £15,458.
A MINECRAFT MOVIE
Director: Jared Hess
Starring: Jack Black, Jennifer Coolidge, Jason Momoa
Rating: 3/5
Rooney's club record
At Everton Appearances: 77; Goals: 17
At Manchester United Appearances: 559; Goals: 253
Formula Middle East Calendar (Formula Regional and Formula 4)
Round 1: January 17-19, Yas Marina Circuit – Abu Dhabi
Round 2: January 22-23, Yas Marina Circuit – Abu Dhabi
Round 3: February 7-9, Dubai Autodrome – Dubai
Round 4: February 14-16, Yas Marina Circuit – Abu Dhabi
Round 5: February 25-27, Jeddah Corniche Circuit – Saudi Arabia
Our legal consultant
Name: Dr Hassan Mohsen Elhais
Position: legal consultant with Al Rowaad Advocates and Legal Consultants.
UAE currency: the story behind the money in your pockets
Dengue%20fever%20symptoms
%3Cp%3EHigh%20fever%20(40%C2%B0C%2F104%C2%B0F)%3Cbr%3ESevere%20headache%3Cbr%3EPain%20behind%20the%20eyes%3Cbr%3EMuscle%20and%20joint%20pains%3Cbr%3ENausea%3Cbr%3EVomiting%3Cbr%3ESwollen%20glands%3Cbr%3ERash%26nbsp%3B%3C%2Fp%3E%0A
UAE and Russia in numbers
UAE-Russia ties stretch back 48 years
Trade between the UAE and Russia reached Dh12.5 bn in 2018
More than 3,000 Russian companies are registered in the UAE
Around 40,000 Russians live in the UAE
The number of Russian tourists travelling to the UAE will increase to 12 percent to reach 1.6 million in 2023
Real estate tokenisation project
Dubai launched the pilot phase of its real estate tokenisation project last month.
The initiative focuses on converting real estate assets into digital tokens recorded on blockchain technology and helps in streamlining the process of buying, selling and investing, the Dubai Land Department said.
Dubai’s real estate tokenisation market is projected to reach Dh60 billion ($16.33 billion) by 2033, representing 7 per cent of the emirate’s total property transactions, according to the DLD.
Abu Dhabi Sustainability Week
The%20specs
%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EEngine%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3E2.3-litre%204cyl%20turbo%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EPower%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3E299hp%20at%205%2C500rpm%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3ETorque%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3E420Nm%20at%202%2C750rpm%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3ETransmission%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3E10-speed%20auto%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EFuel%20consumption%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3E12.4L%2F100km%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EOn%20sale%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3ENow%0D%3Cbr%3E%3Cstrong%3EPrice%3A%20%3C%2Fstrong%3EFrom%20Dh157%2C395%20(XLS)%3B%20Dh199%2C395%20(Limited)%3C%2Fp%3E%0A
The smuggler
Eldarir had arrived at JFK in January 2020 with three suitcases, containing goods he valued at $300, when he was directed to a search area.
Officers found 41 gold artefacts among the bags, including amulets from a funerary set which prepared the deceased for the afterlife.
Also found was a cartouche of a Ptolemaic king on a relief that was originally part of a royal building or temple.
The largest single group of items found in Eldarir’s cases were 400 shabtis, or figurines.
Khouli conviction
Khouli smuggled items into the US by making false declarations to customs about the country of origin and value of the items.
According to Immigration and Customs Enforcement, he provided “false provenances which stated that [two] Egyptian antiquities were part of a collection assembled by Khouli's father in Israel in the 1960s” when in fact “Khouli acquired the Egyptian antiquities from other dealers”.
He was sentenced to one year of probation, six months of home confinement and 200 hours of community service in 2012 after admitting buying and smuggling Egyptian antiquities, including coffins, funerary boats and limestone figures.
For sale
A number of other items said to come from the collection of Ezeldeen Taha Eldarir are currently or recently for sale.
Their provenance is described in near identical terms as the British Museum shabti: bought from Salahaddin Sirmali, "authenticated and appraised" by Hossen Rashed, then imported to the US in 1948.
- An Egyptian Mummy mask dating from 700BC-30BC, is on offer for £11,807 ($15,275) online by a seller in Mexico
- A coffin lid dating back to 664BC-332BC was offered for sale by a Colorado-based art dealer, with a starting price of $65,000
- A shabti that was on sale through a Chicago-based coin dealer, dating from 1567BC-1085BC, is up for $1,950
Killing of Qassem Suleimani
TO A LAND UNKNOWN
Director: Mahdi Fleifel
Starring: Mahmoud Bakri, Aram Sabbah, Mohammad Alsurafa
Rating: 4.5/5
COMPANY PROFILE
● Company: Bidzi
● Started: 2024
● Founders: Akshay Dosaj and Asif Rashid
● Based: Dubai, UAE
● Industry: M&A
● Funding size: Bootstrapped
● No of employees: Nine
SPEC%20SHEET%3A%20NOTHING%20PHONE%20(2)
%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EDisplay%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%206.7%E2%80%9D%20LPTO%20Amoled%2C%202412%20x%201080%2C%20394ppi%2C%20HDR10%2B%2C%20Corning%20Gorilla%20Glass%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EProcessor%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Qualcomm%20Snapdragon%208%2B%20Gen%202%2C%20octa-core%3B%20Adreno%20730%20GPU%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EMemory%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%208%2F12GB%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3ECapacity%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20128%2F256%2F512GB%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EPlatform%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Android%2013%2C%20Nothing%20OS%202%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EMain%20camera%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Dual%2050MP%20wide%2C%20f%2F1.9%20%2B%2050MP%20ultrawide%2C%20f%2F2.2%3B%20OIS%2C%20auto-focus%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EMain%20camera%20video%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%204K%20%40%2030%2F60fps%2C%201080p%20%40%2030%2F60fps%3B%20live%20HDR%2C%20OIS%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EFront%20camera%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%2032MP%20wide%2C%20f%2F2.5%2C%20HDR%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EFront%20camera%20video%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Full-HD%20%40%2030fps%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EBattery%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%204700mAh%3B%20full%20charge%20in%2055m%20w%2F%2045w%20charger%3B%20Qi%20wireless%2C%20dual%20charging%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EConnectivity%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Wi-Fi%2C%20Bluetooth%205.3%2C%20NFC%20(Google%20Pay)%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EBiometrics%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Fingerprint%2C%20face%20unlock%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EI%2FO%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20USB-C%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EDurability%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20IP54%2C%20limited%20protection%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3ECards%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Dual-nano%20SIM%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EColours%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Dark%20grey%2C%20white%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EIn%20the%20box%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Nothing%20Phone%20(2)%2C%20USB-C-to-USB-C%20cable%3C%2Fp%3E%0A%3Cp%3E%3Cstrong%3EPrice%20(UAE)%3A%3C%2Fstrong%3E%20Dh2%2C499%20(12GB%2F256GB)%20%2F%20Dh2%2C799%20(12GB%2F512GB)%3C%2Fp%3E%0A
KILLING OF QASSEM SULEIMANI